[Ankh91]

I had no intentions of posting this here, or talking about it anywhere but after reading threads and receiving such helpful, kind feedback, I think this may actually be the best place to talk about this.
(This thread may have to be moved to survivors of abuse but I wasn't sure because I think it fits in psychotherapy too).

I want to be completely honest with my T, I have a lot of respect for her and I hate myself for keeping this secret. I feel guilty, like I'm lying to her and I hate it considering my T is really compassionate / understanding.
Long story short this comes down to the three rules of therapy, I'm breaking one of them and if I tell her I know she'll not only be disappointed in me, (she got upset/angry/disappointed with me for not opening up about how I felt about food - possible countertransference - ) and obviously I don't want a repeat of that.

I've worked really hard in therapy for the last year which my T recognises, (she's great at giving me that bit of validation at exactly the right time), and that's what makes this all the more upsetting. We've been working on the childhood abuse and more recently the anorexia, but the whole truth is that my abuser is well and truly still in the picture. I've always managed myself well but the abuse is getting progressively worse and I can't hide it anymore. He doesn't care about visible marks anymore and has snatched me off the street a block from my house.

I need to tell my T, but I'm terrified she'll report it because she has to report if someone's hurting me. I'm not strong enough for police and court dates but I can't keep this secret anymore. More to the point, I don't know if I can survive this much longer. I'm not good at writing things down, but I also don't know if I'm comfortable testing the waters around this with my T or how I'd even go about it.

I need help.
Thank you for reading & thank you in advance if you leave thoughts for me x

[Victoria'smom]

How old are you? I know curtain T's wont report it as long as your over the age of 18 and children aren't involved.

[atisketatasket]

It's not a choice about telling your therapist. It's a choice about whether you are going to survive or not. Yes, dealing with police and courts will be hard, but you will have people, including your therapist, to help you. Escalating abuse threatens your very survival. Your choice is actually whether to help yourself or not.

[Ankh91]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

How old are you? I know curtain T's wont report it as long as your over the age of 18 and children aren't involved.

I'm 25, but my T has made it clear that she will report any current abuse. Especially if it involves my dad. It's why I feel stuck, I want it to end, but I'm also hardened to it.

atisketatasket*I want it stop, I really do, but there's always a but. My dad is a psychopath in my T's opinion, I know how much abuse I can withstand, my dad charmed 2 social workers, and the school counsellors. This isn't just about survival, this about the power he has, its about how far his reach is. What if the police don't believe me because he manipulates them too? Then my life won't be worth living anyway. This really isn't as simple as survival.

[ruh roh]

There are lots of ways to bring something like this up, assuming your therapist isn't a complete numbskull (and it doesn't sound like she is).

You could ask: "What kinds of things would cause you to report something to law enforcement?" That would lead her to state what she's mandated to report and also clue her in that something is going on that's potentially putting you in danger.

You could make a statement that would lead her to ask you questions back, such as, "There's something that's still happening and I'm frightened." Or "That thing we been talking about is still happening." Or, "I'm scared."

Any of those things are enough to clue her in and help you talk about this. If your main concern is that this will be reported, but your life is at risk if this person isn't stopped, talk to her about what would happen in a hypothetical situation of abuse.

Bottom line, you need to be safe, and your therapist should be able to walk you through what can be done to make that happen--both on her end and yours.

On a side note, there are rules in therapy? Mine has only given one--not to wreck her office. (She gave another rule, but I broke it already...twice.)

eta: Nevermind, we cross posted and you answered the question about reporting. I would let her report, and talk through next steps so that you're really clear about what will happen and how you can be safe from the fallout. There is only so much self improvement you can do if you're going home to abuse.

[atisketatasket]

He's leaving marks? Take pictures. Show them, or the marks, to your therapist. You may not be underage but he is still committing several crimes.

Do you still live with your parents?

[growlycat]

Atat has a great point. Even if you aren't ready to report him at least document the abuse. Pictures, a journal etc.

