Realising that your t is human

Have you ever thought of your t as a super human who has all of their s*** together. On some level of course I knew my t is a human but I never though of her as having her own issues. I naively thought that she would have it all worked out. She is in her sixties. Well this week really threw my theory of her put the window, she was very vulnerable and disclosed a lot of stuff that is going on in her personal life. I seen her as someone different. It scared me because she has always been so strong and tough. In fact some of you in here would say she is too tough so when she broke down I actually could not believe it. It was as if I seen a new side to her, a vulnerability and although it was out of the blue and unexpected it was welcome by me but I still think of her as not human. Can anyone relate or am I just talking nonsense here!

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From what you have said about your T before, Mona, I think she has shown signs of vulnerability before, in that the way she has shamed you and mocked you would seem to me to be the actions of a very insecure person.
I'm sorry you are feeling so burdened with your T's personal problems. It is very hard to shoulder that burden, and very untherapeutic. It reminds me of some of my experiences with T1.
I'm hoping things improve for you in therapy soon because you deserve a good therapeutic experience.

Thank you Echoes. I am sorry you had a similar experience with your t1. It sounded like a very painful and untherapuetic experience too. I need my t to be strong, she has often spoke of crying but it is something I could never imagine until I seen her this week. It was a very sad experience to see her in so much pain. I wonder how I couldn't have seen any of this happening, there were signs. I chose to ignore them. Maybe this will strengthen our relationship but who knows. It's a lot to keep to myself and I didn't want to start a thread because I felt this would be betraying her but I have to talk about it.

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red flag...red flag...red flag...

Your T always gives me red flags, when you post about her. But, breaking down in YOUR therapy and disclosing what sounds like some awful personal stuff is SO.WRONG. Ugh.

Monalisa, I've had a really bad T experience and am a walking text book on the red flags.

The things that would worry me about what you describe are her behaviour and your reaction. She has made YOUR therapy about HER, and now YOU are trying to reshape what she is doing to make it about YOU again to save the relationship and somehow keep it as therapeutic for you.

Your sense that you are betraying her by talking about it is a clear signal that this is no longer about you and your needs and something not-great is going on here. I am really sorry for you that you are going through this. It's a completely awful place to be.

And I'm afraid that the very person who SHOULD be there to help you sort through it, make healthy and strong decisions about what to do next and protect yourself, is no longer available to you in that capacity.

Can you get another opinion from another T?

Thank you Velcro, a lot of people see red flags with my t and get triggered by my posts on her. She is like marmite, you either love or hate her.
I kinda understand why she has been so tough on me lately. I thought it was counter transference but not sure what kind or where it was coming from, I understand it more now. I wonder about my ts mental health sometimes. I honestly think she is in the middle of a breakdown right now!
That's the bit I am confused about, she obviously trusted me enough to do that but I wonder why now?

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I just don't think you are really in 'therapy' Mona, I think you are in a relationship with another person and if you are getting something out of it then I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with that, as long as you have got your wits about you because I also see a lot if pain and hurt in your posts, though I could be misreading that. I do sometimes wonder if actually getting another T for your own therapy would be beneficial to you, whilst keeping this relationshi if that is what you choose.

Like a lot of other posters I usually post about the negative and the ruptures in my therapy. There have bernal me really great moments with t and there have been some really horrible moments. From what anyone posts here we come to our own conclusions and of course we are entitled to surmise and interpret others therapy, it's our right! No one can say what works and what doesn't. I am in therapy but this week it wasn't my work but hers, this is wrong but I think because I am a t too that I could handle this breakdown of hers. I can but it is confusing and hurtful for me because I realise that we can never be friends!

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Thanks, I hear what you say that mainly people post the hard bits. I guess that just depends on what our views if therapy are!! If my T brought her 'work' then I wouldnt be able to think that it was therapy for me. I think she ought to be paying me rather than me paying her. I can certainly understand why it would be confusing for you.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this Mona. . It doesn't sound as if your T is fit to practice at present. I think T's are human ( some might disagree ! ). I hope your T gets the help she needs , but you also need things - and we can't be our therapists therapists. What do you think you might do now - is it time to look for a new T ? Self care for you too

