[MissCharlotte]

Hi all, I haven't posted a new topic in a while.

Some of you know I've been really busy with my practicum, which ends in 2 weeks as well as job hunting.

My son is also very sick with MI. He has been deteriorating and it has been very difficult to watch. I love him so, my firstborn. Arghhh. Because of my tendency to split and compartmentalize, T said to me, "sister, we have to find a way to walk beside this." I told him i was running out of compartments.

As a result of all this pressure I have been depressed. I am working on the one day at a time theory right now, but feel extremely tired.

Along with all of this, I had a hard time connecting with T for two sessions in a row just prior to last Tuesday. I was upset and worried about our future together and even had a dream about it. In the dream someone in a pink bathrobe was tapping on the window of my car and I was spinning my wheels. (T? in a pink robe? hahahaha, he's a 6ft. big guy).

Finally, on Tuesday we connected again. I told him about the dream and he said, "so, how are we spinning our wheels here?"

I told him I hadn't been able to talk about some things I needed to discuss, because I didn't feel connected. (I had some urges to SI)

I said that one of the reasons i felt we weren't connecting was because I was protecting myself from his next vacation. (Remember the last one?) If I don't connect I won't have to feel the disconnect and reconnect....or something like that.

He took responsibility for the disconnect in one session and said it isn't always my fault.

I also told him that if I don't bring my inner child with me or give her a voice, then the interaction doesn't feel authentic, as if I am a phony. He really understood that.

Maybe that means I'm integrating? Maybe that integration is why I feel like I can't compartmentalize anymore?

When I was able to have this frank discussion with him I felt really connected again. (sigh)

On Tuesday, I took my shoes off and curled up on the big chair. I asked if it was okay to put my feet on the chair and he could care less and offered me an ottoman!!! I declined and wondered aloud how much further I could sink into the chair.

When we talked about my next appointment at the end of the session I asked him if we were finished and he nodded yes..I said i wasn't leaving. He laughed and said he would just tell the next guy to lay on the couch. I said he could tell him that I was hard of hearing so I wouldn't listen to their conversation.

Sigh. The thought of just sinking into that chair and sitting there with T nearby feels so safe, like it should have felt when I was a little girl. I don't want to be in my world.

Love and peace to all of you.


PS I got a job yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!

Congratulations on the job, SiSter!!!!!!!!!!!

That is wonderful. You know I started feeling like when I wasnt talking about deepr things in therapy, that i was being fake too at one point. It hink it is a good sign. We can feel a little authentic with someone... Finally.

[kimmydawn]

Yep, what EV said!

How awesome and thank you for gifting us with the hope that radiates from your sharing.

KD

[WinterRose]

Oh Sister - so much happy and sad mixed together for you.
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Shared sorrow is half sorrow.
Shared joy is double joy.

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I hope because we are here that joy overcomes the less fun things in your world - at least for a short time - so you can have a break. I am sorry about your son - that must be hard. You have my love. You also had a lot of wonderful things happen in therapy for you and getting a job too. Congratulations.

[WinterRose]

PS - I so love the chair thing. My T doesn't have a chair like that, but my pdoc does and I love sinking into it.

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR JOB!!!!!!!!

Your T sounds awesome. The more I read your posts, the more I admire the honest, authentic relationship that the two of you have. I sense a very strong connection there.

I'm so sorry you've been going through such a hard time. But the fact that you can internalize that chair-- that safe feeling in the chair with T nearby-- that is so important. Keep holding onto that. You are very strong.

[sunrise]

Way to go on your new job, sister!

So glad you have connected again in therapy. Not connecting is so awful, isn't it? I don't connect with most people in my everyday life, the way I do with T when it is good, but yet I don't feel that lack so strongly with others. It's like once you've experienced it with your T, anything less seems, well, just plan unsatisfactory.

I sometimes think of therapists and how difficult it must be to sit there hour after hour and attempt to have that deep connection with person after person. They must get worn out.

Love the pink bathrobe dream!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I also told him that if I don't bring my inner child with me or give her a voice, then the interaction doesn't feel authentic,

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
That is great you know at least one thing you can do to make the interaction more authentic.

I think when we have a lot of stress in our lives, our defenses start to crumble, for example, the ability to compartmentalize. Best of luck to you and your son. (((hugs)))

[MissCharlotte]

Sunny,

Thanks. Very thoughtful & insightful response.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I think when we have a lot of stress in our lives, our defenses start to crumble,

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That's a good way to look at it, maybe it means there will be more progress in therapy?

I am so depressed today, don't even want to get out of bed, but I must. I have a broken heart.

[MissCharlotte]

((EV))

I hate that fake feeling. Glad it's not there now.....

Thanks.

[MissCharlotte]

KD,

Thanks for your response. I know I should, but don't feel terribly hopeful today. Trying to grasp that hopefulness I felt last week. Just want to bury my head.

[MissCharlotte]

WinterRose,

(((hugs))))

What a beautiful quote. Thank you. Thank God for PC and all of you.

[MissCharlotte]

Oh Pinksoil,

Thanks so much for reminding me to hang on the feeling. Feeling low right now and yes, I will spend a few minutes, placing myself in the chair. I'll be in it this afternoon for real. Cant wait.

((((Pinksoil))))