[itjustis]

I really hope you can get out of this abuse. Please, please tell your T so she can help you. That's what she is there for.

[growlycat]

Do you live with just dad or are siblings or a mom present? If so where are they in all of this? Is anyone else abused as well? you may be helping others too by reporting him. I'm so sorry you even have to deal with this.

[Ankh91]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

He's leaving marks? Take pictures. Show them, or the marks, to your therapist. You may not be underage but he is still committing several crimes.

Do you still live with your parents?

I live alone, and I will document everything from now on.

[mostlylurking]

Your dad is not going to manage to charm your T, not after a year of you seeing her, not after she believed you about past abuse but just didn't realize it was still ongoing (if I'm getting that right). I can imagine that this would be one of your worst fears, that he would get the upper hand somehow, but I can't really see that happening again now that you are an adult, you have a caring T, he is leaving visible marks which you can document, and so forth. Keeping a journal of incidents and dates, including any details you can remember from the past, is a good idea too.

I have been in bad situations (definitely not as bad, but not good) that I thought I was surviving more or less okay -- I thought I was "hardened" as you put it. Yet once I was out of them, I was amazed to see how badly I had been affected, in retrospect. You may feel hardened but you may not be able to visualize what life could be like if he were not doing this to you. It sounds like it's been going on a long time. How would you know how much it is really affecting you? You deserve so much better than this and this is your opportunity to make a change with your T's help. Also-- if a T contacts the police perhaps that carries more weight than just your average citizen? Even if charges aren't pressed, at least you could get a restraining order.

I also think it's not good if T's act upset or disappointed that you didn't open up earlier... and your situation illustrates the reason why it's not good. Because she was upset before, you're understandably afraid of upsetting her with this new information, so you're more reluctant to tell her. I don't mean to criticize your T, she was probably just having a moment of being human and worried about you, but it's not ideal in my opinion. I think it would be reasonable for you to say "I have something to tell you, but I just can't take it if you're going to act upset or angry at me or disappointed in me when I say this." She should be able to do that if she's a good T.

I know it would be a very tough conversation but if you imagine all us forum folks standing behind you, maybe it's a smidge easier? I really hope you can tell her soon.

[Ankh91]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Do you live with just dad or are siblings or a mom present? If so where are they in all of this? Is anyone else abused as well? you may be helping others too by reporting him. I'm so sorry you even have to deal with this.

I live alone, I'm an only child, luckily I don't have brothers or sisters. and my mother disowned me why I was 15, he convinced her I seduced him. I'm my own family.

[growlycat]

That is terrible ...I can't even imagine.... Any trustworthy extended family or friends that would take you in? You may have already done this or thought of this but have you called any battered women's groups or shelters just to get thier opinion on your situation? I would think that they could give you the most realistic view of what you could expect if you have him reported. I would think they would be the most realstic about what kind of survival plan you would need to get together. I am all for reporting hm as others are here but I do realize that there will be fallout. Where to live etc or if he is paying for school etc.

[Ankh91]

Originally Posted by growlycat

That is terrible ...I can't even imagine.... Any trustworthy extended family or friends that would take you in? You may have already done this or thought of this but have you called any battered women's groups or shelters just to get thier opinion on your situation? I would think that they could give you the most realistic view of what you could expect if you have him reported. I would think they would be the most realstic about what kind of survival plan you would need to get together. I am all for reporting hm as others are here but I do realize that there will be fallout. Where to live etc or if he is paying for school etc.

I have someone very special in my life, someone I keep very separate from this world. If she knew what I kept from her I'd lose the only person I can truly say I've loved in the last ten years.
Maybe if she did report him taking it out of my hands would be the best thing to do, otherwise I'm not sure how long I'll let it continue. I'm too afraid of life after 'burning all bridges' to even try and save myself at the moment. Shameful.

[growlycat]

Are you absolutely sure this special someone would walk away when you need it most?

