[substancelessblue]

[TW]

At my last session I had some bruises on (mostly one of) my upper arms. I have a history of self-harm but mainly cutting. The bruises were from a more calculated hitting myself than I’ve done in the past. I was wearing a t-shirt as it was hot, I always do, and my scars are always covered with bracelets, pretty much not visible. I’ve been seeing my T for almost 3 years.

When I told my T I’d been hitting myself she said straight away, without even a pause, “Are those the bruises on your arms?” And I didn’t answer, because it felt terrible, I don’t know, like an accusation or something so I just ignored it and said to try and deflect her, “So…yeah,” which is how I often end sentences/explanations. But she said, quite casually but also insistent, “Is that what those bruises are?” And I nodded, and she just responded with her casual, “Yep?”

I don’t know why this makes me feel so weird, and sort of angry. But I never caught her looking at them when I arrived, when I sat down, anything. And I thought we had a tacit agreement that she didn’t point out/obviously look at my scars. She’s never remarked on them or anything. The first time she saw me wear shorts she looked at them with obvious concern but when I made a point of standing up and tugging the hem down, she quit it.

I feel like my scars/cuts/bruises are for me. No, I won’t hide them to a ridiculous extent. I live in a hot place and if it’s hot I’ll wear shorts and t-shirts, but always lots of bracelets. If there’s fresh cuts I’ll hide them. But I hate hate hate when somebody else points them out or remarks on them.

She also asked if I want to change, which felt sort of accusatory, though I know it probably wasn’t, like she thought the fact I have new bruises means I don’t care about getting better. Or that they made her feel impatient with me, since I’ve been seeing her for years and I’m still doing this.

Why do you think my T insisted on asking me about these bruises, when I’d already admitted I’d been hitting myself? It sort of felt like she was trying to shame me, but I know she wouldn’t…I think, anyway. It felt like she was pointing them out. It also scares me that she can look at my skin without me even noticing. I suppose I just don’t know why she wanted me to know that she saw them, or wanted me to admit I had bruises.

[ruh roh]

I think she asked you because of the correlation between your statement about hitting yourself and the visible sign of bruising--so, more like confirmation, rather than a shaming. I don't self harm, but if walked in with a big bruise and said I had been hit, I think my therapist would definitely clarify if that bruise was where it happened. If I had covered it with jewelry, maybe not so much.

And yes, I think they look at a lot without being obvious.

But I don't think there was any kind of gotcha going on. I mean, you brought it up two different ways--verbally and visually. Maybe she was taking a cue from you? Not saying anything seems kind of careless or cold, I think.

[Argonautomobile]

It's possible she thought you were intentionally showing (or just not hiding) the evidence of your self-harm in order to communicate what you could not say. Seems pretty natural, in general, for a therapist to comment on something like that, as it's the sort of thing one talks about in therapy. To me, it would be weirder to come into therapy with obvious injury and have the therapist say nothing.

If this isn't something you want her to comment on, say so. I do not personally appreciate having to account for every little scrape, scratch, bruise, or scar that my therapist happens to notice, and have told him as much.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by substancelessblue

[TW]


this makes me feel so weird, and sort of angry.

I feel like my scars/cuts/bruises are for me.

She also asked if I want to change, which felt sort of accusatory, though I know it probably wasn’t, like she thought the fact I have new bruises means I don’t care about getting better.

Or that they made her feel impatient with me, since I’ve been seeing her for years and I’m still doing this.

? It sort of felt like she was trying to shame me, but I know she wouldn’t…I think, anyway.

. It also scares me that she can look at my skin without me even noticing.

I suppose I just don’t know why she wanted me to know that she saw them, or wanted me to admit I had bruises.

I quoted the parts of your post that brought out how you are feeling. That projection aspect, not in a judgy preachy way, but to highlight for your own reflections about what this session brought out for you with your feelings.

The last sentence, I'm guess if she does keep notes it could reflect that you mentioned hitting yourself. She saw visible bruises on your arm and asked if those were result of your self harming behavior. If this occurance seemed different perhaps where there's so much domestic violence these days, one can not be certain. Yet, back to the emotions evoked by this session.

[velcro003]

Once when I walked in session, I thought I was hiding my bruises on my arm, but my T caught it and said "I see those bruises, what happened?" She already knew I hit myself, but it was said very kindly and matter of factly--not shaming at all. I hope that is probably what your T was doing, just confirming that is what the bruises were, especially if she hadn't seen them before.

[LonesomeTonight]

As some others have said, since you brought up hitting yourself, she was probably just wondering if that's what the bruises were. Like to confirm that's where you were hitting. She also may have wanted to make sure they weren't from something else, like someone else injuring you. It could be she commented on them because you noticed her looking. But I understand your reaction to it. It's like if I'm starting to have a panic attack in session, I feel weird if my T points it out. I think I'm just so used to hiding things (anxiety, etc.) that I feel exposed when attention is called to it. You mention how you usually hide scars on your arms with bracelets, so I'm guessing it's that you felt exposed, especially because your T not only looked at them, but made a comment. I'd definitely tell her how it made you feel.

[annielovesbacon]

I can completely understand why you felt this way, I would not like it either if my T pointed out my self harm marks. But at the same time a T's first priority is your safety, so perhaps she just wanted to make sure the bruises were from you and not from someone else hurting or attacking you.

[granite1]

when i first started seeing my T i wore a short sleve shirt one day . all she did was asked if that was self inflicted and said i must have been in an unbearable amount of pain to do that to myself . it seemed very compassionate .and also when i had cut myself very badly when i was seeing her and was unable to hide it she did have me hospitalized for a short time but once again seemed to do it with no further humiliation then i already felt . i doubt it was anything more then wanting to confirm the situation

[substancelessblue]

Thanks for all your thoughts everyone, I really appreciate it.
healingme4me - I agree, there's a lot of projection going on with me. I guess it's hard for me to figure out what is just my projection and what T's motivations are. I suppose I can't read her mind! Probably most judgement comes from myself, you are right.
Maybe her motivations were just to confirm, as many people say. That makes sense! Not sure if I'll bring it up with her but maybe I'll be more careful if I have marks on my skin in future.

[Ad Intra]

I agree that she probably didn't want to assume about the bruises. Funny thing is that Ts typically see these things, but say nothing.