Impact of Knowing Personal Info About Your T

I kind of feel like this thread has gotten theoretical and judgmental.

The OP did what they did; they know it was wrong and have some regrets (or would not have posted); what's done cannot be undone. OP asked for advice on what to do next, not to be told how awful what they did was. It seems to me the OP is trying to learn and grow here, and could use some support.

I stick by my original advice: try being honest. If it doesn't go well, find another therapist.

OP: Your T sounds like an obnoxious bully. Why would you go back? You don't see a T to be dumped on do you? People see a T for HELP not bullying, not manipulating, not to be degraded......

My vote is to cancel your next appointment and find another T if you really, really, need one. It's hard to find a decent intelligent T.

It sounds to me that this response is more about your feelings towards your own therapist than offering any kind of helpful perspective to OP.

Very sincere thanks for this! You hit the nail on the head, especially the judgmental part. I feel absolutely terrible and filled with regret already. Being told repeatedly how inappropriate my behavior was (I *know* it was--that's why I posted!) only makes me feel worse. Yes, exactly, I was hoping for some support (not approval), understanding, guidance. To those who offered that, thank you so very much!

I'm going to be on vacation shortly so might not be checking in regularly, but I'll have plenty of time to think this over. AKA ruminate for another week ... lol. I feel like I'm gaining a little more perspective and I hope I can form a plan to deal with this when I return. Again, thank you.

Thanks. I'm working on writing it out, as I can't imagine saying it out loud. I've also realized that if she wanted to terminate me, she could have done it on the spot last time I saw her. But she didn't! And in a brief email exchange, she even said "let's see if we can work through this." So I think I can--for now--put the termination fear behind me and focus on the terrifying first step of coming clean.

She did briefly bring that up. Of course, she immediately knew that it was my way of feeling I had power over her. Totally accurate … and mortifying!

I did have a similar situation of finding out personal info about my t, and also being raised where info wasnt shared with me - i still dont know where babies come from! Okay not quite. It showed me that things dont have to be perfect between people in order to maintain a relationship. You really can talk about all kinds of yucky stuff with exploding. Or dying of embarrassment. If not with those closest to you, then who? Or whom?

Lol, yup, that sounds like my family! Thank you for the support. It's soooo difficult for me to talk about the yucky stuff. I just want to run and hide.

So honestly, given how you personally view things, I wouldn't see that therapist anymore once you work this out with her (because I think you should and I'm pretty sure you actually want to ). Not because she's a "bully". Nothing about your described behaviors of hers say that she is. But because she is the way she is. Some therapists are open, some are not, and some are the extreme that yours is with the turning every little question back on the client to try to "analyze" something that might not even be there. And clients fall on every bit of that spectrum as to what they need or are comfortable with. I would hate having a therapist that does what yours does. You obviously do too . But for some people they might want that. It's a free country. Which is why you should probably look somewhere else (again, just my opinion). There's no reason to stay in that relationship if it drives you both crazy.

You obviously feel guilty about what you did, and everyone could debate forever about how right or wrong it was. While I don't condone the baiting, I can totally understand why you did it. And the underlying feelings of powerlessness are something you need to deal with--with the right therapist. Because I don't think this current one would ever budge to help with that like you need. You just need to come clean and move on. Time and the proper support to deal with those feelings running underneath your actions will help you move on and not feel terrible. Stop beating yourself up!

This has been a fascinating thread. Thanks OP! I also agree there is no need to beat yourself up. This actually sounds like excellent grist for the therapeutic mill.

If I had to hazard a guess, I think once she knows how the heck you got this information and that it wasn't through hacking or that you're some kind of FBI operative (!), I think she'll calm right down and be able to handle it much more professionally. And look at the most interesting thing which is WHY you did what you did and why you used it as a power game.

Of course, that still won't solve the original issue which is that she doesn't sound like the kind of T that you want. But it's been a learning experience and you'll be much better equipped to choose a new T, whenever the time is right.

I never did understand why a t has to be a blank slate anyway. I think it is stupid. What is wrong with them sharing more than they do especially after they get to know you and what your issues are. I also have researched my t's extensively. You aren't alone on this. I hope she decides to work it out with you. Hopefully she will be understanding to why you did this.

I totally agree! The blank slate does more harm than good.

