making a better connection

I am trying to make a better connection with my T. I have a good intellectual connection but we don't have a good emotional bond yet. I am not sure how to go about making or strengthening that connection. I write letters to him periodically, and we talk about what I feel works and what doesn't, when he gets it dead on and when it's nowhere close. I have emphasized that I feel we will only make superficial progress if we cannot access that emotional connection.

I'm not sure what to do. I know he wants to connect to me and I thikn he is trying. Please don't tell me it's a matter of time, that much I already know, I want to know what I can do to help it along. We "click" in so many ways that I am surprised I don't have the connection already as I generally get attached quickly to people that I click with and who show interest in me. I don't understand what is impeding this.

Hi gerber, that is a great goal, to make a better connection with your T. How long have you been seeing him? Does your T feel there is something lacking in your relationship or does he think it is proceeding a-pace? That's great you are talking about this with him.

I've had two therapists. With the first, I had no emotional connection, but I didn't know I was supposed to. I terminated with her when I had exhausted her skill set. With my second (and current T), I had an immediate emotional connection. It was very powerful. I think back to those first few sessions in amazement--I didn't know what hit me. So from my experience, the emotional connection was either there or it wasn't. With my current T, we have continued to build the relationship. What helps is sharing of emotional and difficult things, seeing him handle it and react with empathy, gaining trust, and really internalizing his strong desire to accompany and guide me along my healing journey. It is one thing to say rationally, yes, I know he wants to help me, but quite another thing to know that with every cell in my body. That has taken a while.

It is good to know that you click and it is also good to know that you would like to have more of an emotional connection.

Might any of your disconnect in emotional connection have to do with any of your ... barriers in therapy? Are some of the topics things that make you uncomfortable and put up barriers and are you working on those now? How long have you been in therapy with this person?

well, as in all things, there are no direct answers. I have only been with him a few months, and with another T for several months before that. T#1 is part of the problem. WHen I met him I was in a very bad place emotionally, mentally and situationally. I became attached to him in nanoseconds because I was drowning. If I hadn't found him I would be dead by now and I am certain of that. But in many ways he was not the right T for me and that along with other unavoidable circumstances ended that relationship. T#2 then entered the picture. By then things were not so desparate and I was back in my nice little walls. I was still very attached to T#1 as well.

i would think he would tell you that he feels the relationship is coming along just fine, and that he is not expecting too much too soon. I think he would also tell you he is interested (concerned?) about how I perceive the relationship progress. He knows I am very preoccupied with certain aspects and I feel stuck or blocked there. I think he isn't sure what it is I want and I can't seem to explain.

The relationship felt better, more secure and more like it was progressing before he left for three weeks. During that time there was some drama in my life that severed a lot of connections for me. Since then I find myself unable to feel my way back. It's like I switched gears in his absence and I honestly feel something changed in me. I am very worried that what could have been a good relationship has been lost.

I sit to write him letters, something I had been doing a lot of, and nothing comes out. He's not inside the walls, he's just some guy out there. I seem to have more to say to you right now than to him.

A few months. I know that doesn't sound like a long time, but I am really trying.. and I felt it was coming and now it's gone.

Everything we talk about is uncomfortable in many ways. My life is a mess. But I answer anything he asks, even when I'd rather not. I tell him when it's hard if it isn't obvious. I am sure I have barriers as well.

One thing you have made me remember is that I was nervous early on when I considered that this guy seemed so competent (sp?) and that maybe he'd do what he set out to do... so it was time to put up or shut up. It scared me to think of allowing him access to me inside my little walled city. Having said that, I have been trying as much as I know how to make that connection anyway.

It sounds to me like you have alot of feelings percolating within you and you have much much much to discuss.

I think that you may get more responses (even from me tomorrow... time for bed..) but you are still quite early in the therapeutic process and alot of what you say are things that I felt and many others here will concur.

You might even consider taking what you just wrote into therapy or break it down as you write to him or journal as you have much going on... as far as I can tell...an awful lot of loss right now. Maybe hard to express feelings about just losses??

Therapy is often uncomfortable I think.... though I have experienced both with 2 different pdocs.

Well when your life is a mess... then it is often difficult to share that stuff particularly when you are still in a new therapeutic relationship. When you are sharing your soul it is just difficult, particularly when you are with a T you are still getting to know.

What might you share without him asking you?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
One thing you have made me remember is that I was nervous early on when I considered that this guy seemed so competent (sp?) and that maybe he'd do what he set out to do... so it was time to put up or shut up. It scared me to think of allowing him access to me inside my little walled city. Having said that, I have been trying as much as I know how to make that connection anyway.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Believe ME... I know this feeling and perhaps you are not ready to put up..It does take time, trust, bonding. Work on the barriers.... both of you and perhaps you will feel more up to move forward. I know this is scarey...but what therapy is all about.

Yes...easier to say than do.. I know this but good luck. Think of this as you go to sleep tonight and see what you come up with over night or what dreams may come to you.

haha my dreams are completely untrustworthy. i am a sleep-walker-talker and i have vivid dreams. They are always random stuff. i think for most people dreams can contain hints and clues, but i honestly think that for someone like me it's a wild goose chase. Meds don't help either. Up a med, down a med and your dreams will go hog wild.

anyway. I have my session today and i don't feel anything about it. Not excited, fearful, happy, sad .... nothing. It could as well be a dentist appt. Nah..i like him better than my dentist i guess. i have no thoughts tugging at me like before.. no feelings. Bleh.

we'll see. One thing is that i am exhausted from working now. i work a lot of long hours and i just am too tired to think. My life really is a mess but i just don't care you know?

hmmm.... i think in a way i am disconnecting from a LOT of things.

thanks for responding

Time to plug yourself back in.

Therapy is MUCH better than the dentist (and that noise) any day.

Maybe going to the pdoc when you are fresher might assist you but good luck today.

something big happened. i can't explain it all, but we made a good connection. The things is i was able to very clearly and directly say what i needed and we talked about it.. and he got it. That connected with me better than anything. i think we are going to be able to build a strong relationship.