Thursday's session was Soooooooo excellent. We connected! honest and for true connected. He "got" a bunch of stuff i have been trying to explain for a while... because it came up in the moment and he got it. He understood that i need to be told directly and exactly how he sees things. i need more frequent feedback and be told literal things that most people would not. It was just the best.. i felt so rewarded.

Today was not as exciting, but it was also good. We continued the conversation and talked about other things too. He said the best thing... when i said i felt a better connection last time he said he felt it too.

We talked a lot about my last T and how he made a number of damaging mistakes with me... and other experiences which have lead me to be dubious of him.

But the thing that grabbed my attention was this.... it seems that i am bothered deeply by him giving me positive feedback for things i have done well with. He wanted to dig into that and it makes me very nervous. i told him that when he says i did well with a situation, i instantly feel like i really shouldn't be in therapy, that i should just suck it up and manage on my own.

i have a really hard time allowing myself to have help and if he says i managed something then i feel like he is saying i don't need to be there... and then of course it gets even worse, it becomes "go away"

he has told me directly now that he is not going to ditch me and that i don't have to leave until i decide i am ok to do so. i don't believe deeply in that, but at least he knows he has to tell me that.

it felt really comfortable with him today... but i am hestitant. i have no idea of what to do or talk about when i am not in major crisis. i don't have a completely solid sense that he understands the parameters i have been trying to spell out... he can cross them as he pleases, as long as he is aware of them and reacts to me accordingly.... meaning that crossing a certain line would mean he would need to let me know he doesn't hate me for example.

he told me not to dwell on him not wanting me there, or that i am exaggerating or needing to just suck it up... he told me not to... but i am anyway.

[WinterRose]

Hurray for Thursday! That sounds like it was a real treat. I don't know if it's possible to connect like that all the time with anyone though. So today doesn't have to be a down thing.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i instantly feel like i really shouldn't be in therapy, that i should just suck it up and manage on my own.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I can really relate to this. When I feel well, I think - why do I need to be here - what am I doing. Then whack, something happens, so I guess it's good to keep going - good doesn't mean everything's been covered yet - sometimes it's just a respite, I guess. Does it make you feel guilty for being there?

I really love what you're trying to work out about boundaries. If you can get more concrete on that, I think you might help your T understand what you mean. Usually with me, it's the pdoc or T making the boundaries, not me. What an idea, that I could have boundaries too - thanks for sharing that.

[sunrise]

So glad to hear you are communicating better and really connecting, gerber. Awesome!

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i told him that when he says i did well with a situation, i instantly feel like i really shouldn't be in therapy

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Oh yeah, I know that feeling. Very early on in therapy, my T told me that I am better than 90% of the people who walk through his door, and I immediately felt threatened, like he didn't think I needed to be there, and that I should give up my place on his client list to someone more needy. It took me a long time to be able to ask him about this, and I needed reassurance on it several times. It turns out what he meant was not that I didn't need his help, but that from the start I was very honest with him, very direct, and it was a joy to communicate like that with me right off the bat, instead of having to work a long time in therapy to achieve that honesty and directness. Yeah, that made me feel better, but in times of doubt, I would return to that "better than 90%" comment and get insecure again. (Note to T: do not tell a client they are better off than most of your other clients...)

Anyway, gerber, I am so happy for you that therapy is going so well and your T is learning what you need from him. He sounds very empathetic and interested in helping you.