Thank you so very much for your understanding reply! I continue to wrestle with how best to deal with this. Part of me wants to run and just not deal with it at all; part wants to go try to work through it. I figure I can take my time and go back when and if I feel ready. Perhaps some time and space will give both of us a better perspective. Whatever happens, though, I think you're right--we're not a good match. I think I knew that already, but I do like her and I dread the hassle of trying to find a new T.

KitKatKazoo, "unsettling parallels to her personal life"! I couldn't help but chirp about this...In my world this is called gangstalking everyone nearly about, does this for me in the quotations(runs the gamut, the alter our thoughts whereabouts, traumatic experiences the past etc)....It's help and abuse basically cause it was without permission a spiritual therapist started this for me! I'm talking externally, almost like community recovery I have dissociative Identity disorder and post traumatic stress disorder!!

Anyway, I'm not sure if the T put herself out there like that stop acting like a child about wanting to know they full well know the impact of social media! Best believe they over think T and know what they are doing... Since you was confronted I guess you might wanna throw it back in her face in this way! Shrug it off!

I don't think it is unusual to look things up about your t and her family. What does seem unusual is using that newfound information as literary fodder to lure her into a situation where she feels discomfort, powerlessness, and/or alarm. That's a big deal, and it brings up a number of important questions that you and your therapist should analyze and discuss, beginning the with the question "Why?"

You said her style of being a blank slate drives you nuts, and that you did it to find out more about her. That makes sense. But it does not answer the question about why you then used the personal information you gathered to intimidate her. Yes, you did say "I wanted her to feel as powerless as I did" or something like that (I can't see your post while I'm typing.)

But WHY did you want to make her feel powerless?

What is it about the therapy relationship that makes you feel so vulnerable that you needed to play out this literary power trip in order to regain your sense of control?

Where does that sense of powerlessness come from?

What drove you to lie about it afterwards?

It's the answers to those questions that are extremely important "grist for the mill" in terms of what you and your therapist work on in your therapy sessions.

I understand your fear of coming clean because she may terminate therapy with you. But what are the realistic chances of your therapy relationship working out if you don't come clean? How is running away going to benefit you? Will it teach you how to confront difficult situations in the future?

Many good questions to consider! Thank you for your input. I still haven't decided how to proceed …

I am a very curious person.... I also have trust issues... so after my first intake appointment with my T almost a year ago... we had several “fluff” conversations... movies, books, TV shows, music... found a lot of common ground... He was very patient waiting for me to get to trust him enough to start to open up... I know he’s married has two young children... a dog named Bella... all things he told me...

One night when I was with cousin and of her some friends... she was concerned about a business trip her husband was taking with a female colleague. So we did some online digging on her... only to discover that she’s been in a long term relationship with another woman...

So we decided to try to “research” someone else... the fact that I was drunk at the time... and like I said a very curious person... we “researched” my T... I too found out a lot of personal data about him... His address, home phone number... His entire family... parents, two brothers... where he went to school... I found out about his wife and her family...

One of her friends who happened to be there... has connections to the local police department... and using her credentials. we found out that my T had two speeding tickets and one parking ticket (expired meter) on his record... we were able to delve into some sort of public records that would normally require a large fee for... but using her credentials it was free... I found out how much he paid for his house... how long ago he purchased it... that he took out a second mortgage on the home... how much he filed on his income tax the year before... I’m talking seriously personal, private information...

Two days later when I had my next session with him... I told him what I did without mentioning that it was him we researched... when I was all done he me why I was drunk, especially since I don’t normally drink... I told him that it was the first time I felt like I fit in, like I belonged, and was part of the group... so he started to ask me questions about that...

I actually stopped him and asked if he realized I was talking about him... he said he figured as much, and felt it was more important to discover the reasons behind why I felt the need to do that... then worry about who it was... but that we’d talk about boundaries and crossing them at our next session...

He even gave me a hug before I left and assured me that he wasn’t going to kick me out just because of one thing... but made me promise to never go to his house or call him at home.... which I was perfectly willing to do....

Moral Of The Story: A good T will help you through all kinds of situations... It may require going over the boundaries, or setting new ones... but they will help you... If your T is any good at all... she won’t freak out or over react... she’ll just readdress boundaries and help you through this... though if things like this keep happening... she may need to cut ties... but she will do so in a professional way... You may also want to explain how powerless you felt and how you did taunt her on purpose... and try to explore the reasons behind that...

