Giving up, not giving in.

Next week is the last week before the 6 week long summer break *tears*

Its having all sorts of effects on me, which at first I refuse to believe are connected to the upcoming break, that way I dont have to look at it.

So all this week I've had my adoptive mothers voice in my head telling "my story" how perfect she is, and how imperfect my birth mother was. How I am not the daughter she would have given birth too and on and on.

I even hate the word ADOPTION now it holds such painful memorys for me.

I walked into T yesterday and immediately broke down with anger and god knows what else. I told T that I wish I'd never started coming. She asked why? Then I said all I have is my adoptive mothers voice in my head doing on and on.

I had to sit bent over tearing at my forehead wiht snot and tears dripping onto her sofa.

I said I am so stuck in someplace inside my mind at the moment, that I can hear the outside world, but dont know how to get back to it.

T said, what I think your saying is, how do I get back to a world where I am not adopted.

I knew that was right, I felt it inside, then more tears came as I remembered how hard it was for me as a 5yr old to have to sit and listen to this crap and not able to comfort myself or even believe comfort existed.

After most of the session sat in this position and crying, I finally sat back, threw the tissue into T's bin in a resigned mannor and felt like I'd surrendered, given up fighting. I ask T if thats what i'm doing there, trying to get her to take me back to a world where I am not adopted? T said, yes your wanting me to fix it for you.

T taking her break to me was telling me I am not hers, it triggered all this stuff of. I read somewhere today that to give in means you finally accept the moment. I'd always thought to give in meant to loose something, it doesnn't I can see that now.

I think I'd been fighting the fact that T is taking her normal break and that was preventing me from being able to "use" my memorys of her.

I went for a drive this morning, and the sun was out, the trees lovely and green and I had memorys of the different times I've spent with T and everything felt GOOD!

I understood then what missing someone is really about, it is our only connection to them when they are not insght and its part of the relationship, to miss them, to think fondly of them, to carry them with you.

I saw how I'd never really had that before or not been able to trust anyone enought to do that. Just thinking about her this morning filled me up.

Hello (((MOUSE))). It is good that you are progressing (even though it seems very painful at times) pain sometimes is the past reconnecting emotions that have been lost due to trauma or other displacing events that occur in life, even though it sems rather traumatic to feel and live through the reconnecting processes. Things do get better with time. Take care of yourself (((MOUSE))). Have a better weekend. Soidhonia

((( mouse )))

I can imagine T's upcoming break triggeing so much for you.

It's hard. And I think you're so courageous. I'm glad you have her to comfort you now when you don't want her to leave you.

ECHOES

((Mouse))

I love this post. It is so insightful. I do the same thing with breaks from T--I anticipate them and have a hard time connecting because of the anticipation of the break!!

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I went for a drive this morning, and the sun was out, the trees lovely and green and I had memorys of the different times I've spent with T and everything felt GOOD!

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Yay!!!!!!!!! Object constancy......something I have been working on.

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I understood then what missing someone is really about, it is our only connection to them when they are not insght and its part of the relationship, to miss them, to think fondly of them, to carry them with you.

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This is an awesome insight. I never thought about it like this, but of course you are right. So interesting, the missing becomes a way to hold them close to us.

Thanks for this post. I got a lot from it!!!!!

And good luck with the long break. Sounds like you are ready to handle it.