call for therapist voices at table: When therapist "dumps" client

I've been amazed by the overwhelming number of painful posts by clients who were abandoned by a T. I suffered this devastating betrayal about 5 years ago and identified with so many poster's experience anonymity here gives therapists an opportunity to answer some of the big questions and to tell the other side of the story without fear I'm one of the many who, years later continue to struggle and be left with confusion and significant trust problems. I urge the (sizeable group of) therapists who make up the other side of this equation to help us all out. answer that hanging "why?" and even your own pain if you felt it. this isn't an ethical inquiry so please bypass the urge to "make your case" or respond with the "right" answers. you're off the record so tell it true I think both sides can benefit We can try to learn and heal as we start a dialogue that is needed if we are to address the fact that a disturbingly high number of former therapy clients have been harmed

Sadly, my experience has prevented me from seeking help I was given the explicit impression that I could trust my therapist I was promised a great deal of loyalty and honesty My therapist spent 2 years telling me things that one day (without warning or explanation) suddenly meant nothing we had a close knit relationship one day and then she sent an em to ail basically I got half-assed, embarrassingly over-vague "explanation" that practically screamed "blah, blah...load of crap...***-covering list of a few referrals....blah, blah... gesture of condescending lack of regard for you"

I never got any answers and my requests for closure were met with a cold, poorly veiled angry string of useless remarks that presumably had some value in service to someone other than me. rather than any useful info I walked away of a 2 year old relationship completely broken and a bonus kick to the gut in the form of a declaration of "no further communication" if you are asking yourself, "what horrible thing did this person do to his therapist?" (because I sure as hell wanted to know).... that question was never even acknowledged

How do I even begin to consider therapy now? it was the worst experience of my life I spent a small fortune to be damaged deeply. My life remains significantly diminished

REACH OUT AND ENCOURAGE THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CONVERSATION TO COME TO THE TABLE I wish I could offer my former therapist a seat at the table... just one of many anonymous voices. But I cant use her name

I can only hope that this post will make its way to a place in Texas where they serve heaps of Italian? or maybe Latvian? concoctions

Sadly most therapists will protect the dysfunctional profession they belong to. It is their livelihood after all. And people who believe they have decent therapists defend the profession I think because they want to not believe the same terrible things could happen to them.

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I have experienced 2 therapists 'abandonments' and my current therapist doesn't understand them either, in fact she is quite appalled at my previous therapists.

Like you, my first one, many years ago was one of the most difficult things I've gone thru. And like you it last nearly 5 years, until I meant therapist-number-2 -who-abandoned-me. The 2nd abandoment was a little more understandable, but she handled it horribly.

As I indicated above, my current therapist has been wonderful about understanding and empathizing with my grief. She truly gets how important these previous relationships were to me and can't believe how it all transpired.

Unfortunately I worry my new T will 'turn' just as the others had, but we're trying to work thru it

I worry too that any new T would "turn"
(I saw 2 T's who did...)

I am new here too but felt moved to weigh in. I had a terribly abusive and manipulative therapist who took me down a dark path. This person was far sicker than i ever was andhas a serious personality disorder. The story is similiar to what others have experienced. It still pains me even after allthese years - and honestly, it always will. Having said that, i now also have a very good one. I think people become therapists with good intentions, although some are misguided and/or very sik themselves. The pain of being betrayed is beyond belief. But, that betrayal perpetrated is not special to some therapists. It happens often, whether it be teachers, doctors, pastors etc. People in authority are entrusted with others care - people who are vulnerable. Betrayal is, unfortunately more
common than we realize. Its not special to therapy. Its just special to us.

I've seen 5 Ts and none of them turned on me or abandoned me. I hope it isn't as common as one would think after reading this forum. I think it is terrible! Is it that those with reputable Ts don't have a need to post while those with bad experiences want and need support? That's understandable to me. I also would like to hear from the Ts who read and/or post here. What do you think of these accounts of therapists' apparent cruelty to their clients? Are there any reliable statistics about how often it happens? I would think not, since Ts seem to blame their clients and don't take responsibility for their actions. I think it's appalling the way those in a helping profession have acted. I'm not talking about sexual abuse, though that's horrible too.

You're right. I don't want to believe the same horrible things could happen to me. I do have a decent T and I know she wouldn't turn on me. She has told me how much she loves her work, and how deeply she cares for her clients. Her feelings for me aren't going to change. I know her well enough to trust her on that. I'm sorry there are disreputable Ts practicing. It shouldn't be happening!

It is a job for them. Clients are not that interesting or special for the most part. The therapist is often more unique to the client than vice versa. I don't think it matters whether they care or not. But even if one of them does care as general proposition, it is not going to keep them from being self-protective, or focussed on career changes, or their own life and if a client does not fit into that - the client is going to be a client of theirs no longer. I think the problem often comes from clients being lead to believe the illusion that it is not a job for those guys.

The T who turned on me who I've posted about never said how deeply he cares for his clients or anything along those lines

I don't think your T will ever turn on you

(The other t who I've briefly posted about I think did care more than the other one, she didn't turn in the same callous way that he did...)

