[Cinnamon_Stick]

I have started with a new T and its online therapy as my current T is closing her practice. I am finding it hard to trust she won't abandon me like all the horror stories I have read on here. She has promised me she isn't going anywhere. How do you trust that someone new wont really hurt and/or abandon you? Are promises like that dangerous?

[stopdog]

I don't know about dangerous, but I do believe unrealistic if taken literally. A more realistic promise, I believe, is something along the lines of "I have no current plans to go anywhere and will let you know if that changes"

what about setting up 'installment' visits where you set an agenda say every three months? Having a comitted timeline might just ease your worries about the future.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't know about dangerous, but I do believe unrealistic if taken literally. A more realistic promise, I believe, is something along the lines of "I have no current plans to go anywhere and will let you know if that changes"

She did confirm this evening that she promises to be there as long as she can and if she can't for some reason she will give me as much notice as possible.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Does anyone else know how you can trust a therapist that they wont just abandon you out of no where? I am really struggling with trusting her and its putting my therapy on hold.

Sometimes, PC is not the place to be when you are trying to do a certain behavior, and the best thing to do is exit, at least for a while. You have your therapist saying, "Trust me," and you have a lot of post here saying, "Not so fast. I was..." I would encourage you to gain some strength over time from her words now and when you finish up with your other therapist, because you may be on less firmer ground during that period, and it will make it much harder to trust this other therapist in my opinion.

[rainbow8]

I would find it hard to trust an online T. I can tell a lot from my T's body language just as she can from mine. How did you find this T? Did someone recommend her?

I do agree with stopdog on this one. I don't like that my T always reassures me that she's not going anywhere. She may believe that, but no one knows what the future holds. She could move, get sick, or die. I told her that and she agreed with me, and changed her statement to something about having no intentions of leaving.

I think it's too soon to trust your new T. It takes time.

[Waterbear]

I am also in the process of switching TS and wanted a 'seamless transition' from one to the other because I did not want to put my therapy on hold or feel like I was going backwards.

I have recently come to the conclusion that this is impossible. One journey is coming to a close and another is just starting. Trust takes time to build up, it didn't happen overnight with T1 and it won't with T2. I am trying now to respect each journey for what it is, in its own right.

I don't see how I could trust a T after one of them hurt you so badly. sorry

[ScarletPimpernel]

My ex-T abandoned me. Yet one month later, I started therapy with current T. I didn't trust her. I didn't really even trust myself since my judgement of ex-T was so off. But the reason I sought therapy right after the abandonment is because I couldn't cope on my own. I truly believe I would have died if it wasn't for current T. But mind you that it wasn't easy. I thought about leaving T many times. I even went T shopping. I don't know if it was my instinct or me not wanting to find another T, but for some reason I stayed. I'm glad I did.

So I don't think you can just expect yourself to trust someone, especially someone you can't be in the presence of. You have to want to try to develop a relationship with someone. Then trust can be built.

[Argonautomobile]

How do you trust that other people in your life won't abandon you? That your loved one won't die in a car accident on the way to get milk? That your house won't catch on fire while you're on vacation? How do you trust that you'll wake up in the morning instead of dying in your sleep or that your car won't get broken into while you're at work?

There are a gazillion possible--even probable--tragedies awaiting us at every turn. It's amazing any of us manage to function, let alone flourish. I guess you just hope, pray, compartmentalize, joke, medicate, or utilize whatever other coping mechanism that happens to work for you.

[Pennster]

I try just to focus on the work we are doing and try not to think very much about the future. My therapist has said he has no plans to go anywhere and is committed to working with me, and I can usually take that at face value, plus I figure the more I work on this stuff the better able I would be to handle it if something terrible happened to him. But I think it's more of a leap of faith than anything else. I kind of feel like I have to keep going, and I want to move in the direction of feeling better, so I just take him at his word that we should be ok working together for as long as I need.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Does the lack of trust create anxiety?

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I would find it hard to trust an online T. I can tell a lot from my T's body language just as she can from mine. How did you find this T? Did someone recommend her?

