[Waterbear]

The new T I am seeing on a trial basis is very client led but I don't know if I am in a position to lead. It makes me feel like she isn't interested because she doesn't ask many questions, and I don't say much. I will try and talk to her about it this week because I don't think we will work together very well otherwise. I need to feel like she cares and is interested in knowing about me, my life now, my story etc but if she waits for me to talk about it we might be waiting a while because I wouldn't want to bother her with it if she doesn't want to know.

Does this resonate with anyone? Has anyone had a similar conversation with their T?

[LesFleursDuMal]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

The new T I am seeing on a trial basis is very client led but I don't know if I am in a position to lead. It makes me feel like she isn't interested because she doesn't ask many questions, and I don't say much. I will try and talk to her about it this week because I don't think we will work together very well otherwise. I need to feel like she cares and is interested in knowing about me, my life now, my story etc but if she waits for me to talk about it we might be waiting a while because I wouldn't want to bother her with it if she doesn't want to know.

Does this resonate with anyone? Has anyone had a similar conversation with their T?

I've had this conversation several times with my T actually. I have the same thing bothering me, I'm not very talkative, I never really know how to start the session, yet, my T almost always waits for me to talk instead of asking anything. I told him I'd rather being led by him, but he insisted that what mattered was what I wanted to talk about, not him and that it was part of his ethics, he lets the patient talk about absolutely anything and only then he starts asking questions, but I have to select and bring up the subject myslef. Although I don't really like it when I don't know what to say and just sit in silence, I actually understand this and I think most therapists do the same. And when I really think about it, I prefer that instead of being led on a subject that isn't relevant to me or has nothing to do with what I really want to say. Only us can know what to say, that is true.

Does your t by chance do sand play therapy? Mine does, as part of her practice. There have been times when I'd get to a session and absolutely just not have any words, did not want to talk. Those times I'd 'jump into the sand' as she'd say, and make a sand tray. Somehow, explaining the sand tray afterwards, would help me to find the words or she'd ask clarifying questions about what I'd created. Even during the time we did only phone sessions while she lived out of state, I had my own sand tray of sorts at home and I would make one and email her the picture and then we'd be able to talk about it. It's been very healing for me, the sand, even if I couldn't explain one in words. Sand play therapists have special training in interpreting the story told in the sand. Even where you place something in the sand tray means something, or so I understand. It's fascinating.

I have also typed things out, and then read them to her - or in some cases, handed her the page and asked her to read it. Once it was out there between us I was able to talk.

Early on, there were also times when I just didn't want to do anything but sit there across from her and just kind of well, for lack of a better word, bask in her acceptance of all of me.

I hope you are able to talk about it with your t, and come up with something that will help. I wish you the best!

[precaryous]

I'm going to ask T about sand tray therapy.

[skeksi]

My T is client led as well. It made the beginning SO hard! I got incredibly frustrated because he wouldn't tell me what we were "supposed" to talk about. For several months we barely talked. But little by little I began finding my voice. Being in charge of what we discussed seemed less like a burden and more like my right (it is! I am paying for it!). It's been very empowering for me.

I did have to hear from T a LOT that he was okay with me being silent, that whatever I wanted to discuss was okay, etc. etc. I needed tons of reassurance.

[Waterbear]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

Does your t by chance do sand play therapy? Mine does, as part of her practice. There have been times when I'd get to a session and absolutely just not have any words, did not want to talk. Those times I'd 'jump into the sand' as she'd say, and make a sand tray. Somehow, explaining the sand tray afterwards, would help me to find the words or she'd ask clarifying questions about what I'd created. Even during the time we did only phone sessions while she lived out of state, I had my own sand tray of sorts at home and I would make one and email her the picture and then we'd be able to talk about it. It's been very healing for me, the sand, even if I couldn't explain one in words. Sand play therapists have special training in interpreting the story told in the sand. Even where you place something in the sand tray means something, or so I understand. It's fascinating.

I have also typed things out, and then read them to her - or in some cases, handed her the page and asked her to read it. Once it was out there between us I was able to talk.

Early on, there were also times when I just didn't want to do anything but sit there across from her and just kind of well, for lack of a better word, bask in her acceptance of all of me.

I hope you are able to talk about it with your t, and come up with something that will help. I wish you the best!

