The Couch - Cent Dix (110): A Little Bit of Everything, A Whole Lotta Nothing

(((Artemis))) Why a month?

I want to buy a small house with a tall hedge in the middle of nowhere.

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(((Art)))
Might be good to talk it out... I don't know. I was mostly okay before T yesterday. I didn't realize I was as upset as I am. And I'm not sure why it is I'm so upset...

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Is tomorrow your last session before your month-long break? Could that have anything to do with your mood? Or why you want to hide for a month? (As BF says, it's a curious time period to choose.)

Well, JS, it's your lucky day! I have just the property for you! (Okay, it's more like a gazebo, but maybe SM can build you some walls.)

Might I offer a thought? (if not - okay and I could be off base completely) - I think it can be frustrating if one views it as whether others are or are not loving you for who you are. That is, to me, still looking to others for their approval. I don't really see bosses as really being something to find this from - they have a different agenda which may or may not line up with what the employee has or wants or is. The same with children, spouses, friends etc - they are all going to want things from you that you may or may not have or want to give. And that is fine - but that they want it different is not something, in my opinion, that you need bother with - if you don't want to do or be something - just don't do or be it. You don't have to justify it or feel bad about it or get angry that they want something else or more or different. It just is and they can go deal with their response to you not changing for them. I have found people usually get over it and go on.
I am not sure I wrote this so it makes sense - it makes sense in my head and I am trying to say is you can be fine with yourself even if others seem not to be and without getting so worked up at the others - that is still giving them the power.
Be the Artemis. Om Om Om.

And chop down some the bushes. Let us hope no one has allergies.

Ive seen that on tv, its great.

Walls I can do. Unfortunately, we need a yard service, cuz I'm not going anywhere near those pollen-monsters!

I'm fine with the bushes. More stuff to hide behind. Need more walls though...

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Does anybody else find it hard to not dismiss any past negative emotions? For example, last Saturday after my therapy session, I was really nauseous all day--and it wasn't a stomach bug, because those go pretty predictable with me. I wrote my T an email asking if nausea could happen like that as an effect from the therapy, and she thought it could, even if she used the "trauma' word to me, that i refuse to believe for myself (of which i will tell her tomorrow). So that was unsettling, but I was ok on Sunday.

Monday I was EXHAUSTED beyond belief, sort of 2 weeks of exhaustion piled upon me. I happened to have a doctor's appointment that day, and she cut one of my medications in half wondering if it was contributing to the exhaustion. Monday was a terrible day, and I didn't cope that well at night--drank, self-harmed, etc...

But, the rest of the week was SO much better. That medication must have done a number on me, because I felt like a whole new person, and i find it hard to connect to the person I was over the weekend/monday, and now feel silly that i am in therapy.

My therapist talked a little about this with me last week, that i am afraid to talk about anything good because it means that i am fine and normal and shouldn't need help/therapy anymore. She got it exactly right, and i am wondering if my dismissivness of how i was feeling on Saturday or Monday is related to that.

That makes total and complete sense to me!! That is so what I'm learning how to do and process myself. Thank you so much for sharing this SD!

ART I hope you are better!

This was not actually meant erotically/sexually but if you have ET or issues about T abuse I think this might be triggering so use appropriate caution.....

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So today my T said , in response to my disclosure of some major positive changes in my life, "a client like you is every therapist's wet dream!" Then she kind of went pale and sputtered "I mean... Not in a sexual way..not a real wet dream..but ...oh, you know what I meant, don't you??"

I was glad she was so excited about my work. It was also kind of funny to see her realize how weird what she said sounded and try to back track.....

I've felt everything you are describing. It's scary to me because I don't understand what's going on!

There is a part of me that keeps questioning why I need to be doing what I'm doing (therapy) "what is this going to accomplish?"

There is a part of me that is afraid of being ok. Which makes no sense to me, since that's the goal. Right?

It creates a complete system overload. Don't know how to look at that.

I can relate to this. It is hard to acknowledge when I haven't been feeling absolutely awful because I'm afraid it means I was faking it all along or my pain wasn't real, somehow. Odd that I do this with physical illnesses as well as emotional troubles. Or maybe not that odd, I'm not sure.

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I started to say a week, but that didn't feel long enough, was all...

It will be good to talk it out. She's handled my anger before, she'll handle it again if it comes out....

Yes - it is. I hadn't really thought about that - even though I am the one insisting on the break, I imagine that there is a part of me that does not want a break. Hmm. Another thing to add to my list for tomorrow!! thanks.

That all does make very good sense especially the parts I bolded. It's like the same thing I continually do with my h isn't it - I am still still still despite all the work I have done on myself still wanting approval from outside of myself. Wow. You're right. Geezo pete, I just realized something - if I kept all the power within myself that I am constantly putting on other people - I could really do something then - THAT would be the power that I need to like you said, just be fine with myself! And go be my most amazing ME in the world. Instead of giving my power away, start using it within myself.

I really really like that "Be the Artemis. Om Om Om." Might need to put that on a t-shirt.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. The collected wisdom on the couch is a thing to behold!!

To the bolded parts, YES.

Oops missed this one! I am feeling better this evening. Thanks.

I'm glad are feeling better. Forgive me if I said something wrong. I know I've flipped out a few times here. This is all blowing my mind and I was looking for a place to understand.

Tonight is no a good place for me. I apologize if what I said was not ok.

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Spent most of the day at the park today...seeing parents so engaged with little kids...was bittersweet...all i could think was...that if one of my parents spent that kind of time with me..just a moment even...i would hold it dear forever. or that moment will hold me forever.

sadly no such memories.
i wondered about all these lucky kids ...and how special they must feel...its so priceless !!!

I know. I just watched Steel Magnolias for the first time. Where the baby Jack runs to his granma. I think - just once! But no. Geez.

You seriously had never watch Steel Magnolias before? Wow! I think I could quote most of the movie. One of my favorites.

I know, right? You would think it woulda been at the top of my list! You know its an OLD movie when a character (shirley maclain) lights up a cigarette in a hospital!

You didn't say anything wrong at all. I said oops cuz i missed responding to you with the rest on accident thats all. I'm still figuring out how to multi-quote on here.

I hope you are in a better place soon. Sending gentle hugs (if you want them)

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