[retro_chic]

So after taking a week off therapy, I decided that I missed T too much and wanted to go back to weekly sessions. It turns out that T is on leave next week so it was a good thing that I got to see her this week. Anyway, I digress. During the session I read T a bunch of things I had written down which included some questions that I had been avoiding asking. The questions were things like, do you like me, what do you think of me, when will I know that I don't need therapy anymore stuff like that. T and I talked about the questions and what they mean for me and that sort of thing but T never actually answered any of them. She is a psychodynamic T so I understand that not answering questions is kind of part that but it is really annoying.

I want T to hug me and tell me everything is okay. I just want her to reassure me and make everything better. I spoke to T about all of this too and while it was comforting to hear her understand and validate my feelings I know she still wont ever do any of those things that I want from her. I don't know how I am supposed to work through feeling this way. I'm trying really hard to develop a healthy attachment to T so that I can hopefully do the same in other relationships but I have no idea how. I am just so caught up in this obsession with T.

[Waterbear]

Hi Retro, I too would find that way of working so very frustrating and I know it would not work for me. I have a humanistic T and whilst she and I both acknowledge that she is not there to comfort me to make me feel better she will actually answer some of the questions that I have and does use touch with me and is starting to realise that having that internal voice modelled by her is healing for me in the long term, because that is what this is all about, long term healing, not short term comforting. I have asked my T if she will hold me while I cry to help me really feel the pain and know that someone is right there in it with me, and she had said that she will. I know the time isn't right for that yet but at least I know that we are working towards something that is possible, not impossible, because if I knew it was impossible, then I could not do all of this groundwork building trust and sharing myself first.

I found it interesting that you said you want her to make everything better. Realistically, I don't think this is what a T is there for, I don't think this should be a goal, and I wonder if you know that deep down, and that he part of you that wants that is whose voice was speaking then. Are you sure that psychodynamic therapy is right for you at the moment? I only say this because of the frustration that you seem to be experiencing. Humanistic believes that we as individuals know what we need in order to heal, and the T follows the clients lead on this, or maybe I am just lucky with my T.

I am so pleased for you that you managed to raise all of this with her and realisr that weekly is necessary for you right now, I hope that you can get this, at least.

As for forming a healthy attachment. I think it isn't something you can do on your own. It takes a T who us consistent, reliable, dependable, who meets our needs (what you seem to be lacking here) and who holds us as the main focus for the time. It takes someone who had boundaries but in a non rigid, non authoritarian way. Between me and my T we have come up with solutions to meet my needs that suit both of us, because it has to be sustainable for us both.

I hope this helps in some way, though I know it won't really help you in your current situation. Again, good for you for advocating for yourself, I hope you can continue in this vain.

Hi retro,
I understand your frustration. Needing reassurance is completely normal and in fact necessary. We need it from partners and from others to be able to trust and bond with them. It is part of developing a healthy attachment to another.
My t is from the humanistic branch of therapy. Just last week I said I felt like she was fed up with me and what I heard from her was she wanted to finish working with me, she didn't say either of these but I interpreted then that way. As I told t this she said Mona would you like to check with me if these are true? I said I wasn't sure because it would hurt if they were true. T said she understood that and that neither was true. She said would you like me to explain more? She went on to reassure me that she liked working with me and if and when the time came to terminate that it would be my decision and her only hope is that we both do it respectfully.
If she had of refused to reassure me or met me as a blank slate I would have terminated there and then. I need to be able to check with my t where we stand and if what I am feeling is understandable and she meets it. My mother never validated and reassured me, this caused my insecure attachment to others so by my t reassuring me it is reparative and healing. A baby looks into its mothers eyes for reassurance and guidance and if they don't get it they feel abandoned and betrayed.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

Hi Retro, I too would find that way of working so very frustrating and I know it would not work for me. I have a humanistic T and whilst she and I both acknowledge that she is not there to comfort me to make me feel better she will actually answer some of the questions that I have and does use touch with me and is starting to realise that having that internal voice modelled by her is healing for me in the long term, because that is what this is all about, long term healing, not short term comforting. I have asked my T if she will hold me while I cry to help me really feel the pain and know that someone is right there in it with me, and she had said that she will. I know the time isn't right for that yet but at least I know that we are working towards something that is possible, not impossible, because if I knew it was impossible, then I could not do all of this groundwork building trust and sharing myself first.

I found it interesting that you said you want her to make everything better. Realistically, I don't think this is what a T is there for, I don't think this should be a goal, and I wonder if you know that deep down, and that he part of you that wants that is whose voice was speaking then. Are you sure that psychodynamic therapy is right for you at the moment? I only say this because of the frustration that you seem to be experiencing. Humanistic believes that we as individuals know what we need in order to heal, and the T follows the clients lead on this, or maybe I am just lucky with my T.

I am so pleased for you that you managed to raise all of this with her and realisr that weekly is necessary for you right now, I hope that you can get this, at least.