Thanks for the suggestion, I can ask but I don't think she does any creative therapies. It does sound a little appealing, if only to get the ball rolling. Writing things out is my go to method but I am trying to get used to talking because it seems that is where the biggest problem lies. I can say anything over email because if she rejects me then it wouldn't hurt as much.

I think the basking in the acceptance bit is what I am after, it sounds really nice and I am glad for you that you found that. It is just that right now I don't feel that acceptance. I am hoping it will come. Thankyou for your suggestions though, it really helps knowing what others have done.

[Waterbear]

Originally Posted by skeksi

My T is client led as well. It made the beginning SO hard! I got incredibly frustrated because he wouldn't tell me what we were "supposed" to talk about. For several months we barely talked. But little by little I began finding my voice. Being in charge of what we discussed seemed less like a burden and more like my right (it is! I am paying for it!). It's been very empowering for me.

I did have to hear from T a LOT that he was okay with me being silent, that whatever I wanted to discuss was okay, etc. etc. I needed tons of reassurance.

Thankyou, I get this. I need to feel that what I have to say is worth something and that will take a lot of reassurance and time. This I got from my last T but not from this one. It is early days though and maybe I should just tell her this is what I need but I also feel like I want her to just see this in me, to show that she has an understanding of me.

[Waterbear]

Originally Posted by LesFleursDuMal

I've had this conversation several times with my T actually. I have the same thing bothering me, I'm not very talkative, I never really know how to start the session, yet, my T almost always waits for me to talk instead of asking anything. I told him I'd rather being led by him, but he insisted that what mattered was what I wanted to talk about, not him and that it was part of his ethics, he lets the patient talk about absolutely anything and only then he starts asking questions, but I have to select and bring up the subject myslef. Although I don't really like it when I don't know what to say and just sit in silence, I actually understand this and I think most therapists do the same. And when I really think about it, I prefer that instead of being led on a subject that isn't relevant to me or has nothing to do with what I really want to say. Only us can know what to say, that is true.

Sorry you are struggling too. I think I understand the principle but I guess it is about finding the right balance, one that doesn't leave us floundering or pressurised. Tough work being a T, not a job I would like to do that is for sure.

[clueda]

My T is client centered and I've talked to her about this quite a few times. She starts out with a greeting and then silence, waiting for me to talk, to choose a topic. In the beginning it made me incredibly anxious. I felt so much pressure to "say the right thing" and I always felt like she had some sort of expectation. Those were my insecurities... Talking about it helped. It has gotten a little easier with time, but we've also found some sort of compromise.
She now asks me how I felt after last week's session, how my week was or something similar and that's how I usually start off. It feels like a warm-up to me. It's also nice to reflect on last week's session a little. Although, after a while she does always make a point of asking what I want to focus on in this session.

Originally Posted by Waterbear

Thankyou, I get this. I need to feel that what I have to say is worth something and that will take a lot of reassurance and time. This I got from my last T but not from this one. It is early days though and maybe I should just tell her this is what I need but I also feel like I want her to just see this in me, to show that she has an understanding of me.

I totally understand how you wish your T could just "see" it. I feel like that quite often. In the end Ts aren't mind readers though.
Definitely tell your T about it. You can do it!

[Waterbear]

Thanks. That phrase "so, is there anything you want to talk about today" fills me with so much fear that I just freeze. I am terrified that if I can't think of anything or if I say the wrong thing she will kick me out of the room saying "well that's it for today then". I think it comes from failed therapy attempts when I was about 14. I couldn't talk so they told me they couldn't help, that there was no point. I just need to get over this and realise it is different now. Easier said than done though!!

[skeksi]

I don't think you have to just get over it--I think you have to work through it. Do you ever talk about being afraid to talk? Tell her how you feel when she asks if there's anything you want to talk about, tell her how it makes you think of "failing" at therapy in your childhood. Tell her what is going on in your head, in the here & now.

[Pennster]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

Thanks. That phrase "so, is there anything you want to talk about today" fills me with so much fear that I just freeze. I am terrified that if I can't think of anything or if I say the wrong thing she will kick me out of the room saying "well that's it for today then". I think it comes from failed therapy attempts when I was about 14. I couldn't talk so they told me they couldn't help, that there was no point. I just need to get over this and realise it is different now. Easier said than done though!!

Could you start by telling her that? That sounds like it could be a useful thing to talk about!

[Waterbear]

Thanks, yes I do agree that through rather than over is the way this needs to go, just not something I am used to doing. Definitely a good starting point for a session I think.