What triggered your feelings for your T?

This is how it is for me, too.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yes, to me "seductive" implies an intent to entrap/seduce. Which at least in my situation was not the case, nor was it exclusive to the therapy situation. For example I have had super powerful maternal transference with my massage therapist, my riding coach, and one of my old bosses. Pretty much give me an older female and let me speak one on one with her and I'll develop maternal transference.

If you wanted to call it "conducive to attachment" I'd say yes. Definitely conducive to attachment.

But for me, again, that means "one on one with an older female", which is pretty broad.
And reliant on non-therapy issues.

I believe I could be in therapy with a male, a female more than 20 years older than myself, or younger than myself, and the same therapy situation would not cause transference at all.

Of course,* I *specifically sought out a T in a certain gender and age range ....because well, those are my issues.

Yeah, for sure. I think I can see how 'Seductive' would speak to some people's experiences, particularly if there's erotic transference or sexual feelings involved. That's not been an issue for me, so 'seductive' feels a little weird. But, yes, personal definitions and all that.

I agree that seductive is not an ideal fit in this context. I couldn't think of a better option. I meant seductive in the general sense rather than something illicit.

All very good points. Same for me--I've experienced feelings/attachments that were stronger than the situation really called for in contexts outside of therapy. So when my thoughts sometimes wound obsessively around my T---well, I wasn't proud of it, but It wasn't really a surprise, either. It had happened with people before, usually people of a particular type (like you with older females).

I imagine it must be supremely disturbing to have this happen in therapy if you've never experienced before.

Gotcha. That makes sense.

That's probably true.

I went into therapy DETERMINED to NOT have strong feelings for my T.
My maternal transference had wrecked a very valuable and long standing relationship for me.

All I wanted was help with my newly diagnosed chronic illness.

And I managed for nearly two years.

Then I had a heart attack at 38 and almost died
I decided life was too short to waste with all.my fears and old wounds.

The rest is history....

I had in mind any strong generally positive feelings or desires and certainly attachment needs directed at the T would be in line with that. Dont know if that makes sense.

I think it's hard to do therapy and avoid transference; that is if your therapist is good at what they do AND you're really putting in the effort.

That being said, my T is just my T; nothing less, nothing more. That doesn't mean I don't care about them, what makes them tick, what is going on in their life, etc. It just means the relationship has an expiration date.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

That's exactly why that scene in the movie is so heartbreaking - why it makes you cry as you watch a grown man lose his volleyball. That ball was his lifeline, in a way; it was the only thing that had kept him from losing his sanity, and he had convinced himself that he had a real relationship with the volleyball and it was deep and meaningful to him. He shared all his thoughts and feelings with the volleyball, and the volleyball just "listened" and didn't judge.

I think "emotionally isolated/castaway" is a very suitable term for what a lot of us have felt like over the years, and thus a therapist can easily become our version of that volleyball. I don't see anything seductive about the situation, and have certainly never felt seduced by either of my therapists.

I too like the reference of an 'emotional castaway' and the analogy of the volleyball. The need to connect to other human beings is a powerful driving force of human behavior... whether we are driven to form connections with other human beings or driven to avoid them is often dependent on our early attachment experiences. I can relate to being an 'emotional castaway'. I was driven to connect, because that is necessary for healthy human development, but I was driven to avoid because of early experiences. I was lucky enough to find a volleyball that weathered my attachment angst.

Not all volleyballs are created equal though.

I did not vote in the poll because my experience was different, but I thought worth sharing. I tend to form attachments and emotional reliance pretty easily to mentors. Always have. Teachers, a track coach, an older female friend. My doctor mentors. Idolized, put a pedestal. I don't really know why; my mother was warm and bonded; really an amazing connected mom. Maybe it was because my dad was an alcoholic or maybe it was because I had always as a kid just connected with adults more easily than other kids.

At any rate, though I liked my psychiatrist/therapist a great deal and felt we had a pretty good therapeutic relationship, I never developed major transference or dependence on the relationship. And I think that was directly because of therapy. Learning skills to help me find my own self-reliance versus looking for validation from others. Perhaps her personality too? I don't know as she's been the only one I've had therapy for any length of time from. She was always supportive and kind, but looking back there was maybe a touch of coolness in her approach. That isn't a bad thing. In fact, again, it may have been what prevented transference from developing. Not entirely certain. But in the past year we spaced out therapy sessions as I did not need them as frequently and did just fine without her. She has unfortunately left that practice so our relationship ended and I feel that therapy was helpful and served it's purpose for me.

You can substitute another word if you like, but my point is that therapy naturally lures the client into strong (sometimes intolerable or overpowering) feelings of love, desire, attachment, obsession, etc. And the therapist need not do anything overt or specific to draw these feelings out. The poll, small as it is, seems to confirm that.

