I can't focus at work anymore. I have worked non-stop, crazy, all day long. I have tons of stuff left to do, but I can't. I feel like it's the first time I'm ever going to see T. I don't know what's wrong with me. During our last session I basically went blind the whole time so not too much was accomplished except for the fact that I felt really safe in there while something really scary was happening to me. What's scaring than going %#@&#! blind in your Ts office?
Exploring erotic transference? Yeah. That's scarier. Don't think I can do it. Lately I feel very connected to him when I'm in there. Maybe that's why I'm so nervous. Not used to feeling like that. What do I do? Just sit down and be connected? Say: "Hi. I'm connected. Now what?" I can't I can't I can't I want to be sitting in his %#@&#! lap. Then I end up pushing him away; getting all pissed off at him just so I don't have to deal with the connection... cause for me it's all about object constancy. I don't want to deal with the hurt when I have to leave. And I %#@&#! up again... the semester is over so I went back to 2x per week. Now when school starts again and I'm back to 1x per week I'm going to be crushed. A little bit over two hours away now.... Today is going to be one of those sessions when it's just too much to sit in the room with him. Sometimes I have to close my eyes, can't look at him cause the feeling is too intense. %#@&#!. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

[lauren_helene]

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pinksoil said:
Exploring erotic transference? Yeah. That's scarier. Don't think I can do it.

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I'm chuckling because it is frightening and I avoid it in our session like the plague anymore. I pretend he doesn't notice but I'm sure I'm wrong about that.

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pinksoil said:
Lately, I feel very connected to him when I'm in there. Maybe that's why I'm so nervous.

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I'm nervous most of the time. You know, I think that is why I let someone back into my life recently that I shouldn't have. T and I are connecting more and I'm trusting him more and more. I think this is my way to disconnect from him for some reason.

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pinksoil said:
What do I do? Just sit down and be connected? Say: "Hi. I'm connected. Now what?" I can't I can't I can't I want to be sitting in his %#@&#! lap.

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I'm dying here imagining you hopping in T's lap upon arrival. I wonder what mine would do?

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pinksoil said:
Today is going to be one of those sessions when it's just too much to sit in the room with him. @&#!. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

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What I plan to do is go in and talk about the pattern I see in myself with said destructive person and some other things. I probably should mention how I've been reducing my antidepressant on my own (he'll love that one).

I find myself wondering when exactly will all of this halt? Am I holding the process up? How? What do I do to move on from it? Do I need to resolve my marriage issue once and for all?

I'm so confused anymore Maybe you can find this out and tell me before tomorrow? hahahahaha!

I'm just trying to find humor in all of this. I hope I'm not making anything worse for ya

[sunrise]

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pinksoil said:
During our last session I basically went blind the whole time....

Sometimes I have to close my eyes, can't look at him cause the feeling is too intense. %#@&amp;#!. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

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pinksoil, it really interests me that both of the statements above were in your post. You say sometimes when you are with him you have to close your eyes because your connection is so intense. Last time, you didn't close your eyes but yet you went blind! Same effect--results in your not being able to see T and a lessening of the intensity. So maybe your going blind in T's office is just your body telling you things are too intense. Or maybe it is a somatic way of fighting the intensity, the connectedness? That's probably all wrong, but I found the discussion of both closing your eyes and going blind in therapy to be eerily similar.

Good luck today. ((((hugs))))

Yeah Sunny, I was thinking the same thing. Like Freud's studies of hysterical blindness. The eye thing also happened that morning in the shower before work (another stressor) and after the Miller Analogies Test (yet another one). It hasn't happened since I left session Friday evening. I actually highly doubt it has anything to do with my eyes at all. I think it is either psychological or neurological (relating to the sudden stop in my meds). Who knows.

Either way, it's now 4 PM which means one more hour. I'm home from work now. Still flipping. Can't even make a decision how I should get there. Car? Bus? Subway? This is so pathetic. What drink should I take? Water? Iced coffee? Oh yeah, like I need coffee right now.

[sunrise]

The eye problems are sounding like stress. I guess that is better than there being something wrong with your eyes. So, good news, I guess? Can you phone your pdoc and ask if blind episodes are a possible side effect of stopping the meds?

Maybe you should take the bus or subway just in case you have eyesight problems again. Safer. Water is my favorite beverage, so go with that! Have a great session with your T. My session is tonight also. It's got to be better than the session my husband and I had with our accountant this morning (talk about intense).

Ciao,
sunny

Good luck with your session tonight.

I'm stuck to the floor.

I can't get up and go to my session.

I need carpet removal services.

To remove me from the carpet.

Help.

Ok, I am going to take the bus.