My T and I have discussed the "am I just your job" question many times. Yes, we agree that I'm her job, but I'm not "just" her job. If she would close her practice or move away, she's not going to forget me. She said we could still email if that were the case. We're not friends but that doesn't make our relationship less. I pay her half of her going rate and she is no less caring than if I paid her more. I wish I could clone my T and give her to everyone who has a horrible T!!

Good to have choices. I see therapists who admit it.
It also, from their literature, seems they see a difference in what they think clients should take literally versus figuratively.
So a therapist says "I won't leave you" and means within a reasonable set of circumstances and the client means ever.
For me, I can't imagine why it would be useful to have a therapist remember me after I quit them.
I don't think they will and can't come up with a reason why they would.

OP - I think if therapists decry the practice when talking to clients and justify it when talking to each other.

I think part of the problem is T's who say they love their clients, will never leave them, care deeply for them, will always be there etc etc. No one can possibly make those kind of commitments to people who are part of their working lives. Eg my T may care very much for me, In fact I believe she does, but we both know the relationship could end at our next session if something changes for me, or her life changes (eg significant health problems, bereavement, death, employment) I won't still be part of her life nor will she be part of mine. I know she would always try to end sensitively and responsibly but I also know that may not be within her control. We've both been clear about that from the start and 2.5 years later, im still clear about it.

Yes T's have a professional duty to do no harm, of course they do, and working with vulnerable people means they need to take greater care. There are T's where I've read accounts of what has happened and thought "wtf", there are equally times where I think people seem to demand more from their T than they would from any other relationship, particularly any other professional relationship. I'm not sure how a T negotiates those kinds of needs without someone getting hurt tbh.

I've have several t's and a couple have "turned on me" but looking back it was for the best. They weren't able to help me. And while it hurt a lot, I can see now that it was for the best.

At least we know there are 2 T's like ours out there... unless we see the same T... ha

Three . my T says "whatever happens, our connection will live in both our hearts always"
She also has said that the therapy relationship, while different, is sometimes deeper and more intimate than a friendship.

I think this kind of thing happens far too often (really, even once is too many for the clients on the receiving end), but I don't think it happens in most cases (but that is no consolation if you were the case where it did happen).

I have never been dumped by a therapist, nor have I felt abandoned. I have had therapy have to end with two therapists because either they or I moved, but I never considered that at all abandonment. My therapists never promised they would be there for me forever, nor would I have ever expected them to be -- that's unrealistic. They did say they would be supportive and work with me so long as our work took, barring obvious circumstances such as job moves, retirement, death (honestly, they didn't have to say that; those kinds of circumstances seem obviously apparent to me in all things).

Just because you had a bad experience doesn't mean all therapists suck.
And there ARE positive outcomes of therapy, even on this board. So it is possible.

I'm entitled to my opinion and the more I read here even from people who think they have a good experience the more convinced I am of my own beliefs.

You're entitled to what you believe. I'm entitled to what I believe.

I sincerely hope it ends up well for you. I hope this for everyone who is in therapy. I wouldn't wish the horribleness I have been through on anyone.

My therapist and I talked about abandonment only because I brought to her attention how posters here on PC took "I am here for you no matter what" as an absolute, meaning real life won't happen to me or my therapist. She laughed at me, and explained that there was nothing she could do if she's dead, or incapacitated. She did explain having a professional will, and that lead her to reexamine who she chose. More importantly, she was trying to get me to understand, there are things we cannot control, yet, she would do all in her power to work with we me through thick and thin. She also gave me the option to continue if she felt I was not moving forward in therapy. There would be no unilateral termination from by her.

As an adult, rational me knew very well we weren't having therapy six feet under, and i'm sure my soul was going to be in hell and hers in heaven. Though for me if I invested in our relationship it would feel like abandonment no matter how it ended, except for mutual termination.

I was lucky enough to have it end well through mutual termination. We are friends now, but I guess like any relationship, including therapy and friendships, it can still end on a sour note.

Me Four. She made a sign that hung on my bedroom wall for several years, "I'm not going anywhere. I'm here no matter what."

My T did something with those same words for me as well

A former therapist was motherly sweet-sweet-sweet, until the group therapy to which she referred me soured. Then she shed her sweety act, and was prickly and adversarial as she defensively talked me out of reporting her colleague. It was clearly circling the wagons and CYA. (Feel like I'm feeding a someone a straight line.)

It's disheartening to read about so many hurtful endings.

I had one experience with a therapist that sure felt like abandonment. One day he told me I wasn't making enough progress because we were arguing a lot and suggested I see someone else who was a better fit. I was so upset after told me, I couldn't go back. I always wonder how things would have progressed if we had tried longer to work through it. It still hurts many years later and whenever I think about his face and mannerisms during that convo I choke up.

To the OP - I'm afraid we won't see too many therapists jumping in to defend their colleagues. I think there are more than a few people who would love to have a go at them!