[stopdog]

So as not to derail a different thread:
Do you want to know if the therapist is having a feeling of some sort when dealing with you? Does knowing their negative or positive feelings help you in any way? Do you believe the therapist or do you think they are acting/making it up for some point they want to make?
Multiple choice.

[skeksi]

I said yes, it helps me deal with other people who would have similar reactions, and also that I want all parts of the T.

I am in T to learn how to be close to someone else, and that means learning how I affect other people. On occasion T has told me that something I said hurt him to hear or made him a little angry. It was difficult to hear, but also very helpful. I got a chance to practice responding to those reactions, and a chance to reflect on my own behavior.

I don't only want to know about his "good" feelings and reactions.

[rainbow8]

How about T's positive feelings? I know this poll is in response to my thread and my T telling me her negative feelings about me, but I love to hear her positive feelings. Not just praise but feelings, like when she says she feels connected to me, or she cares about me, or she has a positive feeling about something I've done in my life.

As far as the negative, I said maybe if it helps me. I don't like to hurt my T or make her angry. That is never my intent. It helps me to see how I can inadvertently do it, that words can and do affect people, and I need to think before I lash out at people. So her feelings are useful to me.

Sometimes, if it is something that is useful to me (which it occasionally can be).

ETA: Having just read the other thread, if he told me he was angry with me I would tell him to shove it. I don't pay him to feel good about the things I have to say to him.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

ETA: Having just read the other thread, if he told me he was angry with me I would tell him to shove it. I don't pay him to feel good about the things I have to say to him.

Yes - I would tell the therapist to keep it to herself. I don't care if the woman likes it or not.
The woman told me once that she did not like it when I did X but was taken aback when I said it did not matter to me if she liked it or not. What finally stopped her telling me was me was after saying something upset or frustrated her - I said "good - perhaps now you know how I feel when trying to get you to understand"
She has not taken that tactic with me since.

[Waterbear]

Other. It helps me to realise what feelings are, how they affect the body, that they are OK and to help me try to find and verbalise my feelings.

[Out There]

Yes , I do find it helpful to know his feelings sometimes , it often helps me get to my own feelings. So I want to have all parts of the T.

[Pennster]

I find it useful sometimes if one of them has acted in a wacky way. Once my old therapist had been acting very strange- he told me later he had been angry with me. I very much regard it as his problem that he had been angry, and it didn't help all that much to be told that, but the useful aspect was that at least I had an explanation for it.

My current therapist also did something really stupid once, and when I brought it up to him a few months later (we had talked about it at the time as well), he explained what was going on in his brain (he was having a problem that had nothing to do with me but it had been distracting him). After I heard him own that I could just set it aside as a misstep based on his own stuff, so it no longer bothered me.

I guess I view it as useful as an explanation of weird behavior, but I'd prefer they keep a more even keel so it isn't necessary.

[Pennster]

Oh, but one feeling I do like to be told about is if my therapist feels sad when I talk about something grief-related. This just makes me feel less alone with my grief, which is important to me because I suffered a lot of loss as a child and didn't know how to talk about it all then, so I didn't and was left very alone with it all. So having someone share in that sadness feels very powerful to me.

Absolutely. For me, therapy is about much more than just talking about my feelings. It is about understanding my interactions and communication with other people; after all, I don't live in a vacuum. My words and actions do have consequences, and if I have a pattern of interaction that historically and regularly creates stress and/or problems in my life, I am the only person who I can control, and I can learn more effective ways to communicate and interact. Often those patterns can come up in various contexts, including in my interactions with my therapist. It makes sense for that to come to my attention and for me to work on those things. If my therapist doesn't let me know how my actions are playing out with him in that room, then a good opportunity for learning has been lost.

[ruh roh]

I voted other, only because it depends on the stability of the therapist. I have had a few where this would not be helpful because they were not exactly good barometers of mental health. The one I saw before my current therapist, for example, seemed to have a lot of unresolved issues and often related my issues back to herself and her much worse history with her family, so it felt like it was her feelings and perceptions that mattered more than mine.

With the one I see now, I would like to know if there are strong feelings, such as anger, so that I don't have to guess if I sense something.

[atisketatasket]

No, I don't. I found it condescending when No. 1 told me she felt compassion for me, and when No. 3 said she wanted to hug me and hold me in her arms and tell me everything would be okay...urgh.

If I watch their body language, I can tell what their emotions are. That's enough for me.

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I don't know, so "other". I wouldn't know unless he told me, which would be out of character for him, so it would probably make me feel uncomfortable and as if he'd rebuked me. But I really don't know.

[BlessedRhiannon]

My option wasn't there

Yes, because it means I don't have to guess what she's feeling/thinking.

I've spent most of my life trying to guess at what other people are feeling so that I can anticipate what their response might be and so that I will know what to say or do to keep everything peaceful. Knowing what my T is feeling takes all the guesswork out of it for me, and I can concentrate on myself rather than trying to anticipate what my therapist is feeling.

Also, knowing what my T is feeling makes it easier for me to talk about my own feelings. She models how such a conversation can go, and that makes it easier for me to share as well.

[Gavinandnikki]

I was so in love with therapist that I was thrilled when she showed any form of positive regard. When we fought, which was frequently,we worked through it, thus helping me improve my conflict resolution skills.

The only BIG conflict that was never resolved was when I wanted a hug or her to hold my hand. She was a "no touch" therapist, even if I was howling and screaming in grief and sorrow.

