Couch 117: Come On In and Set-tee A While

Here I go again. I know I've said this before, but it's late and I don't want to go to bed. Sorry to be a downer. I'm just wanting to get past this.

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When I delay going to bed (as opposed to insomnia), it's because I don't want morning to come and deal with all the stressors of my life. Is it something like that?

I think so. There was a major download into my journal Friday and I've been kind of off since then.

I just really don't like nighttime.

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I'm trying to figure this out right now....

Bah, I went no contact with my sister months ago (not like she noticed...she treated me like one of her many "toilet bowls") but keep getting tempted to unblock her on Facebook just so I can catch a glimpse of her life again.

Then I remember how she'd talk AT me, dump on me, criticise me in overt and subtle ways under the guise of being sistery, insist the parents are loving despite corroborating the regular beatings out of the blue out of nowhere without me even asking anything about childhood...

I've not been single for ten years but I never ever told her because she'd regularly tell me only a special person would love someone as difficult as me. She's homophobic too yeah, blah blah and freaking racist.

Yeah, urge to unblock over.

Gosh what a day. Had T then shopping then saw my GP who wrote a letter about permanet exemption from jury duty. Then I came home to news that the dog threw up on D1 s doona so washed that and made chips for D2. I just want to hide away and process my session but haven't had a chance yet.

((( hug )))

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Hugs! I can only wish that I am a better sister to my younger brother than she was to me.

I really hope him and his new T are a good fit. Private practice clinical psychologists really cost and it looks like he will need at least two or more years of therapy. His new T is skilled in several trauma focused therapies...glad his old psychodynamic T took pains over who to refer him to.

Sorry, just rambling because my few RL acquaintances don't understand how a bright, lovable, good young adult like my brother can feel dead inside and how I feel sad as his sister.

Going to bed. Thank you for being here.

I've been reading and hanging here with this in my ears.. For whoever wants to hear it.

It is a Christian song, not a religious song. Just saying.



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I have a younger brother too. We are not close or connected. Can't really figure that out. He has a completely different idea of growing up than I do. Again. Don't understand.

It's ok to ramble, to me, sometimes that's where the truth comes.

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Your younger brother sounds like my older sister. Like you say, not close or connected, have completely different idea on growing up.

What I don't understand is my sister "had it worse" in some ways and she's been the one that actually unknowingly provided proof for my memories, yet she still insists the parents are loving. *sigh*

Feels so painful for you that your younger brother would deny your reality and experiences! ((Hugs))

Two people I know with severe dissociation from child abuse did tell me that they were the ones singled out for abuse and other sibling(s) were favoured and treated well, so perhaps that's one possibility?

Hi, couch.

I am still awake at 4:20 in the morning. Squirrel, you should go to bed! is roaming in my head, but I am not tired. *sigh*

I sat online and did some of my discussion posts for my masters class. I have one more to do before midnight (AZ time) between Monday and Tuesday to meet the requirements, so I have a little bit of time. We are required to make 10 discussion posts a week, I have 9 done. They have to be substantial as well, so we can't just say "I agree" or "I disagree"; we have to explain "why". That makes since though.

I have an interview tomorrow (errrrr.....today) at 10am. I need to shower before it (figure I will shower about 6am, so my hair has time to dry). I hate using the hair dryer (I don't even own one). The interview is for a special needs teaching position. It would be a nice change from the middle school setting as an assistant.

Dad texted me today while I was at CVS saying he needed help this afternoon with a job and I said I was looking for odd jobs. Had to text back on my break that I was working and couldn't help.

Well, I need to decide whether or not an hour and a half sleep is worth it or not. I may be better just staying up and sleeping when I get home from the interview. Sometimes a little sleep is worse than no sleep.

Hope your interview goes well!

Thanks for sharing this. I'm sorry you've had to deal with this.

I looked at the possible symptoms in the link, and now I'm especially curious about my daughter. She has a language delay (verbal, just behind), was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum (though her developmental pediatrician seemed unsure for a while), and we've been told she has low tone (hypotonia), though she's always moving around, plus some GI issues. I keep feeling like it's something other than ASD (which drives H nuts). I just looked back at some functional labs she had done a few months ago through an integrative doctor, and a few of the results that came up are possible markers for mitochondrial issues (one of the sections she got a high result in is actually called "mitochondrial markers--Krebs cycle metabolites")...at the time, the doc was focusing on the yeast and bacterial overgrowth ones, but maybe I'll send her a message asking about those to see if we should pursue them further...

So, thanks!

I found a supervisor I like today! I'm really over the moon. She's very astute, and values the quality of the relationship which is important to me. She's like 70, but really switched on.
I'm so happy, not least because having never had a mother figure, forming relationships with women, particularly strong, matriarchal types, is a completely new thing to me. I am really hopeful about this.

I'm looking forward to our wedding ceremony which is going to be a full blown pagan hand fasting.
Much of my wife's family is quite sanctimoniously religious ( for example on holidays we must engage in 10 minute flowery graces about leading the world to Christ before we can.eat. I some times hide a roll in my folded hands because meals are always late and I'm usually starving)
I am looking forward to their reactions

So...you know how I needed surgery on my torn rotator cuffs? Well yesterday I lost my balance climbing down off the horse trailer. I didn't hit my shoulder on anything or land on it. I just threw my arm out to steady myself. There was a HUGE popping pain in my left shoulder. I cried it was so bad and I never cry from pain.
Now I can not even lift a half gallon of milk.my left arm is basically use less unless I hold it against my.chest tightly.
I don't know what I did and I really need to wait til winter to have the surgery so I am both in a lot of pain anfveru freaked about what I'm going to do

BB - I hope it is just needing some rest time before you can at least pick stuff up again. That sounds painful and rough.

Thanks. But I suspect it means the surgery we were trying to postpone can no longer be postponed.
When I try to use it it is a nauseating, broken bone sort of pain. And shoulder is visibly swollen. This beyond sucks.

Ouch, BayBrony! I hope things get sorted, it sounds like a bad injury!

My mom had a complete tear of her rotator cuff as well as a tear on her bicep. The surgeon said she was also showing signs of atrophy bc of not using the arm. She waited 5 weeks to get the surgery. If it were me, I wouldn't wait to get the surgery bc of further damage. But, I don't know ur situation.

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My problem Is, I own my own horse veterinary clinic and I'm tbr only vet. I can't shut the practice down during our busiest season, but I also can't work around horses very safely with one functional arm. I can not afford to lose several months of income. We wanted to.at least wait til winter when work.is slower. And maybe I could keep working because its a lighter schedule and if I couldn't at least I wouldn't lose so.much income because we make most of our money in the spring and summer. But now I don't know what will happen.

My t seriously has something going on with a client before me. This is the 3 rd time is a row hes late with her. I m waiting. Hes going iver 20 mins !!!!!

can i just say that insurance companies and drug companies suck they can never give you a direct answer to anything . and are only out to make money for them selves and screw the consumer. thank god i do not work and have the time to spend may hours on the phone investigating the bast way to attain the suplies i need and have coverage for it

bay please dont wait it will not have a good outcome .and if you cant really work anyway ...