[atisketatasket]

Been thinking about this a bit lately...

Scenario: you and a therapist with whom you've worked for a while, and with whom you have a good therapeutic relationship, are terminating (e.g., they're retiring, you're moving, no one's dumping anyone, i.e., you're parting on good terms). You may be done with therapy, or you may be planning to switch to another therapist for whatever reason). What does "closure" look like for you in that scenario? Without physical objects - no gifts or anything like that, just emotional/mental/psychological etc.

You can actually have been through this, or you can just have a vision for it. I'm just looking for a sense of what this LOOKS like to clients ending with a therapist.

[cinnamon_roll]

For me it was being able to tell her all the things I still needed to say. Ask the questions I still needed to ask, and getting answers from her.
Saying goodbye, and knowing I can come back should the need arise.

[awkwardlyyours]

Interesting question. So, clearly I don't have any experience with the "good relationship" termination stuff!

But, I am wondering -- one of your scenarios involves switching to another therapist (for whatever reason). Unless you're looking for something very specific (E.g., somatic, EMDR stuff etc) with the new therapist, I don't know how / why the current T would consider it parting on good terms?

As in, this may be just my experience but it seems logical -- current T took umbrage at my leaving her (psychodynamic) for a psychoanalyst. So, short of telling her how she sucked (see good relationship go out the window) or straight up lying, there was no way out of it.

That question aside though, closure for me would mean (in a super idealistic sense), a shared, warm understanding of the major stuff that's happened in therapy. Some reminiscing etc. Mostly in good (bittersweet yes) spirits. Warm glow and all that.

(In case it isn't obvious, I've actually rarely ever had it!)

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

But, I am wondering -- one of your scenarios involves switching to another therapist (for whatever reason). Unless you're looking for something very specific (E.g., somatic, EMDR stuff etc) with the new therapist, I don't know how / why the current T would consider it parting on good terms?

As in, this may be just my experience but it seems logical -- current T took umbrage at my leaving her (psychodynamic) for a psychoanalyst. So, short of telling her how she sucked (see good relationship go out the window) or straight up lying, there was no way out of it.

Well, seeing another specialist, original therapist retires, you move somewhere else, your therapist needs to cut her practice/gets sick/goes on maternity leave/no longer takes your insurance...I can envision lots of ways one can part on good terms. And it's always possible for two people to understand they just don't go together and part ways amicably and wish each other well. (Apparently not with your personal Medea, though.)

No. 3 and I certainly parted on decent terms, so that falls under the "client moved" scenario. But I don't have a sense of closure.

[itjustis]

For me closure means leaving absolutely nothing unsaid, positive or negative. Whether that be by verbalising it or writing it down.

I had a relationship break down a few years ago and I didn't get the closure I needed, so when my T and I left for the summer it was especially important to me that I got the 'proper' closure.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Argonautomobile]

I think I may have terminated therapy. We were ramping down the frequency of sessions anyway, and at the last session I didn't know my schedule yet so told T I'd call to book my next appointment.

That was almost two months ago and I still haven't called. It would not be the end of the world if I never saw T again. I still hold him in fond regard, but have no particular desire to see him, at least right now. I think that's what closure looks like for me--to think about the therapist fondly while having no real desire to see him/her.

[stopdog]

I am not a big believer in a thing called closure - I think things take time. I am a big believer in just stopping - it seems to work for me. Calling something closure seems to put pressure on people for meaning and it sounds like it would be very disappointing.

I've had "closure" on very good terms with three therapists. It really wasn't a big deal. I wouldn't say anything in particular happened except we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways. We knew the time was coming, so it just kind of happened naturally. With my most recent I wouldn't even say we said goodbye. I just chose to stop going to sessions because I really didn't need to go any longer. It wasn't a surprising choice to my therapists; again, we saw it coming so it was just a natural process of moving on.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I am not a big believer in a thing called closure - I think things take time. I am a big believer in just stopping - it seems to work for me. Calling something closure seems to put pressure on people for meaning and it sounds like it would be very disappointing.

