Couch 114 - Take a Pew

Aren't conspiracies generally antidemocratic in nature? You know, because only few people know about them?

Look all i et today was oatmeal andthen a movie hotdogg. Youre confusing ME!

Yes, but it's only been two weeks. Come June, we will probably lower the price and think about getting an agent.

"Read up"?

Are you training to be a T (in which case it makes perfect sense) or is this your own therapy (in which case it makes no sense at all)?

::::::::THUD!!::::::::

"Oh! Hi! I didn't recognise you without your uniform."

I dunno. My t suggests books she thinks I would find helpful all the time cuz she knows I love to read...

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Not training to be a t..there are plenty of books, articles, etc in this topic. He actually wanted me to read only own, because we disagree a lot on the subject and wanted me to research on the own.

You're quite good at your job, though.

one of my T use to take me to a gym to hang out in the saunas and steam baths to help me relax. it also meant we needed to get undressed .i was convinced it was so she could check on the SA damage . i do think she might have got in trouble for it but not for the getting undressed part but i was not suppose to leave the resident grounds. for some reason it never bothered me to do things like that with this T

Technically you are correct, but it feels cold to me in this context.

Been away from the couch for a bit, but could use some input. For those of you in long-term relationships of some kind, what counts as "quality time" with your partner?

This has come up quite a bit recently with H, and he claims he's not "counting," but it seems like he is, because he'll say certain things "don't count." Like, somehow, a dinner out while our daughter is at his mom's doesn't necessarily count? Because sometimes, we're not connecting during that time, like I might be looking at my phone during some of it, even though we're having conversation. And we're going out tomorrow night with another couple, but from what he said tonight, that apparently won't count (daughter will be at my mom's), because I'll be talking to my friend much of the time, even though we'll all be out together. Seems the only thing he wants to "count" are nights after our daughter goes to bed, which is often when I'm trying to get work done (I work from home doing editing) or am just wiped out. Or if we do hang out, it's unclear to me what "counts." Like, whether just watching a TV show together, without talking much--does that count? Or maybe him watching a hockey game, while I'm half-watching, half surfing the web? (When it's football season, we'll watch a game together, but I'm just not that into hockey.) Do we have to be sitting and having deep conversation for 2 hours to count? Sure, yeah, we did that 10 years ago, pre-kid (who is also special needs--on autism spectrum). But now, I don't feel like I have the energy/mental capacity to do that, say, between 10 and midnight.

It's just really frustrating, because he claims he doesn't "keep count," but then will say x or y "doesn't count," so doesn't that imply he's counting? For what it's worth, I'm an introvert, and he's more of an extrovert, but supposedly he gets that I need alone time. And most on here probably know, but we're in marriage counseling (and he informed me tonight that our MC sessions don't count as time together, which I kind of figured...). I just feel like there's no way to live up to his expectations. And recently I tried asking him what his expectations are, but he can't say. So...how can I meet his expectations if I have no idea what they are? And if my idea of "quality time" is different from his?

I would think by now you would be used to me being thusly.
Plus, I did clarify.

I wonder if what he means by saying he doesn't "keep count" is that he's not tallying the number of times in, say, a week or a month that you have "quality time." When he says things "don't count" as quality time, he may mean they don't fit his definition of it.

It sounds like you two might discuss what you each define as quality time together, and establish how often you need it to happen to be satisfied. You can't meet his needs in this area if they aren't well defined.

I would think it time for a definition discussion.

hahahaha.

I AM SO BORED. This day has lasted eons.

LT - why not ask him in your next counselling session?

For me, I would say quality time is something I and my partner experience together. You don't have to be talking the whole time, certainly not on a deep level. It can be watching a movie together, lying in bed quietly reading together (different books, but same intellectual activity), or yes, eating dinner together at a restaurant (with no one looking at their phone unless it's an emergency). I often went hiking with my first husband, and we certainly didn't talk very much (too busy panting) - just experienced exercise and nature together. So yeah connection is key.

I would agree with him that dinner with another couple doesn't count, because it's not just the two of you. Likewise him watching sports while you surf the web - you're not experiencing it together like you would be the same movie.

Is there some way that you can agree on certain nights of the week as together time? Maybe not the same nights every week, but at the beginning of each week, see what nights might be best? If you can plan for it, you'll have time and energy. Of course it needs not to be a war zone - he's got to be flexible if you suddenly get hit with a deadline on an agreed night, etc.

Sorry.

This is only partly about you. It reminded me of a gripe against Madame T that never got resolved. And it doubtless goes back to my mother.

It has been a very long time since I last felt as depressed and hopeless as I do tonight

I figured I sometimes remind you of MT. Plus I also have underperforming hair.
But it might be less disconcerting for you to remember - we both know you find me cold and my detachment distresses you. It is okay. Is it just women who disconcert you or do cold detached men also?

Sorry you're feeling depressed and hopeless! I hope things get better soon. Hang in there! Want to talk about why you're feeling that way?

That sounds annoying to have him say he isn't keeping count even though it feels like he is. I'm sorry. I do agree though that being on your phone while at dinner and going to dinner with another couple aren't times when you're really spending quality time together. To me quality time is when you're doing things alone with another person and you're solely focused on each other or on the activity you're doing together. It doesn't necessarily have to be a deep conversation, just a conversation where you're both fully present. Or doing something together like watching a movie or playing a game.

I know this reply is late, but wow! I can't believe that happened, and that she actually waved to you! I don't know what I'd do if this happened to me. I think the part of me that has erotic transference would be pleased, but another part of me would be totally freaked out and shocked and flustered.

BB have you had your surgery yet?

Just waiting for my youngest to ring so i can pick her up and have her for my week. Sometimes those weeks without her are very long.