Couch 113 - Sofa, So Good

the reason i said that is because i love watching for moments when little miss perfect june says something that is so not what you would expect. lol

I know! I had no idea ward was such a stud!!

I love your saying the hard stuff with your h. You can only get out of it what you dare to put in to it. Neither of you has to be perfect. Its how far you can go together at any given moment. For me, its sometimes as small as saying, yeah im done (like with an outdoor concert) lets go. Just saying what it is YOU want. Really hard when no one ever wanted your opinion!.

Was the therapist unkind?

Okay, couch. As you know, I am going to my T's tomorrow. I am really going to hit emotions this week, and as you could probably tell, I have a lot of trouble with that. I'm trying to find the words of what I should say and how to bring it up. I told him that is what I wanted to talk about if he remembers. I will probably get really scared if he DOES remember. Any suggestions for helping me? I'm really scared! I feel I am ready, and something is telling me to talk, but I know it won't be painless, and that is why I hated my emotions to begin with. They hurt me. Caused me to be hurt. Everyone tells me there are good people out there. Guess this forum shows that. But outside if this forum? Not so sure. But I really need suggestions! Anything helps...I just don't know how to begin or what to say.

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In the past when it was hard for me to talk about something I would type it up and bring a copy with me, and hand it to t as soon as we sat down. And asked her to read it to herself. Then we could start. I still do that sometimes actually.

I draw. Could you draw what it is?

ok all you handymen/women out there in couchland. one of my bathroom sinks, i guess it's a metal sink with porcelain paint or something on it, and it's been chipped off around the overflow hole since we bought the house and I've never fixed it. isn't there some kind of paint you can buy to touch up stuff like that?

I'm not sure if I want to make a separate thread about this, but has anyone felt like their problems aren't "good enough" to be in therapy, or even that whatever happened or didn't happen in childhood isn't a "good enough" reason to feel the way you do currently?

Ok, i will explain a bit more. I am diagnosed with chronic depression...been going on for about 13ish years (though I think maybe my T thinks I have been depressed longer than that...i am not sure about that), and have dipped down lower...and come back up to baseline for me, which is basically like living in a world of grey.

But...i have felt like this for so long, that it doesn't necessarily "bother" me...it feels normal, you know?

Sooooo...anyway, my T has recently brought up that my extreme prematurity (born at 24 weeks) was a major trauma and really effected my attachment process--i spent four months in the hospital, i don't think i was even allowed to be held until about a month after I was born. She said that because my attachment process was interrupted, I have a very deep sense that I can't trust anyone to really be there for me, and has affected my relationships. I do agree that I am very avoidant-fearful, and haven't even TRIED dating anyone in 13 years.

This is also complicated by my confusion on sexuality...which i do keep avoiding talking about.

ANYWAY, the point i am getting at, is it makes me VERY angry to think that all of my current issues are due to being stuck in the NICU for a few months after I was born? That feels completely lame. I know my T isn't judging me because I haven't been abused or had any tragic losses--I should be (and am, mostly) grateful i didn't experience those things! I think part of it might be that I can't connect to this infant who had a intense few months still cooking in the NICU. Obviously, I don't remember it.

Well..i've wandered off tangent.

There is all kindsa stuff. I just found some stuff at a hardware store that you can touch up the prongs of your dishwasher rack with. Im gonna try fixing my bathtub with that.

Eta - i am sorry i was so *****y about your h. The first mr luna once "offered" to have my car stolen and torched. I am still appalled i was ever in that situation.

It's ok. That's like that saying, "for every step forward there are two steps back." Just keep pressing forward! Easy for me to say I know, not in your shoes right now. But, I do have a pair that similar.

So do I DF. ART your story seems to be mine too. Every word I read resonated in my heart. This may be a trigger but I so want to share it. Just saying.

I myself am in my 50s. Don't understand the pivotal point of that age. Anyway. My mom takes great pride, even now at my age, reselling stories is how defiant, strong willed, disrespectful and basically a bad kid that I was. She usually likes to take this opportunity at holidays or gatherings where there are many people around. She loves to replay the moments that she punished me into obedience.

Case in point:

I'm 2 standing in my driveway. There is a line before you get too close to the road. She tells everybody/me that I'm not supposed to cross that line. Unfortunately, I do. She takes great pride in telling the story that she pulled a switch off the tree in the front yard and switched my leg every time I put it across the line.

In my memory, I did step across the line, I do remember the switch and also the fact that it hurt and every time I put my foot down for the hurt of the switch it was over the line. Switch again. I was caught In a no win situation with no way out. I couldn't get away from the line or the switch.

It would have been so different if she had just picked me up. Carried me away from the line in the driveway and told me that she loved me.

Just wanted to share that part of me.

I'm 18. I have told T it's like that little girl I pushed to the side when I had to grow up to take care of my mom emotionally and deal with everything is still hiding in me, waiting to be released. A lot of people say I act older than I am. They are surprised at how young I am. They call me an 'old-soul'.

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