I tried to avoid using any loaded words in the poll and initial post (except in the case of blatant, overt seduction by the T, where that word is obviously appropriate).

I have found these topics very difficult to read through because of my own insecurities around my methods of therapy with my T and so I have only dipped in and out and I honestly do not wish to get into debate, I can't, for my own sanity. But I just felt urged to say something.

Even as one who is trying to foster a very close, intimate (horrible word) relationship with my T in the hope that a positive experience will help me in the long run, I can now see what people have been saying about the very nature of therapy itself. I am sure that many people went into the process vulnerable and uninformed and the profession does not explain its methods or success rates as I now feel it should do.

If I was to undergo an operation I would want to make sure I knew as much as I could and that would include how it would be performed and what my chances were, what the possible outcomes were. I guess people may just want the same from the mental health profession and that should be made available where possible. But I do also see that the mind is not as cut and dry as the physical body, we just don't understand it well enough at this point in time. What works for one may not work for another and that is just the nature of the beast. It is hard and it is horrible but it is a fact of life I suppose. Relationships, human tendencies, preferences, tolerances etc are all so vastly different that how is it possible to categorise therapy, to analyse it and make it accountable for its successes and failures? I think it is a game of chance in the end.

But my point is that at the very least THAT should be explained to clients. Enter at your own risk. This may not work for you, etc etc. I also believe that Ts should be closely regulated and that supervision should be mandatory. A high level of training should be required and it should not be as lax as it does seem to be. This is important stuff. Peoples lives are being messed with in ways that are not explained and they have no way of knowing how what they have entered into will affect them. I don't think it is possible to tell people how it will affect them but surely we can explain that, at the very least.

I hope what I have said makes sense. I know I am in this therapy malarky for the long haul and I am willing to accept whatever happens but I am lucky that I consider myself not completely vulnerable and at least able to educate myself on this 'artform', to be able to read up and make up my own mind on what I am entering into. I think I am luckier than some in that respect and I think the profession should do more, for those that are vulnerable and who may not be able, for whatever reasons, to find out what they are getting themselves into before it is too late.

I dont want this to become a contentious debate thread. Was just curious about the poll numbers. Should have stated that. I guess I will close the thread to avoid problems. The thread seems ok as it is now, but probably best. Hope that is ok...

And my point is that none of this applies to my therapy experiences. My private therapist keeps a certain distance between us, despite being warm, caring and compassionate. My situation with her is uncharged, fairly neutral, and has not "naturally" lured me into anything. The distance is small and relatively unnoticeable, but it's there.

With my university therapist there is a completely different situation. I wasn't lured in by her, either; we just had an instant connection, and have thus developed a strong relationship that goes beyond just being client and therapist. And we both know it. If I had not wanted to get myself into such an intimate relationship with a therapist I would have run away immediately, because it was in my face from the very beginning. But I stayed, because I wanted it.

None of my therapists have pretended to be someone they're not, and they have both explained their process and techniques to me, at least enough for me to understand. They have always been honest with me. Also, they are both in supervision. Therefore I have not experienced any of the problems you are referring to.

I am not saying that no one has, because I'm sure many therapists do things they are not aware of, and it will very likely affect their clients, which is unfortunate. However, you have clearly rigged this poll in order to achieve the "desired" outcome, which doesn't produce particularly reliable results. I had to choose the first option because it was the closest I could get to my own experience. I knew very well what you meant by "situation", which is why I have specified what the situation would be in my opinion. My take on it is that every individual relationship is its own unique situation, and thus I have two separate situations with two very different therapists. Both are situations I have understood from the very beginning.

I am not looking to start an argument here, I'm simply attempting explain myself. I can see the point you are trying to make, I just disagree with it. That's all. Why can't we just exchange opinions and experiences on this topic like we do on any other topic?

We can but only if we do it respectfully. "Rigged poll" is an inflammatory expression and a personal attack. When you use inflammatory words you can't expect those you direct them at to engage in the dialogue with you. If you want "just to exchange opinions and experiences" then change your tone from personal and insulting to more objective and neutral. I have to say that I've read many of your posts and it's amazing to me that you keep accusing others of being angry and hostile when your own posts are the most hostile I've ever seen. Those you accuse of hostility have been much more polite with you than you are with them.

Let's not forget that words make up such a small part of all communication. Much can be lost, misread, misinterpreted and skewed when words alone are all we have and a persons tone, posture, body language etc are not taken into account, on all sides. I did not read it as a personal attack, merely a viewpoint, and I also do not see the other side as being in any way 'wrong' either. I probably shouldn't get involved but there, I just did. Sorry.

I am fine continuing the discussion, but I don't want to be responsible for starting a thread that turns ugly and gets shut down. I tried my best to not say a single inflammatory or divisive word. Didn't matter. It's off the rails anyway. Game over.

Closed at the request of the OP