[retro_chic]

So my session tonight didn't go too well. I completely shut down. I told T how I'd been thinking about our previous session and that I think part of the reason I felt upset was because there was a client before me and I was worried she liked them more than me plus I was already worried about what she would think about the dream I told her about. We talked about all that a bit and then T asked me if I had any more thoughts on the dream we discussed before. It was at this point I kind of shut down and T asked what was going on for me. I told her I had actually had another dream about her since our last session but I didn't want to talk about it. I couldn't explain why but I just didn't want to talk about anything at that point.

T said it is like I'm in a little cave and slowly over a few weeks I approach the entrance but then something scares me and I retreat. We talked about what was stopping me from engaging in therapy. I felt sad that T doesn't think I'm engaging because I'm really trying to. I think it was around this point that T ran out of ways to get me to open up and she said that it is kind of up to me what we do for the rest of the session. I felt very upset and on the verge of tears at this point and somehow T managed to continue talking until the end of the session so we didn't end up in silence.

I feel even more worried that T doesn't like me after this session. I think I kind of see T as an idealised mother but when I don't feel connected I feel really disappointed and kind of exasperated/annoyed (similar to how I feel towards my actual mother when she tries to get me to open up).

[retro_chic]

This is going to sound stupid but I'm going to say it anyway. It seems like no one here is really interested in replying to my threads anymore. I know my issues are pretty trivial compared to other people's but I'd still like some support.

[Waterbear]

It doesn't sound stupid retro, and I will reply in full in a minute but I think you are strong for asking for support when you need it. When no one replies to my posts I delete them and hope the horrid feeling goes away. I wish I could be more like you in that respect. Please await my response and in the meantime, count the number of hugs you got. Even if people don't have the words, the hugs show they care.

[ABeautifulLie]

retro your issues aren't trivial. I feel anyone's issues here, no matter how big or small they may seem, still matter since they affect you and your feelings which are important since you matter. I don't often reply to people since I have only been in therapy for two months so I don't really have too much experience with it.
Have you told your T about these feelings of disappointment along with the other feelings you mentioned? If you haven't maybe you should bring it up to your T in your next session. I'm sorry you're upset about this. Hopefully this gets resolved soon and you begin to feel better.

[Waterbear]

I had a session a bit like yours last week and I know it really does take it toll. This is one of the reasons I could not reply when I initially read your post. I too feel like I am in a little cave as your T describes and I don't think that is too uncommon for people. I want my T to come in the cave with me, or at the very least to stand at the doorway.

I have a terrible memory I am afraid and I can't remember how you and your T work together but I know for me the use of play helps to build the connection between us in an informal way, like on Tuesday we played with the marble run together. There was no 'real' therapy at all. Just building the relationship which is what it sounds like to me that you need. I used to hate that word too but I see it as important now.

My T also encourages working in whatever way helps me to open up, whether that is drawing or writing, reading out my writing, showing her my journal or whatever it is. I used to shut down a lot more than I do now and one thing that helped is that I bought a bear and that now lives with T. When she can see that it is getting hard she offers me the bear and in some way even the offering helps because it shows me that she can see that this is hard and that she wants to help. She also asks if she can move closer and she has held my hands a few times, even once I managed to ask her to hold my hand while she read my poem.

All I am getting at is that opening up is hard to do if you are not used to it. I got frustrated again today because it is so hard for me too and my T said that when you have no experience of saying words like this in front of someone it is going to be hard and may take time.

We have just spent three sessions trying to rebuild the connection that was lost last week, and that is work in itself. I told my T I didn't feel she was there with me when I needed her. It is so hard to say these things and sometimes they need to be written and spoken or just written and shown, but only by being brave and telling her how things really are for you will tiu get the outcome that you want.

Nothing I have seen you post gives me any indication that your T is fed up with you but I can so understand that feeling, I really can. If you want advice then maybe just give yourself time, however hard that is. Ask your T directly, because that is the only way you are going to get an answer. Think of things that will help you and see if you can implement these into your therapy. It has made such a difference not only in my therapy but in my life as a whole. There is a long way to go and it is going to take time but it is possible, little by little, one step at a time.

If you don't want advice then I apologise for the above, ignore it all and trust me that I hear you, you are not alone. It is hard, tough, impossible, frustrating and heartbreaking when you don't feel that connection. I am sorry you are struggling.

[retro_chic]

Thank you both for your replies!

I have spoken to T about these feelings a number of times and it usually helps unless I have completely shut down and given up on the session (like yesterday) then nothing really helps.

I don't think T would be willing to hold my hand or anything like that as I asked about hugging once and T said she can't hug me because of ethics/boundaries. Maybe I could bring a stuffed animal though. I don't think I'd be able to leave it at T's office since it is a shared office but maybe I could get a small one that fits in my bag?

Thanks for your advice Waterbear, I am always interested in hearing what helps others!

[unaluna]

Yeah i need words to work with, sorry!

I think it's better to let things out slowly, to let the closeness and relationship evolve naturally. You don't want to be flooded and lose all your defenses at once. So it's all good.

When I shut down in a really bad way, I ask my T to talk about his dog or something. That helps get back to talking.

[teresa2064]

I guess we cant expect ourselves to figure things out quickly. I'm figuring I'm not the only one who obsesses over what people think of me. Its a big step opening up to someone you don't know, especially if it is opening up to people you do.

[Waterbear]

Does your T work relationally, as in, do you talk about the relationship between you? Just wondering because it is that which has been the biggest help to me. Only through that relationship will I be able to slowly emerge from the cave.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

Does your T work relationally, as in, do you talk about the relationship between you? Just wondering because it is that which has been the biggest help to me. Only through that relationship will I be able to slowly emerge from the cave.

Yes, T and I talk a lot about the relationship between us. I do find it helpful but I still have these times where I shut down and want T to leave me alone... I guess it is just all part of the journey.