Normally I would agree, but No. 3 and I stopped in the middle of something and I really hate it when I don't get to finish something. (It's like ending "The Wizard of Oz" film right after the witch gets melted.) So I'm just wondering how other people define a sense of closure, or what regular closure looks like.

[Coco3]

Parting on good terms is also when the client is ready to move on and end therapy.

For me, closure is the chance to have a proper goodbye. Not ending abruptly, but have the time you need to work toward that final moment. To look back and to say and ask everything you want. To say what the other person means to you, and ideally to have them say it back.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I'll be starting termination in 8 months. I'm not sure what closure will look like. There will be an exchange of gifts/letters. There will be a goodbye hug. I think for me it's to try to get to a place where I can let go of the relationship and still retain the good memories. Of course, I'll be allowed to come back if needed for short-term appointments, but the relationship won't be the same. I think my T just wants me to have a positive experience saying goodbye. And to have a loss that isn't attributed to abandonment. To know that I'll be okay, the world isn't going to end, and to look back and cherish the relationship.

But I am going to ask my T this week (if I remember) what closure will look like. I want to know her perspective.

[Chummy2]

I think I had a good ending with one T. A few years ago. I can't really remember how it went. We talked about how the therapy has been. And a little bit about my plans. I'm not so good in saying how greatful I am in person, so I wrote everything I wanted her to know in a letter and gave that at the end of the session. We also had been working towards this by cutting sessions.

Before her I didn't really had real endings with individual T's. But I didn't felt any connection with those so I didn't care.
I had endings in group therapy, but I cared more for my group member than for the therapists. With the last group I feel I didn't had all the closure. I wished I had told a part of the therapists how much they suck.

Therapy with PrevT ended because of her maternity leave. I feel a don't have closure. It wasn't exactly a forever goodbye, but a temporarily goodbye, she said that. The last months has felt terible. So much unsaid. No closure. And I need that. So current T and I will have one or more sessions with PrevT to help me get closure. (Maybe I go back to her. I don't know yet. But there need to be talked about things.)

I feel like the most important thing for getting closure is that you say everything you want to say. But it can be different for everyone.

[Sarmas]

I'm not sure on how well I agree with closure. I'm not sure if we are talking about incorporating it into a session or if it's a session by itself. When I used to see my T I would travel 30min to get to her which I didn't mind. I don't mind going to a session and speaking about whatever it is that comes to my mind even if it's nonsense. Perhaps that's what I need that day. I surely wouldn't travel out of my way and pay for a session to say my goodbyes. thats what I know I won't do. However, I've never thought of this scenario until this post. I would usually focus on the here and now of therapy and not so much the end. That's where I spent my energy .

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

No. 3 and I certainly parted on decent terms, so that falls under the "client moved" scenario. But I don't have a sense of closure.

Why don't you think you had a sense of closure with this T? Ended too abruptly? You wish you could have said X,Y,Z?

Since I've basically just not gone back with my previous T's, (after winding down sessions though), and having a completely different and more honest relationship with my current T...I am not sure what "closure" would look like, because I know I'm not there.

I guess if I think about it ideally, I would feel like my outside life was flourishing, or getting to be that way. I don't expect it to be perfect, but I don't come home at 6pm and grab a beer because I am exhausted and having a hard time with the whole "trying to have friends" situation...(that might be me right now )

Anyway, magically I would know that I could cope on my own/have a strong support network, and probably would wind down sessions with my T for awhile, and eventually stop, but knowing I could always call her and make an appointment if needed.

I have not done this in reality but the way I imagine with a good relationship and experience, I would want to review the process and whatever has been accomplished (or not) in detail with the T. I would ask them to reflect and provide a summary and describe areas they think would be good to work on in the future by myself or with another therapist. A session or two designated for these discussions, not a long process of termination.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by velcro003

Why don't you think you had a sense of closure with this T? Ended too abruptly? You wish you could have said X,Y,Z?

