Realising that your t is human

I think the problem is in the staging of the relationship. The therapist is assigned a role that is impossible to live up to. If they show weakness and confess this or that, they are attacked as unethical maniacs. If they are detached and robotic, they are of no use. And we clients are complicit too, believing in the myth that therapists are different in some way from anyone else. People want and expect authenticity from therapists… but not too much.

Seems to me both therapist and client are getting therapy at every single session, it's just a matter of proportions. When the balance shifts past some threshold, it suddenly feels wrong. My last therapist made a bunch of weepy confessions at the end, and it was like I was giving her therapy. But this wasn't a sudden role reversal. It was just a larger shift than anything previously. This was also her real self. Her prior behavior was an act and a contrivance.

Just some thoughts and generalizations...

I'm not sure your T's actions at the end of your last therapy was her suddenly showing you her "true" self. I can't say what happened in your therapy, but I think good therapists are performing "acts of contrivance" just because they are not spilling all of their emotions with you in the therapy room. Just like I don't take out my emotions on my children. I am getting paid to act professionally, and part of that is "hiding" the parts that aren't suited for my work. Same with therapists and every other professional human being out there.

Of course the relationship is different because one person (the client) is spilling their guts to the therapist, and the therapist, not so much. I know their are opinions that they are all fake or trying to manipulate emotions (if my T is trying to do that, she fails miserably at it), but I think it is a matter of perception.

Mona, I went back and read some old threads you started about this T, and it ALWAYS has been filled with strife and confusion and pain on your part. I know you are attached, and she has helped you in some ways, but in all the other ways she's hurt you is just not okay.

I can relate to a lot of what you said! People do expect authenticity from their ts but when is too much. Does it vary from t to client or session to session. When ts are too authentic it feels as though they are crossing our boundaries and wing evasive?
I do think that therapists have a hard time integrating their jobs to their real self. They are destined to fail or disappoint because the expectations are unrealistic.

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Thank you Velcro my threads about t have always been about a rupture or something she said that hurt me. I realise our relationship hasn't always been full of roses. It's been tough. Her actions hurt me a lot. I always wonder why she does certain things. I saw her today and again I am confused. I feel hopeless again and wonder of therapy is helping or ever really helped me. We talked about my ex t and about my feelings for her. I had hoped to talk about last week with her but she insisted on not talking about that. My t asked why I fell in love with ex t. I think she wanted me to disclose my feelings for her again. I came away feeling hopeless and confused about our relationship again. She said she doesn't need me to take care of her

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I'm curious Mona. Do you feel you are making any therapeutic process with this T? If not, do you think it's fair that she charges you by the hour?

I would be lying if I said we were doing the work every week because we don't. I think my biggest progress has been finding my voice with her and in learning to tolerate my own painful emotions. There have been a few questionable sessions were I feel I shouldn't have been charged, actually there haven more than a few but I bet everyone has sessions like that.

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I had one session where I felt that way; it was after a rupture where he had made an error and we were trying to repair the relationship. I was angry and at the end I thought "why am I paying you for this?" But that was once in 19 months of weekly therapy. I wouldn't like to think I would pay to be regularly mocked, shamed and now burdened. But I know it's hard to walk away. It was hard to walk away from T1. But when you do make that break, it will be the best decision you ever made and we'll be here for you

I don't know why but I think the realisation that our relationship isn't as equal as I though is really depressing me tonight or what this feeling is but since my session I have felt really hopeless. Her intention wasn't to mock me but I perceived it as that. Thank you for your support Echoes it really means a lot right now. I am feeling very vulnerable and fragile around therapy

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I didn't mean the mocking about this, but previous instances where you have mentioned she mocked you. I do wish you relief because this sounds so painful for you and no client should ever be dumped on in this way by their therapist.

She has mocked me in the past which led to ruptures, she explained why she mocked me, I am not convinced about this technique and its effectiveness.
I feel confused about my relationship with t. I you ever miss your ex t?

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I can totally relate, I envision my Therapist's daily commute to work involves riding a winged horse down from Mount Olympus

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Of course. To this day. But I know how important it was to me to leave him. For the first year I missed him intensely. I thought the pain would never lessen, but it did.
I still have the occasional urge to contact him and the occasional feeling that I'd like to bump into him (he only lives 6 miles away and this is a rural area so this is quite possible). But I can see the pain he caused and I know that I have a very good therapeutic relationship now. I don't want him as a friend now which shows the attachment has lessened.
I am no longer protective though and that took a year to go away so it's a long road I think. I still Google him occasionally though I find talking to T about it is useful.

Umm...no, i don't think so. I have had various emotions around the end of sessions, but i have never felt like I wasn't getting therapy, hence the paying her part.

I didn't find talking about ex t with current t useful it stirred up some very deep emotions today and I feel very bad today!

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I am sorry, Mona! It sounds so painful! Is there any way you could find a therapist in another city? I saw where you said everyone knows your therapist around you. Maybe you could go somewhere else and not give any identifying details of her so you could speak freely about your experiences, even just to have some different therapist's perspective?

I think I will have to go to the next county, thanks for the suggestion Pennster. Would be great to have an outsiders view.

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Trust me i was there, this was the most real she got. Much of the rest was performance. I think she was seeking some sort of intimacy from therapy and when she got it the facade came down. The anguish for me was that this authenticity is what I needed, not a staged codependent role play relationship. But I was expected to suffer through the latter despite no evidence or logic to support it.

It's a torment, giving the client this taste of intimacy, but always keeping them at arm's length and ultimately frustrating primary needs in favor of the highly dubious "work" of therapy.

I wonder whether Mona felt something similar: "a new side to her, a vulnerability and although it was out of the blue and unexpected it was welcome by me".

Yes, I felt something similar. I did see her vulnerability. She is lonely and in pain. Two things I can really relate to. It is highly unusual for her to be vulnerable let alone show any feelings. I felt it was the most real she had been with me. I felt this week she pulled back and wasn't willing to acknowledge her vulnerability. Which is sad but I can also relate to that feeling of needing to keep it under wraps.


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