Update on T Wednesday

WARNING: Some of this post may be triggering.

So. . .for those who were wondering, I survived yesterday. It was difficult, I spent 30 minutes BS'ing about unimportant things and then we got down to brass tacks.

I went through the gamut. . .at one point, I felt so completely unreal that it was like my own skin was foreign. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see. Hearing was like hearing through a tunnel. He asked me about a specific memory - linked to my mother. I recounted the experience, stopping at, "She held my shoulders and told me how proud she was, how much she loved me while they were. . .they were. . ." and I couldn't finish the sentence. Of course. . .being the T that he is, he askd what "they" were doing. It took FOREVER to say it, and even then I couldn't say it completely. He asked probing questions that I tried to answer, whispering out the answers and pulling his pillow closer and closer. At one point, I think I totally checked out b/c I turned my head and he was sitting next to me. He quietly told me he was going to take my hand, he wanted me to reconnect with "here and now" and was it ok for him to touch my hand and so on. I don't remember whether I nodded or not, but I ended up collasped against his chest, weeping and sobbing. I don't know how long we stayed that way, but when I realized I was 'ok' again, it sort of freaked me out. I mean, we're both professionals, you know? It kind of weirded me out. Before I left, he took me by the shoulders and told me NOT to feel ashamed of leaning on him. He said he cared much more about our friendship than he did anything else, and that he knew either of us would do the exact same thing for a friend in need. He is right. But, it just feels odd, you know?

He is right. . .about this whole "trusting deeply" issue. Something happened yesterday. . .something I can't describe or put words to. I am not sure how I feel about it.

Help?

> Help?

Scary!

((( Gracey )))