The Couch 116: Puns Tsar Terrible...

I had two dreams about last night. I've been listening to a meditation recording my T made me about lucid dreaming. I wasn't able to change the outcome of the dreams but they didn't upset me as much as they would have a month ago. They were still pretty upsetting, though. I feel better a couple hours after waking up.

Today is much cooler, which is nice. I just have to decide what to work on today since grades were submitted yesterday (I was very generous with them).

Life sucks.

Agreed.

(((Breadfish)))
(((Ellahmae)))

And I've got a 7.6 for my Economics test.

My life is so great. Really. I go to school and I get good grades. Wonderful! I just feel like crap. But no, that doesn't matter, because I get good grades. I manage to go to school whole days, where last year I only went a little over 2 hours a day. So everyone says "Well done! You're doing so great, you're going to school the entire day! You're interacting with people! Whoohoo!" But I still feel like crap. But no one cares, because I do the stuff I'm supposed to do. Who cares about the inside?

I can relate so much to that.
I go to work.
I'm awesome at my job.
I 'socialize' like I'm supposed to.
But inside is dark and gooey and icky and sad and shattered and no one knows, no one cares. Thankfully T gets it and she see's the icky and shards and understands. I just wish people in my real life would get it..... they probably never will.

I felt this way in high school and college (and often now, many years later). I was in Honors classes, got really good grades, did extracurricular activities, had friends, yet for much of the time was very depressed. Apparently I did a really good acting job because one of my friends said how I was always smiling...Tried to tell my parents at one point in high school that I was depressed and wanted to see a therapist, and they were basically like, "What do you have to be depressed about?" Which...yeah. So I get it. It sucks.

Crocus-this is what GOOD friends do! They support you, want to see you happy and healthy

I'm all alone. I'm despicable. Even my own mother doesn't care enough to care for me.

Yay - the lawyer just cancelled our appointment for tomorrow morning. 11 am. I just got a WHOLE DAY back. Which is really like two or three days - prep before and recovery after. No, five days - because now those two days aren't wasted. So I can keep going forward forward forward progress progress progress. Instead of falling backward backward backward.

So who is she? An accident of nature. So are we all. My mother had one job and she failed. Well who am I to talk? I didn't even apply for the job. Well - I did "apply"...

I've been wearing contacts since I was 16 (glasses since I was 8). I don't see as well with glasses, even though it's the right prescription. I hate how they move around, I can see the edges, zero peripheral vision, and they give me headache if I wear them for too long.

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My mother admits she never wanted me, thought I was creepy even when I was an infant, and just never cared for me. All photos of me as a baby, except one, are me alone on a bed or a couch while one of my parents held my older sister nearby, or me alone in a crib or playpen with my older sister giving me a bottle through the bars. The one photo of my mother holding me is her holding me away from her body with a kind of weird, cold, almost disgusted look on her face. Would you blame infant me for being despicable? Or as unaluna says, was just my poor fortune that I was born to a mentally ill person?

I can see you Granite. Can you see me?

I have that same picture. Wth! I go with what jerry Seinfeld's mother said - how could anybody not like you?! That's what mothers are supposed to say. Or at least leaning a little more to this side.

We do, for what that is worth. Congrats on doing well in spite of feeling awful. I know how hard that is to do

Moms not liking their children was my problem, it's amazing how many of you had the same thing. I wasn't born a boy, and although my father was never satisfied with us, at least he didn't divorce my mom and move on to wife #6. He told me as a teen that he knew she wasn't capable of taking care of us, so they "stayed together for you kids." Wow, imagine if he'd had that realization before procreation. . .

And they are both gone now so it does no good to visit these thoughts. But I remember all the family photos and it's the same thing, my older siblings with me, dad behind the camera, and mom off to the side looking less than pleased. I guess in the grand scheme of things they realized they weren't the greatest, but really they could have done so much better without having to try much harder!

Ugh, just sent s pathetic email to t.. He had to cancel yesterday because of s stomach bug.. I asked him if he thought he was going to be able to work on Friday... Because I am paranoid he is going to have to cancel my appointment again.

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i feel ya. ive been practically begging my T in the past day for a spot tomorrow morning if she has a cancellation. i feel silly.

People have been using my stuff in the communal laundry. I am going to have throw them away and keep stuf in my unit and carry it down every time.

Saw this and thought of all the people who FB stalk their T.
Annoying Little Things | Bored Panda

I know just what you mean!

Sad memory I have - my mom in the swing outside - dad had just ranted on her with obscenities - she's cry - says, "if it wasn't for you and your brother I would be gone."

Wow. Not sure how to process that even now. Working on it though.

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I just weighed myself and I've gained weight. I've been gaining it for a while now, but now I've reached a weight I told myself I wouldn't get to. I feel like **** and want to throw up.

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Sorry I blubbered all over the cushions. Thanks for listening! (TrailRunner) isn't it amazing what we heard versus what they thought they said?

I've got coconut oil in my hair, wrapped in the sexiest blue plastic grocery bag I could find, and ready to be battered and fried. Oh the things I do for a non-itchy scalp. . .

Do you have a product over there called PolyTar? It works wonders for me makes you smell a little strange though. I only use it maybe twice a year now.