Once a month: therapist's vacation

Today my therapist told me that from now on, she would take a week of vacation per month. That doesn't include all the regular holidays (Christmas, Easter, summer) that she will still take. When she told me that, I reacted as follows: I stood up, grabbed my purse and my coat and walked out, slamming the door behind me. I'm impulsive. But I'm also deeply hurt and furious. Who takes that many holidays? I only see her once a week for 50 minutes and now, I will be seeing her 3 times a month instead of 4. Clearly her job is not her priority. I think I know why she's doing that: I found out that she's planning on buying a country house. Hence the extra vacation time. She doesn't know I know that of course. But it doesn't matter: all it comes down to is that I will be seeing her less than before and that's ****ing ********. I'm furious. I could leave her but I'm too attached. Any encouragement or thoughts welcome. Thanks in advance.

I totally understand your impulsive reaction. Honestly, this doesn't make sense, like you said who does that ?? Therapy is all about consistency and knowing that your therapist is there no matter what, once a week you go see her and she's there, ready for you. Now this ? I don't understand.

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That is a lot of time off. Could she have a health problem?

You could ask for her for one of the last appointments before her monthly vacation and the first one when she gets back. That would still only be 3 unless you meet twice in one week.

I can understand you feeling anxious about your therapy and only you know if seeing her 3 times a month will be ok with you. I see mine fortnightly just now and that works ok for me, so your Ts holiday pattern would be fine for clients like me. It doesn't sound like it's fine for you though and when I needed mine weekly I hated when she went on holiday.

In saying that, it doesn't mean her work isn't a priority for her, just maybe not her main priority? It's ok that she wants a different work/life balance - and if she has a holiday home, it's ok for her to want to spend time there too. It's equally ok that you have feelings about it but it doesn't mean she's done anything wrong.

Sounds like she is transitioning into retirement. My husband could probably technically take a week off a month. He's been working with his company for so long he accrues a huge amount of vacation time very quickly.

You could probably arrange your appointments, spacing-wise, so that you can still have 4 sessions a month (wouldn't be on the same day each week though), and the longest space between appointments in a month would be around 10 days which isn't too bad. Take a look at it and see what can be worked out. I know this is upsetting, but it might be workable. It does sound a bit like she's working toward retirement though, so you probably need to have that discussion with her.

A month ago, I asked her whether she had a date for retirement (she's 54). Like, would she consider retire at 60? or earlier? She said she had no idea. And now this? If this is her transitioning into retirement, she's lied to me. That's even worse.

Like I said, I think it's about her country house. Not a health problem. But I could be wrong. She didn't tell me WHY she was taking that week off every month, she doesn't share much.

That sounds really tough for you. All I can share is in my experience you will get used to it. I know that's probably not very helpful right now though. My T moved from living 25 minutes away to living 2 hours away...I was absolutely devastated at the time, sent her all sorts of emails saying how she doesn't care about me and is leaving me etc. But it all worked out. I now see her as often as I want to drive the two hours to see her. She only works 2 days a week but we have made it work. I now go around every 2 weeks, sometimes it's 3, sometimes 4. But we still have that connection and I can email her whenever I like. The distance in some ways has helped me because I make better use of my time with her as I see her less often. Not sure if this helps but I hope you are able to maintain your relationship with her even if seeing her a little less.

It may be her transitioning to retirement, she may just be slowing down a bit - something may have changed for her since having the conversation with you. Or she may just like the idea of working a bit less but all of that is her business and I'm not sure she owes her clients an explanation. She hasn't said she's going to stop working all together - it may be worth talking to her about your fears about your therapy but don't be surprised if she doesn't tell you much more than she has already.

Have you been with her forong? I'd hope she would be more open with you if you've been a long term client.

Wow. That sucks. Maybe add a 2nd t?

That transition can take several years though. It doesn't mean she's set a date yet, but she's apparently found a country home to enjoy it when it comes, she has the ability to lighten her workload a bit and has chosen to do so. That isn't that unusual as people get older and more financially established. It is a transition, but that doesn't mean it is happening tomorrow.

I have a teacher friend who did finally retire last year, but she and her husband had been planning for like 6 or 7 years. They bought land in New Mexico years back, then they started finding builders, then they started having the house built, she started taking more days off because it was either use them or lose them . . . it was all finally in place so she could really retire last spring. It wasn't a sudden retirement; it was a plan.

Your T may not at all be lying to you when she says she doesn't know.

Thanks. The thing is, it seems like she doesn't care, that she couldn't be bothered with her clients. Taking a week off every month is a lot for a therapist. They have a duty to their clients. But maybe I'll get used to it, as you say. or maybe not.

Thanks. She may indeed have a plan.

I doubt she's lying. This could be something she's going to try for a while. Maybe this will lead to her feeling more refreshed and rested, so she'll be better able to be there for you as a T.

My T is around retirement age and has been only working 3 days a week since I first started seeing her 4 years ago. If she'd been working full weeks, then suddenly switched to 3 days, then I'd be worried about impending retirement, too. I still worry about it. But she just recently attended a conference, so I'd think if she was about to retire, she wouldn't be doing that. And I get the sense she'd give me a fair amount of notice, as she's aware of my attachment to her (though not as intense as that to my marriage counselor, who's considerably younger than her).

