[runlola72]

Has anyone here ever felt hugely angry at their T, for not a very good reason? I am such a passive person, and not likely to express this to him, but I have to let it out somewhere. I am ****ing FURIOUS at him. And the reason? I sent him an email with a link to a newspaper article I was in with my daughter, and he didn't respond. Like, the grown up part of me knows maybe he got busy? Or maybe he was trying to lay some boundaries down because I emailed him RIGHT after session ended, as I had forgotten to show him the article while there. But in the younger part of my mind I've invented this huge story about how he loathes me as a client. I had a *great* session with him the other day, and this anger is really bothering me. Like, after our great session, how can he blow me off? It's 3 days later and still no response. I feel like I hate him, and I want to shove a pie in his face. He's diabetic so that would be really mean...

[kecanoe]

Sure. Been there and done that. For me it helps to identify the feelings behind the anger. I am usually angry because I feel rejected or abandoned. And sometimes it takes very little to trigger me.

[BrazenApogee]

My T did this to me recently and he said he didn't respond because he didn't want to be doing email therapy. He wants everything in the room. Anger is good the therapy he says. I encourage you to express it during the next session.

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by BrazenApogee

My T did this to me recently and he said he didn't respond because he didn't want to be doing email therapy. He wants everything in the room. Anger is good the therapy he says. I encourage you to express it during the next session.

I just don't know if I can be that...uncontrolled in session. Like, I get crazy when I lose my temper, which is very infrequently.

[stopdog]

I have never considered mine to be out of proportion. The therapist has said she thought it was - but I think that was more to minimize her failure than it was about my anger.

I feel my anger equals the damage he has caused me. (I like the pie in the face myself, that doesn't sound bad at all)

[BrazenApogee]

Does expression of anger have to be out of control? Would saying outright "I am angry at you and this is why..." be something you could imagine yourself doing?

You could always threaten to throw the tissues, I do that all the time. The image of throwing tissues from the tissue box one by one in anger always lightens the mood

Originally Posted by runlola72

Has anyone here ever felt hugely angry at their T, for not a very good reason? I am such a passive person, and not likely to express this to him, but I have to let it out somewhere. I am ****ing FURIOUS at him. And the reason? I sent him an email with a link to a newspaper article I was in with my daughter, and he didn't respond. Like, the grown up part of me knows maybe he got busy? Or maybe he was trying to lay some boundaries down because I emailed him RIGHT after session ended, as I had forgotten to show him the article while there. But in the younger part of my mind I've invented this huge story about how he loathes me as a client. I had a *great* session with him the other day, and this anger is really bothering me. Like, after our great session, how can he blow me off? It's 3 days later and still no response. I feel like I hate him, and I want to shove a pie in his face. He's diabetic so that would be really mean...

Yup. More than once. Interesting working through it though

[itjustis]

Oh have I been there. I got angry at T because she didn't reply to a text when I was having an emotional meltdown. I told her I hated her and didn't want to see her again.
I thought she didn't like me anymore and was fed up with me.
Turns out she had friends over from another country and didn't check her phone.
I felt so stupid when we were discussing it at the next session.
Like you, my adult side knew she was probably busy, but my child self was having a major tantrum over it!

Ps - I really laughed out loud about the pie in his face.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I think it's interesting that you view anger as a disproportiate response.

From how I'm hearing this, you had a close, intimate session with your therapist that meant a lot to you.

Then you sent him something important to you, expecting minimal acknowledgement.

Then he doesn't reply, at all - which any reasonable person would perceive as being blown off.

This would be hurtful in any close, intimate relationship.

Certainly worth discussing next session. There is more than likely a reasonable explanation I.e. a missed email or a hectic schedule.

But again IMO, I don't see this as an over-reaction.

[bookgirl667]

Two possibilities spring to my mind:

Your tdoc was busy with other matters in his life and didn't get the chance to read and/or respond to your email.

and/or

Your tdoc prefers to discuss issues in sessions as a boundary-setting thing.

Either way, emotions are what they are and if you are angry you are angry and what ultimately most important is how your tdoc reacts if you choose to bring it up in your next session.

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by BrazenApogee

Does expression of anger have to be out of control? Would saying outright "I am angry at you and this is why..." be something you could imagine yourself doing?

You could always threaten to throw the tissues, I do that all the time. The image of throwing tissues from the tissue box one by one in anger always lightens the mood

This is so funny, thanks for the laugh!

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by FallingFreely

I think it's interesting that you view anger as a disproportiate response.

From how I'm hearing this, you had a close, intimate session with your therapist that meant a lot to you.

Then you sent him something important to you, expecting minimal acknowledgement.

Then he doesn't reply, at all - which any reasonable person would perceive as being blown off.

This would be hurtful in any close, intimate relationship.

Certainly worth discussing next session. There is more than likely a reasonable explanation I.e. a missed email or a hectic schedule.

But again IMO, I don't see this as an over-reaction.

It feels like an overreaction because of how long the anger is lasting, and how consuming it is. I'm not getting stuff done with school because I'm stewing.

[atisketatasket]

I tend to think that your reaction is your reaction. Overreactions are usually a matter of third-party judgment of someone else's reaction.

If you are overreacting, will knowing that help you? It sounds like you would still be angry.

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I tend to think that your reaction is your reaction. Overreactions are usually a matter of third-party judgment of someone else's reaction.