I think you would only be burning one bridge and it may be the one worth burning-with your dad. Too many people on pc including myself keep relationships that are bad for us because we think we "should" keep them. Time and time again we all keep getting burned by these people/family members or partners.

[Ankh91]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

Your dad is not going to manage to charm your T, not after a year of you seeing her, not after she believed you about past abuse but just didn't realize it was still ongoing (if I'm getting that right). I can imagine that this would be one of your worst fears, that he would get the upper hand somehow, but I can't really see that happening again now that you are an adult, you have a caring T, he is leaving visible marks which you can document, and so forth. Keeping a journal of incidents and dates, including any details you can remember from the past, is a good idea too.

I have been in bad situations (definitely not as bad, but not good) that I thought I was surviving more or less okay -- I thought I was "hardened" as you put it. Yet once I was out of them, I was amazed to see how badly I had been affected, in retrospect. You may feel hardened but you may not be able to visualize what life could be like if he were not doing this to you. It sounds like it's been going on a long time. How would you know how much it is really affecting you? You deserve so much better than this and this is your opportunity to make a change with your T's help. Also-- if a T contacts the police perhaps that carries more weight than just your average citizen? Even if charges aren't pressed, at least you could get a restraining order.

I also think it's not good if T's act upset or disappointed that you didn't open up earlier... and your situation illustrates the reason why it's not good. Because she was upset before, you're understandably afraid of upsetting her with this new information, so you're more reluctant to tell her. I don't mean to criticize your T, she was probably just having a moment of being human and worried about you, but it's not ideal in my opinion. I think it would be reasonable for you to say "I have something to tell you, but I just can't take it if you're going to act upset or angry at me or disappointed in me when I say this." She should be able to do that if she's a good T.

I know it would be a very tough conversation but if you imagine all us forum folks standing behind you, maybe it's a smidge easier? I really hope you can tell her soon.

I'm definitely going to start keeping a record of it. I feel stupid for not thinking about it myself It is my worst fear, I want nothing more than for this to stop, but I'm terrified of the consequences. If my dad manipulates the police, or I have proof of marks but no proof of where I got them, it's my word against his. I think you're right about my T, I think she'll be more than understanding, but I'm afraid of her reaction too. If she was upset that I didn't tell her my feelings towards food, how is she going to react when I tell her my dad is still doing what he has always done. But she has always believed me, she knows I've always be honest with her, but she's also suspicious and I feel like she's just waiting. more pressure?

There's a past trauma I've been trying to talk to my T about for weeks, I finally thought I'd gotten somewhere with it yesterday and was planning on taking that to her on Wednesday. After seeing my dad I want to cancel my plans for the next month and hide in bed. Does it make sense at all, that the abuse has to get worse than it is now for me to be more scared of it, than I am of the consequences of not being believed by the police? I don't feel like I have any strength right now, so I have to rely on fear.

[Ankh91]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Are you absolutely sure this special someone would walk away when you need it most?

I think you would only be burning one bridge and it may be the one worth burning-with your dad. Too many people on pc including myself keep relationships that are bad for us because we think we "should" keep them. Time and time again we all keep getting burned by these people/family members or partners.

I don't think she could cope with the truth, not only of my past but also that I kept it from her.

For a long time I kept the secrets and family facade because he made my mum happy. Now it's my fear that keeps me anchored to him.

[mostlylurking]

She might have a hunch there are things you haven't shared yet, and perhaps that feels like suspicion to you, but I bet it's just concern, caring, and a bit of worry. You've said you feel guilty about not telling her, so that might be why it feels like "suspicion," but you have not done anything wrong in not telling her yet. You couldn't yet, you weren't ready, that's not your fault. I just hope you tell her soon because I hate to hear about anyone suffering from what you are suffering and I hope that you can find help soon. There is no judgment in that, just compassion.

Please don't let having seen your dad cut you off from her support. If you don't feel like you have the strength to go on Wednesday, I think you should contact her, let her know something bad has happened (you don't have to say what)... I hope she can encourage you to come in as planned.