Some therapists take a day or two off every week; this is just a different structure so it seems like more time when really it isn't time-wise any more than many therapists already take.

I think that this is an interpretation that is pretty skewed towards your own attitudes about what it means for a T to care about her work or what priorities of anyone "should" be. Deciding to take a week per month off does not mean you don't care or can't be "bothered" with clients. Those in jobs with a lot of direct client contact and/or in the helping professions often find that taking time off is not only necessary for them to recharge, but it also helps them do their jobs better when they return, as they have more energy and patience because they have engaged in good self care. As my T always tells me whenever I carve out time away from my wife and children, "deposits are good for later withdrawals."

Of course Ts have "a duty" to clients, as do all professionals. That doesn't require them to be in the office 5 days/ week or 4 weeks per month or 10 months per year or any such thing. As someone suggested to you earlier in this thread, she may be able to add an additional session so you can continue to see her 4 times/month or closer to that. My guess is that if you stop slamming out of the room and ask for what you need, you may get it.

Unfortunately I think this is the kind of situation where she decides how she's going to run her practice and you decide whether you can live with that.

But if I were you I'd talk about it with her till I was blue in the face and either came to terms with it or decided to leave.

I'm curious -- does she not see the impact that saying this would have on you? Especially if she's not introduced it gradually (instead just saying "from now on...") and is not willing to offer anything like a phone session or some other sort of check-in in lieu of the in-person session?

I can understand her not wanting to share why she's doing it etc but this seems like a rather sudden shift and not something that most Ts would do suddenly (unless the norms are different where you are)?

This seems a bit like screwing up Therapy 101?

I see it differently, she isn't closing her practice or changing her availability that much, she just can't see clients every week of the month. If she is using the one week a month as holiday/vacation why would she offer a phone session instead - that would mean she is still working. I agree it's one of those things where she gets to decide how she works and it may not suit everyone but she isn't ending, abandoning etc she's just changing her work pattern.

Just in case you're referring to my comment -- I didn't intend to imply that she was abandoning, ending etc.

From what I understand, most Ts change their stuff rather gradually -- so, even something like a change in the office decor or session slot is undertaken with a sort of gradual stepping-in. I don't think that has anything to do with the client or their needs but rather just how most therapists are taught / learn to do stuff.

And, when it's rather inevitable that things have to happen suddenly, they offer other stuff to make the transition smoother -- again, my understanding is that it's little to do with an individual client's needs but rather a sort of therapy by the book formula.

It's possible that I'm of course mistaken and this isn't something that T's necessarily follow.

I am sorry myrto, this sounds both painful and frustrating especially since it's out of the blue. If your t had of been more open and said she bought a house to renovate, perhaps that would hurt more because it would appear she didn't care but I suspect she does but this is about your feelings and not hers. It is a lot of time off and maybe she has good reason to justify it. I think your reaction and by walking out was reasonable and shows how important your work together has been for you. Do you think you can work through your feelings and fears with her? I think this could be where the real work lies, perhaps this fear of abandonment will bring you closer. Maybe she could do one week of two sessions, so you still get four sessions a month, do you think you could ask her because it sounds like you could use these to process what's happening right now. Please be gentle with yourself and not punishing

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I'm sorry, that's very frustrating. I have dealt with similar challenges with my psychiatrist, where her work availability was readjusted every 6 months or so....each time I contemplated drawing things to a close but chose to keep working with her. Unfortunately now that she's leaving the practice altogether the choice is no longer in my hands

the health problem possibility is a good point, mentioned earlier though. I'm dealing with a severe deviated nasal septum. it doesn't sound like a major health issue from the outside....but it caused severe sleepiness and went undiagnosed for a long time. the fact of the matter is I've had to take a lot of time off in the last couple of months. Now that I know it's a nasal septum issue and I am scheduled for surgery I've discussed it with a few of my regular patients. But I think before people wouldn't have been too understanding that I was taking off time due to "simple" sleepiness.

Not that such a thing is neccessarily the case for her, but just noting the health problem thing isn't always obvious to the onlooker. It doesn't make this situation any less sucky for you no matter what, so I am sorry :/

Thank you. I definitely need to talk to her instead of storming out. I was just so mad. She could indeed do one week of two sessions, so that's an option for me.

My therapist doesn't do phone sessions or check-in or ay of that. Not the way she works. It is a sudden shift, yes. It caught me off guard.

Thankfully, I'm far enough along in the process that I enjoy the break too whenever my therapist takes one ... Of course, early on in the process I'd be all kinds of messed up if I missed one session for any reason!

I've come to realize that therapists are human beings just like me and that human things impact there lives just like me, therefore, I don't get overly upset when they need time for themselves to tend to their human needs ... Nor do I feel it necessary for them to explain to me why that is ... For all I know they could be taking a new course or attending a seminar to learn new information that could even prove helpful to me and my recovery process.