[dalila]

<font color="green"> I did a dumb thing, a really, really dumb thing. I looked up my therapist’s address and then printed a map showing how to find it. For lack of a better place to keep it, I folded it up and put it in with my palm pilot. I did one quick drive by and was so embarrassed with myself; I swore to never do that again. Nevertheless, I put the paper back in the pack with my palm.

Why is this such a big deal? I lost the palm pilot! And the only thing with a local address is the paper with my therapist’s address! I just keep imaging that someone finds it and in trying to return it, sends it to her home. I have had a ton of nightmares about her handing it to me in her office along with my walking papers.

I am so scared to see her tomorrow. What if she does have it and she finally does reject me. If she doesn’t have it should I tell her about it? Or pretend it never happened? Isn’t she going to feel violated that I did this? I feel like a sicko stalking her. Even if she doesn’t have the palm, I will probably blab to her about it. If she does reject me –fire me or whatever it is called, I don’t know how I will get through.
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My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how you must feel. Did you have the therapists name and street number written on the map you printed out? I don't think its likely that if somebody found the palm they would necessarily return it to that address. I hope it went well at the therapists. You will have been by now. I'm thinking of you. Let us know how it goes.

(( dalila ))

What you did isn't dumb or odd or sicko or stalking... it's curiosity and part of the transference. It isn't at all unusual to want to know where T lives. It's a desire for self-disclosure from T, wanting to know more about their lives.

I think she'd understand what this is about and it is okay to tell her so you could talk about and feel better. You both might share a chuckle about it together.

It's okay.

[(JD)]

((((hugs)))) No, you aren't dumb.

It is natural curiousity to know more about someone you need to trust. Your T shouldn't quit you because of this one time.

Please do discuss it with her if it continues to bother you. Nothing should be in the way of good, honest communication with your therapist, imo.

Why not leave the paper at home, not carry it with you? Not only will this allay your fears of dropping it etc, but it will help you not stalk your T, as driving by could become a habit if you feed it, and you don't want that.

[Caramee]

Only you and everyone I know in therapy has done this! It's only natural to want to know things about your therapist to make her more real to you. Everyone googles everyone these days. I saw a cartoon about a guy in a bar who tries to pick up a girl. The bartender says to the guy, "She wanted me to tell you that she thanks you for your interest. She is going to go home and google you and then let you know." It's very common and I don't think it's stalking or anything like that. Have you read "In Session"? That book normalized a lot of behavior in therapy that I had previously thought of as shameful and one was people driving by their therapists' homes.

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with her, but the best way to alleviate all the tension and anxiety you feel is to tell her. (You probably didn't want to hear that.) I'm sure she'll understand. You sound like such a sweetie.

If she wanted to remain anonymous, she wouldn't have her address out in public or would be unlisted. I'm sorry for your distress.

[Perna]

I hope you find your Palm Pilot. I would instantly tell her what happened when you go to see her tomorrow. I knew my T's address, that's no big deal. I am sure it happens all the time. I'm sure she knows you well enough that she won't think you were stalking her or something? Drive by is not the same as sitting there being a voyeur! My T actually brought it up one day, said everyone has fantasies of living with their T and what were mine!!??? I worked hard not to know mine :-) I use to look my T up on the Web and then I felt compelled to tell her about that. But so what if her house/address is there. I don't think anyone who finds your Palm Pilot will "take" it somewhere other than close to where they find it (or they'll keep it). I wouldn't go to a location not knowing what it was. Why would you have a piece of paper and map with your own address? You should know your address :-) so I wouldn't think it was your address and take the Palm Pilot there. Without a phone number, I wouldn't take it anywhere other than close to where I found it. Were I you, I'd put up a few flyers on your "route" from where you had it last to where you realized you lost it.

[January]

((((((((( Dalila ))))))))))

Are you all right? Please let us know what happened.

Hugs,

Jan

[wickedwings]

hey. it's not dumb. i did the same thing in 1992, when i had my very first psychologist. since that was 15 years ago, i cannot remember how i ended up with directions, but i had found her address and directions. i never went to her address, but i had it in my possession at the time. for me, it was desperation that drove me. i had battled with myself, so i wouldn't bother her on her own time. she was a good psychologist who i saw for awhile before i had to drop out of college. anyway, from reading this thread, it's more common than it is admitted, i think. i believe your t would understand this issue. it will work out ok. wish you the best.

[dalila]

<font color="green">First my computer took a huge hit when a tree fell on the lines so i have not been able to be online. I finally got my laptop from my dh but it is not as protected as the PC and I find it a bit difficult to type on. So I had not seen all the wonderful replies.

I have seen her since I posted and I was prepared to 'fess up' but she sees my dd as well as me and we went right into some of my issues that dd has been triggering. ie my mother hunger is as deep as hers but I am in a mourning stage as I know mother was not what she should have been and dd still dreams that her birth mother is going to change. I worked so hard that I forgot about the palm pilot and printout until I got into the car to go home. yikes

I had printed out a map with her address and phone # from the computer folded it up and tucked it into the case with my palm pilot. I lost it some time after that. I had to replace the palm as I still haven't found it. Once I found someone's planner and ended up calling several of the people in it to try and find the owner. Didn't work but still i made the effort and i could see someone doing the same with this. After all, I have printed out maps like this when I was going to visit a friend....

As for the drive by, I felt so awful afterwards I will not be tempted to try that again! I kept the map cos I found it comforting to know where she lives - she has given me her home number for emergency use. She is aware that I do a lot on the computer and knows I could look her up easily but we never talked about that. We tend to keep things as professional as we can - to the point I always call her Dr. R never by her first name. It just seems we hit it off right away and if she was not my therapist I believe we could have been friends and may be friends in the future, for now I need the therapeutic relationship and she seems to find it rewarding to work with me.

I have two weeks to figure out how to broach the subject with her. She seems to like to give me homework and i am struggling with it as usual. </font>