I don't think she is in a good place from the way she acted and what she said. I will have to talk with her more about it this week to see what she says. I think she will bring it up. I am thinking of changing ts and as I say that I get very sad because I don't want to. I love my t, she hasn't always been kind or helpful but she has always been there for me like no one else. I don't want to but I know I have to eventually entertain the idea of getting a new t! Thank you out there

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I think it would be a very good thing for you to change Ts. Both as a client and as a practitioner. Your cognitive dissonance about starting a thread shows you need a safe space to process what is happening here. Being a T doesn't mean you are capable of dealing with her stuff. I am trainee and I know my T would never, ever burden me with his stuff, now or in the future.
I can't tell you what a difference finding T2 made to my wellbeing, Mona. If I had stayed with T1 I am sure I would be a poorer therapist for it. (I don't mean to say I think you are anything less than a wonderful therapist, only that having a healthy therapeutic alliance as a client can only improve your own emotional wellbeing, and inevitably your practice too).

Mona I just wanted to say sorry because I was not very supportive or sympathetic in my response to your posts. I don't suppose you started this thread in order to be judged or 'slammed' and this is what I feel I have done so I am sorry. It just hits a nerve I think, for the reasons I put and those which I have spoken before.

I am sorry that you saw that side of your T and that it threw all you thought you knew out of the window. It can be very hard to think you know someone and then realise that they weren't quite what they appeared. I have spent most of my life believing that every other person I meet in the real world has got everything sorted, has had a fairly easy life and knows who they are and what they are doing Is this naive as you say, yes maybe, but it is hard to see anything but when this is all you see of them. Only now as I am starting to actually introduce people in to my life am I realising that this is not true and it actually helps me feel more settled in some respects, knowing that I am not alone. Maybe you can take something positive out of what must be a very hard and confusing situation for you. I hope that you do talk this through with her when you next meet because it sounds like you want to.

Again, I am sorry for my little outburst and I wish you well.

You couldn't have seen any of this happening because you weren't supposed to see any of this happening. You being a t has no bearing on this.

Not gonna sugar coat this -- Your t has just unfairly forced you into a major mind f##k trap and there is no turning back. Human or not, your t should never have put this on you. She brought you in too deep. The two of you are now entangled. Entanglement, as you know, is not therapeutic or healthy for you. It isn't healthy for your t either.

That said, know that it is very possible to get out of the predicament you are currently in, in time. Meaning, it is possible to successfully "un-entangle" without termination. Only once the relationship becomes healthy for the both of you can the relationship ultimately strengthen.

I feel like you've said this a few other times. It doesn't make it right or any better.

In answer to your question, no. I have not thought of my therapist as super human in the way of having it all together. I don't think anyone exists like that, and if they do, I don't want them as a therapist. I want one who has it together in the therapy room, and so far, mine has been great at that. It's more like her superhero power is being human while also being a good therapist and not falling apart in front of me or taking her issues out on me.

It would be very hard to see my therapist break down over personal issues, but it would not be a jarring thing to find out that she can be hurt or suffers. It would just be hard to see and would make my own therapy impossible. I have had one that liked to talk about her much worse problems, and that was bad enough.

You're not talking nonsense at all, but what you describe as not being super human is more like a therapist who isn't doing her job and needs time off.

My husband is a therapist who his clients think is perfect. Since I know him, I never had the fantasy that a T was a perfect person. my first therapist i did think was pretty awesome, until she started treating me badly and then did some awful things. this t, i never thought of her as perect, because she is very real and very human with me. she has struggles and a lot of tough things going on in her life. she hasnt ever hid that from me.

I had a whopper of a therapy session recently. I was going in there wanting a note I required for something I'm trying (i'm being vague on purpose) and she railroaded it brutally and it wasn't like I was gonna change my direction because of her opinion, I just needed something from her for my checklist. She ended up giving me an email saying she supported me, however in the actual session it was brutal.. and when I reflect it became off topic for why I was there. I guess everyone does have bad days ... even them.

Sadly nobody is perfect and I don't believe anyone has 100% of their act together. But there is a difference - in my book - between being fallible and being immoral-unethical or harming another.

There is an element of respect, dignity and moral values humans ought to have when interacting with one another.

Thus, the former I might forgive in a therapist (or human being), the latter would be a deal-breaker.

What are you learning about ethical boundaries from this T? Is this how you want to treat your own clients?

