[ilovepeas]

Hello everyone

I am completely new to this forum so please go easy on me! I have a very general question and I hope someone can let me know whether I am just being silly about this or not.

I will do my best to be brief:
I suffer from anger issues, and it has lead me, at times, to be violent. I am getting help for this, and am following DBT, and CBT techniques. I am genuinely doing everything I can do better myself.
My boyfriend betrayed me and we are now going through a process where I have to decide if I can forgive and forget this betrayal.
After I found out about the betrayal, I asked for space, which my boyfriend refused. I therefore got angrier and angrier at not being allowed to think and recover, and so when he spoke to me doing this time, I was very harsh, telling him to shut up and not wanting to hear his explanations. In my opinion I was entitled to space.
I have now been told that his therapist has described my behavior as 'Hitler-esque'.
I find that I am completely offended by this. Not only am I not at all like a genocidal dictator, but I feel like such over the top insults go against all the work I am doing to identify and prevent me 'awfulising' and over-generalising.
It is just really offensive and, in my opinion, really unprofessional.

Am I just being over-sensitive?

Thanks!

[ScrewedUpMe]

Hi there and welcome to the forum!

Wow...unprofessional doesn't even come close!

I can really empathise with you, I have been in similar situations where I have had the urge to hit out at my husband because of my anger issues. He has been to a therapist or two to get support for being my carer. He refuses to see anyone that talks negatively of me because he says they clearly are not understanding the issues that we, and especially me, have. It is not at all helpful for a professional to act like that. Their job is not to judge anyone but to try to offer explanations of behaviour and try to help a client find better ways of dealing with things.

I would be highly offended too by this. What did your partner think of you being described in that way??

That's not appropriate for a therapist to say. But, I have to ask: who told you this? Did your boyfriend tell you that his therapist called you "Hitler-esque"? If so, it's possible he fabricated that in order to make you feel guilty. Remember: he betrayed you and refused to give you space when you asked him to. So, it's entirely possible he completely made that up -- and if he really did make that up to make you feel guilty, do you still want to be his girlfriend?

Even if he didn't make that up, don't you think your boyfriend may have fabricated his side of the story in order to make you look like a villain in the eyes of his therapist? I mean, if his therapist did call you Hitler, you can only imagine the kind of things he told her. So, don't you think he might tell other people the same thing? Do you want to be friends or partners with someone who does that to you behind your back?

Personally, I would break up with him. He sounds like a major a**hole -- but it's ultimately your choice.

It sounds like your relationship is perhaps a bit beyond repair. And I agree with bluebicycle, you are hearing this 2nd hand from a person who likely put himself in the best light and you in the worst, and who may have come up with that phrase completely on his own.

Seems like there are bigger issues here than some name-calling. This is more about you and your boyfriend than you and the therapist.

My ex told me over and over again that his therapist thought I was everything-negative-fill-in-the-blanks-under-the-sun. That was, until he requested I go in to see him. It was no great leap to see that my ex had been less than truthful and omitted the entire story to his therapist. After a brief talk to me, the therapist turned to my ex and basically called him a lying idiot before asking me to leave the room. It is my guess that all my husband had wanted was someone to validate his cruel behaviour; that he wasn't interested in change or responsibility at all.

[ilovepeas]

Hi Everyone! Thank you so much for putting my mind at ease a bit!
To answer your questions:
Unfortunately it was my bf who told me about this comment, and it actually followed other revelations apparently delivered by the therapist such as that I have borderline personality disorder (this was declared after only 3 meetings with my boyfriend, and zero meetings with me), and that I could never be happy with anyone else but my boyfriend!

So, ScrewedUpMe, unfortunately my bf has no issues with passing these things on.

@BlueBicycle my first impulse also was that there was no way a therapist could say something so wild and offensive based on so little. So I asked about the BPD diagnosis, as I really thought that was an odd one given he had never met me. The therapist said that his actual words were that 'some behaviors described were consistent with BPD'. Quite a different thing. Especially when I heard what the 'behaviors' were that I had apparently displayed!

I also asked the therapist after I posted this thread about the Hitler comment. His answer was:
"(boyfriend) simply described a conversation in which you were insulting him repeatedly and telling him to "shut-up" when he tried to defend himself, explain, etc. I believe I said something to the effect of "yes, sounds kind of dictatorial, even Hitlerian in terms of her tendency to try dominate you in the relationship."

Yes, over-the-top. Just my opinion at this point "

Although this is a wild mis-telling of the story, I still feel it is not an appropriate parallel. Telling someone to shut up, insulting and not listening is somewhat better than the persecution of the Jews! I informed him that I was offended and corrected the story, and he did actually apologize, so I do feel slightly vindicated there.

I guess I'm just finding things extra sensitive because I do feel like I am working so hard, but the only feedback I get from the bf is how awful everyone thinks I am (apparently his kids dislike how I treat him and supposedly everyone he speaks to has called me a gold digger at some point, neither of these things is even vaguely accurate). Why can't things just be simple?!

Thanks for all your responses though, what a lovely forum I have found!

[Rive.]

Not only are you *not* bring over sensitive but your bf is a piece of work. He refuses to give you space, which you are entitled to, nor respect your wishes but he hurts you further by reporting this inappropriate comment?!

I am bound to question (i) whether his T actually said that or is your bf lying to guilt-trip you or (ii) if it is true (T comment) I seriously doubt bf was honest regarding his own despicable behaviour towards you. It's easy to depict you as the monster and his as the victim and/or the long-suffering saint.

I would think very carefully whether I would want to be with such a person...

[divine1966]

I bet your BF lies. No therapist would say it

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[atisketatasket]

I don't know whether the therapist said it or not. It's entirely possible s/he did: therapists often overstate things to "help" their clients understand something.

But the therapist isn't the real issue - your source for this information is your partner, right? And he used the term as a weapon against you. Whether he made it up or is using his therapist's words against you, the issue is him, not the therapist. You can't do anything about his relationship with his therapist; you can do something about your relationship with him.

By the way, there's an internet rule of thumb that in online arguments, the first person to compare the other to a Nazi loses the argument automatically. Same goes for real life.

[ilovepeas]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

By the way, there's an internet rule of thumb that in online arguments, the first person to compare the other to a Nazi loses the argument automatically. Same goes for real life.

Yes! I made this point to him! Godwin's Law! It wasn't very well received though....lol!

[Ididitmyway]

You are rightfully offended, as this is an objectively offensive comment, especially coming from a professional, assuming, of course, that your bf didn't make it up.

But I wouldn't focus so much on what's happening in his therapy. His therapy and whatever happens there is his business. I think, it's more important to focus on not letting things like that undo all the work you have done on yourself. Keep your focus on yourself, not on who said what about you if this is a third party you have no contact with and who is not a part of your life.