[hjames]

I wonder if I'm just wasting my therapist's time and my provider's meds...

I was raised in an abusive home. I worked through that, 20 years ago, with my first therapist.

Later, I grieved that besides the pain, I missed out on typical life experiences that would now be pleasant memories.

Now, I've finally put together that because of that past, it put it on a trajectory that is causing me present-day suffering. There's no question about it - the distant past stunted my growth and led to a cripplingly low self-esteem which cascaded into choosing the wrong spouse from a much lower socio-economic bracket and bad career decisions. These tangible effects of the past aren't going to go away.

So the core "healing" elements of:

1) Accepting the past for what it was
2) Making the most of the present

...seem just a waste of time to me. I can't fill the hole of empty memories and just move forward. The past set wheels in motion that are hurting me right now and aren't reversible.

I wonder if others feel the same way about the futility of healing the past?

[BayBrony]

Those changes are reversible though. Heal the past and learn to nurture and support yourself and you will make better decisions going forward and find the power to change your circumstances. For example I always thought my abusive past just made it hard to make friends. But working things through in T showed me that I subconsciously push people away without even realizing it. Now I've made 3 good friends in the past 6 months since I had that revelation. So you can change how you think and act and that changes your life moving forward

[hjames]

Thanks. There are some "soft" areas like friendships I see I can improve.

Losing my house last year, though, which took ten years of struggle to finally acquire, though...that's the kind of thing that just feels insurmountable.

[BudFox]

I struggle with some of these dilemmas. I wonder whether you feel pressure to change your internal perspective on these struggles, even though that does not feel appropriate? This is something I struggle with. There is a lot of advice out there, particularly in therapy, that suffering is largely to do with one's response to life. But life can be inherently cruel and feeling down about it is not necessarily a personal failing. Seems the best way forward is to understand the past but not dwell in it, though I don't know how to achieve that exactly.

[nicoleflynn]

Getting help and learning is never a waste of time. I grew up without a father, abusive mother, poverty, etc., married an abuser....31 years and got a divorce only to have my (now former) church vote me out of membership. I used my past to win a scholarship and am a Sophomore at 69....it is never to late to make a change.

There are some things we cannot heal from and find a way to live with that/those. That is what I did because I cannot fix all of the trauma of the past, so I decided to be myself and do what I wanted to do; that is really all we can do. xo

Are you maybe expecting too much?

It is my belief that one never heals from Mental Illness. Rather one is in some state of either illness or recovery.

You sound like me in many ways. That idea that my past set my life on a certain trajectory. What I eventually learned though is that I can get out from under my past's control of my life. My past doesn't have to continue to drive my present, and it doesn't any longer.

Yes, there are things about my life currently that are what they are because of decisions my past led me toward, but I am old enough, wise enough, and in control enough now to change what is possible to change and to accept what I cannot change (and what may not really need changing anyway).

I was mentally very ill for many years, spent years in therapy, on meds, in and out of the hospital . . . . But I am really the healthiest now that I have ever been in my life, very much due to the insights about my own autonomy I gained through the help of a very good therapist who was determined that I could find that autonomy, heal, and move forward. It took a long time. It took making some serious changes in how I think about my past, how I think about myself, how I think about my ability to control what goes on in my life and my thinking and reactions to what goes on around me.

I have learned how to make the most (and more) of my life as it stands today, and I am quite content and optimistic about what lies ahead, even though I know it won't be all rainbows and sunshine -- but life just isn't. It comes with challenges. It comes with failures and regrets. But I learned to forgive myself for those failures and those decisions I made at a time in my life when I wasn't making the wisest choices. I've learned to accept that some of those choices are irreversible, but I can be okay with those and make different choices in my present and my future.

I've found some of those "mistakes" have been more fixable and more endurable than I once thought. Some of them I thought were "fatal" and would haunt me forever, but in actuality, I am realizing that they served a purpose in my life and in themselves set me on a path that has led me to where I am now -- and since I'm pretty satisfied about where I am right now, even with the challenges I deal with, I have chosen not to regret those "mistakes," but instead just embrace them as part of my journey. And my journey still has many, many years and adventures ahead.

Are you wasting your therapist's time and your time in therapy? Personally, it wasn't time wasted for me. It does take a belief and determination that getting beyond the past is possible. It wasn't always apparent to me, but it was for my therapist (thank the good Lord for that), and I just kept at it until I finally could believe in my own healing and life beyond my past.

[BayBrony]

Having consequences of your past that you need to deal with to me is not the same as having to deal with the original wound your whole life.

My mom's abuse led to my eating disorder.
My eating disorder led to such destruction of my teeth that I needed all my teeth pulled and my mouth reconstructed with implants etc surgically. That process took several years.

I'll be paying off the expense for years.

That is an unchangeable thing, a consequence.

The fact that that is unchangeable does mean therapy can't cure my eating disorder or heal the damage the original abuse created. Thus preventing FUTURE negative consequences from my past.

So I can't undo the choices I've made but I sure as hell can learn and heal so I make better choices in the future

[Petra5ed]

I think like that a lot honestly. like you raised in abusive home, and there are a lot of negative memories, and it lead to isolation and poor choices and emotional ramifications that may always be present in some degree until I die. But what I've come to discover is that feelings are not set in stone, they are like water, they come and go. Like cravings for a cigarette and painfully and slowly you can learn to manage them recognize them and sometimes even wave them goodbye... The loss of a home, while devastating in the moment, might be a story you like to tell at a party in your next house which you cant even anticipate now 5 years down the line. I think that our bad experiences in childhood set us up for defective thinking, super pessimists, always seeing the worst and looking for the bad. So afraid of rejection we self sabotage, that sort of thing.

