Fathers Day and Paternal Transference

I dread Mothers Day but Fathers Day is way worse. I know that T is a father, and a grandfather, and so I am making a huge effort to not contact him this weekend since it's Fathers Day tomorrow (in the US). I feel like it's family time, and he deserves a break from needy clients. But the fact that I have paternal transference for him makes me sad, and I find myself longing to be held by him: How wonderful it must be to be his child, and feel his nurturing presence and hear his lovely reassuring voice whenever it's needed. Is anyone else struggling in the same way about Father'sDay (or Mothers Day if maternal transference applies?)

I don't even have a concept of father, except in a vile sense, so I don't struggle with Father's Day one bit. There's no longing or sense of missing anything. Mother's Day is harder for some reason.

I had a bad time this mother's day just gone, first since I lost Mum. My 'auntie' called but had nothing nice or helpful to say at all, just talked for about a minute and a half about my brother and my dad, though she did say thanks for the card I sent there was nothing else there. (It wasnt a mothers day card i sent ber but just a card, me trying to reach out to people who might have given a ****) I don't think I was wrong to expect her to ask how I was doing or to say that she thought she would call because I might be having a hard time. She didn't even mention the fact it was mothers day. (I didn't have a good relationship with my Mum but it doesn't mean I wasn't struggling).

Anyway, long story short, when I told old T about this and how it left me feeling like I had been kicked in the face while I was already down she said in her lovely, calm, reassuring voice, "I thought about you on Mother's day" and it was the first time I managed to actually lookher in the eyes and I saw genuine care. I will always remember that, and her, on Mother's day from now on.

Sorry to hear that. I don't have a vile concept of a dad, just a huge longing since it has been a major hole in my life. Seeing movies with dads and daughters renders me a puddle of tears in seconds. I actually feel desperate for male (non-sexual) attention.

How nice that you can internalize that image of your T on Mothers Day. That's really lovely. Also, I want to say that I feel like Father's Day is hardest for me precisely * because * I have no relationship with my dad. I think these holidays are toughest on the kids (big and little) who feel short changed in parental relationships. Like its a reminder that they need to mourn for the relationship they never had.

I certainly do agree, I saw that is what you were saying but I just don't think my family sees that at all. Actually I don't think they see anything. Sorry for the confusion, and sorry this is tough for you, I know how it feels.

I wasn't confused! I was just speaking to your statement about how just because you didn't have a good relationship, doesn't mean you weren't struggling. I just wanted to validate that feeling, and say that I think precisely because you're relationship wasn't good, is why you were struggling even more. ((Hugs))

Yes , a little. I had an emotionally unavailable and neglectful mother so I feel it a bit on Mothers day. I never knew my father , so my T is that quite stable and nurturing male figure for me. Very complex feelings and transference to feel and work with.

I'm thinking about my T too this father's day. The focus tomorrow will be on my husband, and my dad will get a call, but T is quite an important parental figure for me right now so I'm thinking of him too. I wished him happy father's day in my last email to him.

I think my T's willingness to recognize my need and help me through the fear of that need (which was very painful, to be sure), and to embrace the role of a father in my life is his most generous gift to me. I send him a card now to acknowledge the feeling, and I know he appreciates it.

I just want to send my thoughts and gentle hugs to anyone struggling today who wants them. Be kind to yourself today.

yeh- i hate this day

I ended up emailing him regarding a schedule change this summer. I literally have zero self-control. Why could I not just let him have this weekend without butting in with my stupid neediness? So much self-loathing, ugh... This day is so tough.

I have these same feelings with Mother's Day and my old T. Such a rough day. Father's Day is difficult for me as well because both of my parents were horrible. Hate these stupid days as someone else said because it's a painful reminder of what you never had and you have to grieve that even more so on these days.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Yes, I'm struggling today.

Both my parents are abusive. I do feel sad on mother and Father's Day when I see families having fun,loving relationships. I wish I had that too.