I really hope this helps... and know your not alone... curiosity is a normal part of being human... so is making mistakes...

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply! I'd love to chat about this some more when I have time, as my situation remains largely unchanged Again, thanks!

I see that this thread was posted two months ago, but this is the first time I've read it. KitKatKazoo, may I ask what happened? Did you go back to this T?
I'm sorry all this happened to you. I, too, am guilty of looking up my T and digging WAYYYY too far into her personal life -- for example I found a picture of her in a bikini deep in the interwebs, lol. I actually think that's pretty typical of clients, and there's definitely not a consensus on if it's "okay" or not because it's on the internet.
That said, maybe you did go too far in telling your T about your stories to unsettle her. I empathize completely though, I am not trying to shame you or anything! I hate feeling powerless in therapy, and I hate not knowing anything about my T. I would be tempted to do the same thing.
Anyway I wrote all that out to say I understand your situation, and I understand those feelings of guilt and shame. I hope it's better now. How are you doing?

Somehow I missed this post the first time around too. I just read it all..... and I'm very curious, also, about what happened. After your vacation, did you go back and see her? Are you still seeing her?

Everything you wrote here, I can tell, is extremely genuine, and I commend you for sharing this! I'm just really curious about how you and your T handled this after your return?

I'm not so sure, in my mind, that you researched your T so completely simply because she is a blank slate in therapy, or that you wanted more power in your relationship. (If I misread your post, please correct me...) By the same token, again, in my own mind, I'm not sure you wanted her to squirm by leaving "breadcrumbs" in your discourse w/her.

I've done the same thing, to a lesser degree than you have, and have spent a lot of time thinking why I wanted to bait my T. My T is not a blank slate, the best T I've seen, so what drove my less than stellar actions that would only hurt the one person who gets me? For me, I wondered if I wanted T's "shock" reaction, so to speak, and attention (not totally certain about that...). I do know that baiting T came from much anger I had not identified, much less felt. Once I understood the anger, my online "stalking" and the need I felt to bait my T dissipated.

I made the decision not to tell my T, mostly because I worked much of my anger out in therapy and the "stalking" was no longer an issue. However, I didn't go to the length you have gone. Whether or not you tell your T depends on how you feel about your T and the work you've done together. IMO, this would be good grist for the mill, to help you understand feelings you may not be aware of. She may not want to continue therapy w/you; only you can determine that possibility.

I wish you well. This is a tough decision for anyone.

Now that she has pretty much called you on it, you need to talk about it. I can see not going into it if it never progressed to the part about reading your stories. A lot of her info is sensitive so she's bound to feel violated. Either she'll be willing to talk with you about it, or not. I think your reasons of wanting to even the playing field are fairly normal, but the way you went about it may feel threatening to her. Even if she ends it with you, which she could, this is very valid therapy material here! And needs to be dissected. So I'm hoping you get to do that with someone, even if it's not this T.

I personally have googled my T and found out more than I should. I struggle with it, so I'm not judging you. The blank slate is tough to deal with

I also think talking with t about your reasons for it all is very valid therapy material! I'm also in agreement with those who have said that what's on the interwebs is fair game. I know from experience that t's can take steps to say off the internet - my t does - I googled her way back in the very beginning and seriously ALL I ever found was her profile on psychologytoday.com. One time I was talking about Facebook and how excited I was to have reconnected with a bunch of old camp friends on there, and she made a comment that she doesn't use Facebook and further said that she's vigilant about keeping herself off the internet with the exception of her profile that I found her through, because of her job. So I know it can be done.

No problem, I have made so many stupid mistakes in my life... I probably have an anecdote to share about pretty much anything you could think of... LOL... feel free to contact me when ever...

If you encourage a client to reveal sensitive material, while withholding even the most basic info about yourself, what on earth do you think is going to happen? They are going to go online to find out who the hell they are dealing with. A person cannot feel safe with such an absurd imbalance. That sort of extreme withholding is a huge psychological manipulation and borders on abusive.

Most people accept all this as normal and then castigate the client for some boundary "violation". Funny. Therapists violate boundaries constantly, by treating clients like best buddies one moment, then like an object the next. And by taking their money for months or years while refusing to explain who they are and what they are up to. Or by prodding them to reveal painful stuff with an implicit promise that it's healthy to do so.