I found her on this website that does online therapy. She has given me voice clips and videos. It helps to hear her voice and the videos help to see her. We are also going to be doing video sessions soon so that will also help.

Originally Posted by Waterbear

I am also in the process of switching TS and wanted a 'seamless transition' from one to the other because I did not want to put my therapy on hold or feel like I was going backwards.

I have recently come to the conclusion that this is impossible. One journey is coming to a close and another is just starting. Trust takes time to build up, it didn't happen overnight with T1 and it won't with T2. I am trying now to respect each journey for what it is, in its own right.

This was just what I needed to hear and read. I also wanted a seamless transition but it is impossible.

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Does the lack of trust create anxiety?

Yes, it is causing me a lot of anxiety because there are always the "what ifs".

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I have started with a new T and its online therapy as my current T is closing her practice. I am finding it hard to trust she won't abandon me like all the horror stories I have read on here. She has promised me she isn't going anywhere. How do you trust that someone new wont really hurt and/or abandon you? Are promises like that dangerous?

I don't think a promise is dangerous, necessarily, but I would take it for what it is--an intention based on current circumstances.

When I started with my current therapist, I had lost a whole support team that fell to the side one by one, for various reasons (mostly moving and death). She pumped an arm muscle when I pointed out that she was the only one left standing. I took it to be a sign of endurance. That's really the most I (or you) can ask for--are they up for it and, barring any catastrophes, are they in it for the long haul?

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's a loss unlike any other.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I don't think a promise is dangerous, necessarily, but I would take it for what it is--an intention based on current circumstances.

When I started with my current therapist, I had lost a whole support team that fell to the side one by one, for various reasons (mostly moving and death). She pumped an arm muscle when I pointed out that she was the only one left standing. I took it to be a sign of endurance. That's really the most I (or you) can ask for--are they up for it and, barring any catastrophes, are they in it for the long haul?

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's a loss unlike any other.

I am glad my online T said that she promises to be there for as long as she can but there are unforeseen things that can happen. She says she is in this for the long haul. Time will tell I guess.

Thank you. It is a loss like no other and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I have started with a new T and its online therapy as my current T is closing her practice. I am finding it hard to trust she won't abandon me like all the horror stories I have read on here. She has promised me she isn't going anywhere. How do you trust that someone new wont really hurt and/or abandon you? Are promises like that dangerous?

I don't think you can ever ignore the fact that someone could really hurt and or abandon you, because that's life. Rather than try to believe something you know cant be true (if nothing else the therapist could die suddenly) I would figure out if it's worth worrying about, if it's justified, and if not why cant you let it go? Maybe the key is to accept that bad stuff will sometimes happen, not every time, but occasionally, and that you can survive those times.

[Elkino]

I think a T has to be realistic. She can't promise to ALWAYS be there. Nobody knows what the future holds. It's a bit like a marriage, you can promise to always be together, but things can get complicated along the way.
I thought it was very smart that she mentioned this:
She did confirm this evening that she promises to be there as long as she can and if she can't for some reason she will give me as much notice as possible.
That's what I call realistic.
And apart from that, I'm a bit scared that the fact that that's 'all she can offer' is something we have to learn to live with.

I don't get attached this easily. So for me it's not a problem to give a therapist a bit of time to figure out whether or not I can trust him or her. Often, by the time I start to feel the connection, it's often clear that I can actually trust this T.
So maybe you can keep a 'safe distance' for a while and work with this therapist until you feel comfortable enough. Nothing wrong with that, I guess.

My T makes promises to everyone and then breaks them. Promises mean nothing to him. PEOPLE MEAN NOTHING TO HIM. He joked with other clients about my tragedies. That's not saying much for the other client but for him it is telling. I gave way more respect to my T than he did for me. He may as well have crucified me. At least I'd be_______+++++.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

Does anyone else know how you can trust a therapist that they wont just abandon you out of no where? I am really struggling with trusting her and its putting my therapy on hold.

I think it is a valid concern and I don't have an answer. You learn to trust someone by getting to know them over time. Therapy asks that you trust the T up front, to a degree, and with sensitive material, which goes against instincts.