We stopped in the middle of something major.

[velcro003]

Ahh yes, i can see how that would definitely leave things open-ended. There is no way you can see this T again?

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

We stopped in the middle of something major.

Maybe it's not time to conclude. Can you continue skyping?

[ruh roh]

And to answer your question, I have no idea. I don't think I've had closure with anyone in my life who left or died. There was one therapist, though, who sent me a letter that I still have. I had quit because it was too hard (analysis) and he wrote to affirm what he saw in me, which felt really nice and supportive. But that's not the kind of thing you can ask of another person. They are either moved to do it or not.

The only therapist I actually had termination sessions with, mainly wanted to go over how she had helped me. And then we argued about whether or not the toy she gave me was a cockroach or not. I felt closure of sorts when I threw the thing away a few weeks later. No doubt about it. Cockroach. It felt good to know the truth of it and toss it.

I certainly wish I knew. I want to be able to review the work we've done together, be able to tell her how much this whole process has meant to me, talk about how I have felt being in therapy with her in particular, and I think I want to know her feelings about ending therapy with me. I don't know. Something big got triggered in me in my session the other day, and now I think I want "closure" as in being able to say goodbye because my biggest fear in the whole "taking a break" thing without saying goodbye is that she will die and I won't know it and I won't have been able to say goodbye just like I didn't get to say goodbye to my grandmother before she died 38 years ago. Irrational perhaps. But that's what I've been thinking. And I need to talk with her about that. Thanks for this thread, I want to ponder over all of the responses they are all helpful to me as I try to figure this whole thing out for myself.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by velcro003

Ahh yes, i can see how that would definitely leave things open-ended. There is no way you can see this T again?

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Maybe it's not time to conclude. Can you continue skyping?

It's something that I learned the hard way I don't want to discuss on Skype. It needs someone in the room. I doubt I'll be in Montreal any time again soon, either.

[stopdog]

Are you trying to get closure on the topic or closure with the person? If it is the topic - then can't you go on with it with the therapist you are going back to? I am certain I am not understanding the situation.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Are you trying to get closure on the topic or closure with the person? If it is the topic - then can't you go on with it with the therapist you are going back to? I am certain I am not understanding the situation.

On the topic. Yes, it is something I can and will do with No. 2. However, it's going to take a while, and not finishing the topic with No. 3 is probably going to bother me until No. 2 and I get through it.

[annielovesbacon]

For me, closure with my former T was dedicating our last session to wrapping things up we had talked about previously, then she kind of recapped the work we did ("when you first came in, you were x but I feel as if I have watched you grow as we did y together") and kind of told me how she viewed our therapy from her perspective, which was nice to hear since she was a pretty blank slate throughout therapy. Then she ended by giving me the name of a new T she thought I would get on well with, and told me about her future plans (opening private practice in a few years) and said I could come see her again when she does, if I wanted.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Been thinking about this a bit lately...

Scenario: you and a therapist with whom you've worked for a while, and with whom you have a good therapeutic relationship, are terminating (e.g., they're retiring, you're moving, no one's dumping anyone, i.e., you're parting on good terms). You may be done with therapy, or you may be planning to switch to another therapist for whatever reason). What does "closure" look like for you in that scenario? Without physical objects - no gifts or anything like that, just emotional/mental/psychological etc.

You can actually have been through this, or you can just have a vision for it. I'm just looking for a sense of what this LOOKS like to clients ending with a therapist.

I'm not sure I believe in 'closure'. In a therapy situation, parting on good terms just means, for me, that there are no hard feelings for either party...that doesn't mean there's not unattended business that needed to be addressed. I see 'closure' in your scenario as being able to walk away from the person you've been seeing w/a smile on your face, satisfied that you'd said all you needed to say to be happy with the ending. I don't think that happens very often in the world of psychotherapy/emotions/what-ifs/and all of that human stuff.