Thank you for your post Longing, you have a good grasp of the situation and how difficult it is because she is the one person who should be there for me. I can't really consult another t because she is very well known in my county and most ts know her professionally or personally. So I am alone with this.


I thought that after our last session. I felt like I was the t. I wanted to reach out and hug her but we have never hugged so I didnt want to cross her boundaries. It was awkward because I wasnt sure which role I was supposed to be in.

Thank you Out There
I have been considering lately leaving t and suggesting a friendship between us. I couldnt get rid if her out of my life altogether, just yet anyway. SHe really is the only support I have besides this forum. She is struggling at the moment and I agree she should not be practising if she is that easily triggered. I have an ethical duty to repport any ts whom I don't think are fit to practice or whom I feel are harming the profession or undermining it but since we belong to different accrediting bodies I dont feel it would be appropriate, I will ask her if she feels she should take a break from clients at the moment before I consider going further about it.
I need my t to be there for me like I have been for her over the last year. I am too loyal to my t and would never betray her so this is a very hard situation for me. There have been times where she could have reported me because I wasnt fit for practice but I took time off myself. I knew I was suffering from vicarious retraumatisation, I could feel all of my clients pain and was really suffering. My t was very kind to me at this stage and really got me through it. I feel a duty to her to be there for her too.

I agree but I think my experience with therapy as a whole has been toxic and there is no going back from here. Every one of my therapists have crossed my boundaries and self disclosed. This is my fifth therapist. Thankfully, I have a very good supervisor who has been a saviour this year. He is kind compassionate and very understanding. He has held me when I felt that therapy is Bu******. He has encouraged me to keep going with my training. He listen when I feel so hurt by it all and feel I have nothing to offer clients, he makes me see that I do because I have had such awful experiences with therapy and I have learned so much about how not to do therapy.

No need to apologise Waterbear. I am guessing you feel very strongly about this topic and something was triggered for you. Please dont ever apologise for feeling too strongly and expressing what you are feeling. I didnt feel judged or shamed by you, I felt your compassion and hurt. Its not an easy situation and anyone who has been there will know that. I am realising like you that we see on the outside and what is going on inside for someone are two very different things and this is confusing but a part of life

Yes, I feel it is entangled too. I am not sure how it has happened but it has happened over the last year. I have been seeing my t weekly for three years and when yu are in your own stor its hard to see past it. It was not my responsibility to protect the boundaries it was my ts and she hasnt been keeping an eye on them.

Thank you for your opinion however, I don't agree with it. Could you possibily elaborate on your thoughts because I am not sure I am understanding you correctly. I feel defensive but perhaps you mean something other than what I am picking up?

I agree with everything you hace said and thank you for your insight. My t does need to take time off, she had been on a week off last week and this is what sparked her disclosure was spending time alone. I do feel for her at the moment, its a horrible situation for her.

Do you feel that this has strengthened your relationship with her Starry? You have a very good relationship with your t and have managed to maintain that even though your t has been pver seas for some time now.

I am sorry your session was so hard

Interesting points Rive, yes they are humans and they should be able to keep them separate but my t wasnt. does this make her a bad t?

I know all about boundaries from my own therapy and my training. No I would never do this to my clients but I knew this was wrong before it happened but knowing and being in a situation are two different things.

If you would never do this to your clients why are you allowing it to be done to you? If you know it is wrong yet have difficulty dealing with the situation how will you deal with it when it is you and your own client? How will you maintain boundaries with your own clients? What is holding you back?

i understand your need to defend and protect your Therapist after she was shown you how vulnerable she is. but, i do think your therapist has lost all sense of her job in your case and whatever 'therapy' was taking place has gone out the window. it troubles me to see you expose yourself to this week after week all the while you are becoming a therapist yourself. im not saying you are a bad therapist for letting this continue, but it is concerning to witness. i see you say you would never do this to one of your own clients which i believe. but like Brazen said, why do you allow her to do this to you?

I know my t is human, but I wouldn't expect him to bring up his issues in my therapy session. I think that would be crossing boundaries in the therapist/client relationship. I would figure he would need his own t to discuss things like that. If it was going to affect the session I would probably reschedule or find another t until he resolves his problems. I kind of expect my t to be there for me, since that is what I'm paying him for. It doesn't mean I don't think he should have issues, but they're not going to help me get well.