If you are overreacting, will knowing that help you? It sounds like you would still be angry.

Maybe it is just my reaction. I also feel distressed because I feel angry at myself for having reached out, especially immediately after a session. It felt very needy and that behavior in myself disgusts me. So these feelings are all tangled up together, and maybe it's just that the intensity scares me, more than I think it's an overreaction per se.

[HowDoYouFeelMeow?]

Would you get this angry at someone else for the same type of thing?

If not, a good thing may be that you trust your T enough to be angry at him! I'm not good at being angry, but testing it out in insignificant situations with my T has been a useful experience.

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by HowDoYouFeelMeow?

Would you get this angry at someone else for the same type of thing?

If not, a good thing may be that you trust your T enough to be angry at him! I'm not good at being angry, but testing it out in insignificant situations with my T has been a useful experience.

Well, I do get angry at people, but not this angry. Also, there is no way I can express this anger to him. I may be able to tell him I've felt angry, but the actual rage can't come out. I want to buy a punching bag and have at it. I really do feel like a toddler melting down. (Side note: I wonder if on some level I am stuck at that age since that's how old I was when my father abandoned me and my mother, taking my two older brothers with him and moving across the country... leaving us in poverty, on food stamps, in a not-great housing complex... Growing up I saw my father and brother once a year for a few weeks. My dad was excellent at ignoring me, and still is. That's why the transference with T is so strong.)

Originally Posted by runlola72

Maybe it is just my reaction. I also feel distressed because I feel angry at myself for having reached out, especially immediately after a session. It felt very needy and that behavior in myself disgusts me. So these feelings are all tangled up together, and maybe it's just that the intensity scares me, more than I think it's an overreaction per se.

I tend to feel exactly this way after most sessions and I do often act it out (usually send T email after sessions). I felt extremely conflicted about it for a good while but then, especially with my current T, I've come to accept this need of mine and my T welcomes the emails, never suggests that I am doing anything wrong. My formed therapist did and it just made it worse.

Yeah I also do get angry when he does not respond but for me it's very mixed, big part of it is being angry at myself for my lack of inhibition. My former T uses a technique that works with anger directed towards the T from the patient as a tool to resolve old issues. The idea behind is that many people direct suppressed anger towards themselves, undermining their self-esteem and blaming themselves for everything, and acting out the angry feelings in session is supposed to eliminate some of those introjects. He was quite good at provoking those reactions from me towards the end but I was very uncomfortable with them and did not find it helpful, so I left instead. Current T is just calm, very consistent and non-judgmental -- this works much better for me because I can act out at times and it does not lead to conflicts and fights, we discuss it in a rational way instead. But yeah of course I feel frustrated when I don't get what I want in a moment, I think it's a natural reaction. I think when we feel it's an overreaction, it's often a sign of internal conflicts that are good to look at. Not the most pleasant kind of work of course.

[rothfan6]

All the time. Sometimes I feel likes its legitimate (he misses a session) but most of the time I feel like i'm overreacting and its undeserved to T even though I rarely tell him i'm upset with him. I pretty much always feel mad at myself and ashamed later. I just brought this up yesterday with him. He said its ok to tell him what stuff he does that upsets me but that makes me uncomfortable so I havent.

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

I tend to feel exactly this way after most sessions and I do often act it out (usually send T email after sessions). I felt extremely conflicted about it for a good while but then, especially with my current T, I've come to accept this need of mine and my T welcomes the emails, never suggests that I am doing anything wrong. My formed therapist did and it just made it worse.

Yeah I also do get angry when he does not respond but for me it's very mixed, big part of it is being angry at myself for my lack of inhibition. My former T uses a technique that works with anger directed towards the T from the patient as a tool to resolve old issues. The idea behind is that many people direct suppressed anger towards themselves, undermining their self-esteem and blaming themselves for everything, and acting out the angry feelings in session is supposed to eliminate some of those introjects. He was quite good at provoking those reactions from me towards the end but I was very uncomfortable with them and did not find it helpful, so I left instead. Current T is just calm, very consistent and non-judgmental -- this works much better for me because I can act out at times and it does not lead to conflicts and fights, we discuss it in a rational way instead. But yeah of course I feel frustrated when I don't get what I want in a moment, I think it's a natural reaction. I think when we feel it's an overreaction, it's often a sign of internal conflicts that are good to look at. Not the most pleasant kind of work of course.

Thanks for your response X, I will try to bring it up next week. I'll likely minimize it but maybe it's a start anyway. I wonder if I need the kind of therapy your former T used, that you were uncomfortable with. I have such trouble expressing anger, and yes, it does manifest in self-loathing

[runlola72]

I really am a slow learner. Despite being angry, and despite having no response from my other email, I reached out AGAIN, this time with a dream I had a few nights ago. WTF is wrong with me?! Why can't I leave the man alone?? ��

[rothfan6]

Originally Posted by runlola72

I really am a slow learner. Despite being angry, and despite having no response from my other email, I reached out AGAIN, this time with a dream I had a few nights ago. WTF is wrong with me?! Why can't I leave the man alone?? ��

Do you normally have contact with him between sessions? If you do and he's been in contact less then it makes sense that you reached out again. Sometimes when my T is busy i'll post again if I dont get a response hoping my T will answer.