I liked growlycat's suggestion about contacting a battered women's shelter or similar group. I'm sure there are abused women married to prominent men who fear not being believed, so they should have some experience with how to handle that. Between them and your T you can start building a support team to get you out of this.

[cinnamon_roll]

Do talk to a women's shelter. They deal with those issues all the time, and probably have good ideas how to go about in this situation.

Also, where I live there is a place where victims of violence can turn to. There are medical professionals who will document the injuries/the abuse and document them in a way that is forensically recognised (i.e. a court will recognize them). They won't report anyone or call the police unless you want them to. The whole point of this institution is to document proof of the injuries, so people will have the option later on to report the abuser and have valid proof for the abuse. Since you are in Europe, maybe there's something similar where you live (I think this institution is a result of some EU regulation...).

Do you have a doctor you can trust? Maybe have him/her document your injuries as well? (Unless they are forced to report any abuse they might encounter).

All the best, c_r

[Ankh91]

cinnamon_roll and MostlyLurking

I don't think I can talk to anyone right now, I feel like relinquishing this to someone else is going to make me feel so powerless. I hate the feeling of not knowing what's going on behind the scenes. It goes back to when I was a teenager and I asked for help. Things had gotten so bad at home that I went to the school counsellor, I told her a minimal amount of information (always chose my words very carefully) and she informed Social Services within an hour of speaking to me. I spoke to her a few times after that, completely unaware the counsellor had spoken to SS, until a letter came in the post saying that I had to meet with a social worker, and so did my parents on separate occasions. I was punished and my dad became a relentless tyrant.
To cut this story short, my dad flirted and charmed his way through the home visit with the social worker, my mum was sitting next to him the whole time, but the SW left my house giggling and laughing.
When the front door shut I felt this impending doom feeling, like my life was about to end there and then. He pointed out that I had burnt all my bridges, sent my mum out to do the weekly shop and punished me.
My punishment resulted in a pregnancy and miscarriage, since then my fear has been intensified.
I'm not sure I can explain it, there's to much to 'it' to explain. I feel stuck between a hard place and a rock, I know I'm the only person who can put an end to it but there's always a but. Even I'm sick of saying 'but this' and 'but that'

I'm scared history will repeat itself again, that he'll manipulate / flirt / charm his way out of the truth. If the police don't believe me I am well and truly on my own. That's not something I can face now. I want to talk to my T about this on Wednesday, I just need to figure out the best way for me.

As for a trusted doctor, the only person I think I can trust with this is my T. But thank you for the idea. I'm going to reread all replies and see if any of the ideas people have left could help.

[ruh roh]

Yes, your dad was able to charm his way out of this when you were a teen, but there are ways you can be in control of what happens by documenting with pictures like @@ and others have mentioned. There's also the ability to record audio (or video if you have the chance) if you see him coming or know that there will be an interaction.

[Ankh91]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Yes, your dad was able to charm his way out of this when you were a teen, but there are ways you can be in control of what happens by documenting with pictures like @@ and others have mentioned. There's also the ability to record audio (or video if you have the chance) if you see him coming or know that there will be an interaction.

I'm definitely going to start doing this where and when I can.
It's difficult remembering I'm an adult the way he makes me feel, I keep reminding myself. I'll get there

[mostlylurking]

Ankh... I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry.

Whatever your T might think should be done, she will discuss it with you rather than hiding it from you, as two adults. I can understand not wanting to relinquish power, but getting away from him is not something you can do all by yourself. He is a violent psychopath. It is not on you to handle him. Think of it as enlisting the professional help of others, not as having your own power taken away. Getting away from him is the first step toward getting your own power back, I would think.

[Ankh91]

MostlyLurking, thank you. I've found strength here, I'm going to think carefully about my options and be real with myself about the severity of the abuse now. I left once, I can do it again.

[growlycat]

We are rooting for you to get out of this situation!