I don't think I could handle any negative feelings from my T at the moment. It's hard enough for me just to be seen, and a lot of difficult emotions are coming up for me anyway. Maybe one day in the distant future I'd be able to handle it, but I doubt I'll see her long enough for that.

I don't think I could handle any negative feelings from my T at the moment. It's hard enough for me just to be seen, and a lot of difficult emotions are coming up for me anyway. Maybe one day in the distant future I'd be able to handle it, but I doubt I'll see her long enough for that.

[Waterbear]

I don't think I could handle negative emotions from her either to be honest, but she is careful with what she shoes and says and doesn't show that side of her if it is even there.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by stopdog

So as not to derail a different thread:
Do you want to know if the therapist is having a feeling of some sort when dealing with you? Does knowing their negative or positive feelings help you in any way? Do you believe the therapist or do you think they are acting/making it up for some point they want to make?
Multiple choice.

I voted, yes, so I would know how others might respond (can't recall the wording, exactly). And, yes, knowing their neg and pos feelings puts me in the here and now. I would hope knowing both would help me develop better ways of communicating in my other relationships. I may be wrong, but whether my T is being honest in their feelings or not, I believe they have a reason (point to make) that will ultimately help me.

[velcro003]

I put "sometimes," because I don't want her spouting feelings at me about her life or about me really, but if it was her expressing some feeling my to help me in some way, I wouldn't be against it. I am trying to think if my current T tells me her feelings.

She generally does not, but she often tells me stories from her past or current life, but they are not feeling-laden.

Originally Posted by Crocus

I don't know, so "other". I wouldn't know unless he told me, which would be out of character for him, so it would probably make me feel uncomfortable and as if he'd rebuked me. But I really don't know.

Actually, this is probably not true, but it's too late to remove the post so it'll have to stand.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Pennster

I find it useful sometimes if one of them has acted in a wacky way. Once my old therapist had been acting very strange- he told me later he had been angry with me. I very much regard it as his problem that he had been angry, and it didn't help all that much to be told that, but the useful aspect was that at least I had an explanation for it.

My current therapist also did something really stupid once, and when I brought it up to him a few months later (we had talked about it at the time as well), he explained what was going on in his brain (he was having a problem that had nothing to do with me but it had been distracting him). After I heard him own that I could just set it aside as a misstep based on his own stuff, so it no longer bothered me.

I guess I view it as useful as an explanation of weird behavior, but I'd prefer they keep a more even keel so it isn't necessary.

Hm, this is a good point. I think I'd want to know later to explain weird behavior, but not right at the time. For example, my T was acting really distant from me one session earlier this year, recommending hospitalization, even though she knew I wouldn't want that, and just acting kind of clinical toward me. In that case, I was concerned she was tired of dealing with me. We discussed it a week or two later, and she said she realized she may have been getting too close to me, so she thought she wasn't being objective. So she was trying to take a step back, but apparently went too far in that direction.

So with that, I prefer to have known what was really going on in her head, mainly because it wasn't something negative toward me. But, like, if she'd said, "Yeah, I really just get tired of dealing with you sometimes," then that would be hurtful, and I feel like I'd no longer feel safe with her.

I guess in my ideal world, no one, including T and marriage counselor, would ever be angry or disappointed in or frustrated with me. Part of this is because I'm incredibly hard on myself, so someone else feeling that way toward me just makes me feel worse...which, yes, is part of why I'm in therapy! And marriage counseling, because I have to be able to deal with H being annoyed with me or even furious with me at times.

But I feel like T and MC are more like safe places, where I don't have to worry about their emotions (they've told me this). If I'm afraid they'll be mad or disappointed in me, that might keep me from telling them about certain emotions or actions,

Possible trigger:

like self-harm or suicidal ideation

. And if I feel I can't be open with them, then what's the point? Plus, MC, for example, has said that transference (which I have for him and to some degree for T) can help you play out stuff that happened in the past but with a different, better ending. So maybe my dad would have been upset with something I said or did, but MC is OK with it.

I'm kind of rambling now, but hopefully this makes some sort of sense! It's like if I'm assuming the worst about what T or MC is thinking, then I'd rather know I'm wrong. Because, for example, that teaches me that my friend who didn't respond to my e-mail might just be busy rather than angry at me. Or, I might be afraid to reach out to H or a friend in the middle of the night if I'm feeling bad because I'm afraid they'll be annoyed that I bothered them. So by contacting MC late at night once, apologizing the next day, and him saying "no worries," I then think, "OK, maybe my friend (or H) wouldn't be mad at me either." I'll stop now...

[Victoria'smom]

I said maybe. The T that was afraid of me knowing that was no help. The T that got mad at me helped a lot. If a T doesn't like me in general I want them to transfer me.

[annielovesbacon]

I chose sometimes, if it does not detract from the appointment being about me. I was tempted to put yes, I want to have all parts of the T -- but that comes from my attachment, and I know that an attachment to a T is not healthy. So:
There are times when it's helpful for me to know what my T is feeling -- rare, but there are times.
But for the most part, I do not pay money to go to therapy so I can hear about my T's emotions, even if they are relevant to me.

My t always tells me what she is feeling about things I say or do. More often than not it is not helpful because I lose my trail of thought. Sometimes she will say that reminds of how I used to feel etc etc... And I am thinking that's nice but can we get back to what we were talking about.
Sometimes it has been positive to know that she actually does care because she will get angry for me or feels sadness when I don't.

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