...... which cascaded into choosing the wrong spouse from a much lower socio-economic bracket.....

Not sure why that's a problem. Are people from lower socio-brackett not worthy?

Narcissistic wounds can be healed.

[Ocean Swimmer]

I think you should study The Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle.
I have it on cd. It helps to listen to it when you feel yourself slipping backwards.

The only thing we have is the present.

[here today]

Originally Posted by hjames

I wonder if I'm just wasting my therapist's time and my provider's meds...

I was raised in an abusive home. I worked through that, 20 years ago, with my first therapist.

Later, I grieved that besides the pain, I missed out on typical life experiences that would now be pleasant memories.

Now, I've finally put together that because of that past, it put it on a trajectory that is causing me present-day suffering. There's no question about it - the distant past stunted my growth and led to a cripplingly low self-esteem which cascaded into choosing the wrong spouse from a much lower socio-economic bracket and bad career decisions. These tangible effects of the past aren't going to go away.

So the core "healing" elements of:

1) Accepting the past for what it was
2) Making the most of the present

...seem just a waste of time to me. I can't fill the hole of empty memories and just move forward. The past set wheels in motion that are hurting me right now and aren't reversible.

I wonder if others feel the same way about the futility of healing the past?

Don't know that I have much to add to what others have already said but, yes, after 50 years on and off I do often feel the futility of continuing therapy in my case. I'm continuing for the moment, one appointment at a time, because stopping seems also futile. And I don't know for sure. My feeling that (more) therapy is futile could be wrong. I was ready for my last appointment to really be my last, and went to the appointment with that as the main thing to talk about, but my T offered a change in course so I'll try it for a while, until the next time I'm 99.4% - 100% convinced that my feeling of futility is a good guide for what to do.

My T changed course, too -- so we're kind of in uncharted waters for both of us. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't. We'll see.

[BayBrony]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

...... which cascaded into choosing the wrong spouse from a much lower socio-economic bracket.....

Not sure why that's a problem. Are people from lower socio-brackett not worthy?

Narcissistic wounds can be healed.

My mom used to criticize me ( until I told her shed never talk to me again unless she quit) all the time because my wife only had a high school diploma and I had a doctoral degree . my wife had family stuff going on when she graduated. She didn't have the same assistance I did ( I was basically left on my own to figure out college by my parents, but I went to an excellent high school where I had teachers and counselors who were more than happy to help me apply, compete for scholarships etc).,it had nothing to do with her potential or how smart she was.

With my support she graduated with honors from a local college with a double major in biology and photography. We own a veterinary clinic now and I can't imagine being with anyone else. We are an excellent team.

It would have been a shame if I wrote her off because we were from different sides of the proverbial tracks...

[hjames]

It's really hard to explain, and unfortunately a sidebar to this thread, but what I describe in shorthand - despite the questionable terminology - truly is the case.

I've spent 15 years and much money on her coaching, classes, therapy, etc. At the end of the day, my wife will not break from her family who ACTIVELY discourage her from college, jobs, and even home ownership.

I'm just a random guy posting on a forum. I know it's hard to believe this, but it is true. I married her without the slightest stereotypes but I have had to learn the hard way about this dysfunctional mindset. Very sad. She is a sweet person who has been stunted by her background and will not separate from it.

I'm not sure what you want rid of here? Your wife or your thinking.
Your current thinking is similar to my toxic parents.

Talk with a T.

[hjames]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I'm not sure what you want rid of here? Your wife or your thinking.
Your current thinking is similar to my toxic parents.

Talk with a T.

I feel like you are attacking me. Please don't project your parents on me. I am a gentle soul.

I'm Comparing my parents thinking to yours.
We're all gentle souls honey.

I'm not into switch & bait.

I feel like I get what you're saying Hjames. 99.99% of me thinks the damage has been done, and no amount of therapy is going to change me, my attitudes, or my life trajectory. Every now and then I get a glimmer of hope that things can change, But Im quickly brought back to reality. Nothing ever changes.

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

But what I've come to discover is that feelings are not set in stone, they are like water, they come and go. Like cravings for a cigarette and painfully and slowly you can learn to manage them recognize them and sometimes even wave them goodbye...

I'm going to remember this. This means a lot.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by hjames

It's really hard to explain, and unfortunately a sidebar to this thread, but what I describe in shorthand - despite the questionable terminology - truly is the case.

I've spent 15 years and much money on her coaching, classes, therapy, etc. At the end of the day, my wife will not break from her family who ACTIVELY discourage her from college, jobs, and even home ownership.

I'm just a random guy posting on a forum. I know it's hard to believe this, but it is true. I married her without the slightest stereotypes but I have had to learn the hard way about this dysfunctional mindset. Very sad. She is a sweet person who has been stunted by her background and will not separate from it.

People get divorced for all sorts of reasons and those reasons are valid. I am not sure one needs a reason that others agree with. I don't think you can fix another person. I left a partner who was still so stuck to her toxic family and the problems it caused that I could not deal with her depression and unhappiness.