As for forming a healthy attachment. I think it isn't something you can do on your own. It takes a T who us consistent, reliable, dependable, who meets our needs (what you seem to be lacking here) and who holds us as the main focus for the time. It takes someone who had boundaries but in a non rigid, non authoritarian way. Between me and my T we have come up with solutions to meet my needs that suit both of us, because it has to be sustainable for us both.

I hope this helps in some way, though I know it won't really help you in your current situation. Again, good for you for advocating for yourself, I hope you can continue in this vain.

Thank you for the reply!
I understand why T didn't really answer any of my questions as they were difficult ones to answer particularly the "do you like me" one because I told T that if she said she that she didn't like me I would quit and if she said she did like me I probably wouldn't believe her. Basically it was a lose-lose situation for her. The fact that this T seems to understand me the best out of all the Ts I've seen and never judges me or acts surprised by the things I say is very comforting. Unfortunately that comfort just doesn't seem to be enough sometimes. I know I need to seek comfort from other people in my life but I'm just not ready to do that yet.

I think psychodynamic therapy is working much better for me than CBT and ACT which I have tried in the past. I have been much more open with this T than any of the others. I do find that this type of therapy brings up much more transference though and I think that is what I am struggling with the most right now. From what I have been reading though, working through these feelings is often very rewarding so I am hoping that one day this hard work will pay off.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Hi retro,
I understand your frustration. Needing reassurance is completely normal and in fact necessary. We need it from partners and from others to be able to trust and bond with them. It is part of developing a healthy attachment to another.
My t is from the humanistic branch of therapy. Just last week I said I felt like she was fed up with me and what I heard from her was she wanted to finish working with me, she didn't say either of these but I interpreted then that way. As I told t this she said Mona would you like to check with me if these are true? I said I wasn't sure because it would hurt if they were true. T said she understood that and that neither was true. She said would you like me to explain more? She went on to reassure me that she liked working with me and if and when the time came to terminate that it would be my decision and her only hope is that we both do it respectfully.
If she had of refused to reassure me or met me as a blank slate I would have terminated there and then. I need to be able to check with my t where we stand and if what I am feeling is understandable and she meets it. My mother never validated and reassured me, this caused my insecure attachment to others so by my t reassuring me it is reparative and healing. A baby looks into its mothers eyes for reassurance and guidance and if they don't get it they feel abandoned and betrayed.

Thank you for this!

I have told T before that I am afraid that she will leave me (my previous two Ts left) and she did reassure me that she was not planing on going anywhere but of course she can't predict the future so there is always a small chance things could change. My T is also very good at validating my feelings (something my Mother often did not do also) but I think it is physical comfort that I want the most. I hate feeling so needy.

[runlola72]

Hi Retro... I just had a conversation with T yesterday asking some of the same questions. I feel so needy I can't stand it. We are trialing a week with no contact (unless I have a dream, which I can send him). I asked him in a round about way if he liked me, and he said he does, because "I care and I try". Which to me seemed hokey and generic, I was hoping for "because you're a thoughtful, intelligent, good person who I feel protective of, because you've been through a lot" . Anyway... Just wanted to say I feel ya. This attachment stuff is tough, especially if we didn't get it early on...

[Chummy2]

I have the same with PrevT. I never asked her ''do you like me'' or questions like that. I'm too afraid for the answer or that she will say that she can't answer that question. Instead I just express my concerns like ''I'm afraid you have enough of me''. But that doesn't give me answer because she then doesn't say something like ''I don't have enough of you''. And she also talks a bit around the subject if it's about me and her.
(She isn't a psychodynamic T.)

I also want a hug from her. Not every time or so. I just want to feel how it feels. I never had the courage to ask her, but I have said that I would like her to give me her hug. But on that she didn't reacted. I don't want her to make everything better, because I know she can't. But she could make things between us better, or at least help to make it better. By being honest and more open about her, about our ''relation''.

I don't have a healthy attachment to her. Once it was healthy, but now it's damaging for me. It's a bit obsessive. I think about her more than anything else in my life. If I think about her and it are hurting thoughts (she doesn't like me, she doesn't want me) then I get depressive and I don't care about anything. Nothing is important.
She isn't my current T anymore, because 6 months ago she went on leave and I had to transfer to another T. Now PrevT is back. I'm now in grouptherapy which is being lead by current T. I'll have at least 5 sessions with PrevT to work out this attachment and my anger and other feelings towards her.
Current T says that it's important to figure this out because it can also happen in other relationships. But I doubt that because it has never happened before.

I also have no idea how I get out of this unhealthy attachment, this obsession. I can tell you how me and current T have make a begin on this. She's a schema therapist.
You have the 'healthy adult'. > she used to be a good T, I don't think she hates me (I hope).
'Vulnerable child' > she feel angry, but also sad, abandoned. What she readlly need is to be seen.
'Demanding parent' > she has enough of me, she isn't interested in me.
Protectors (what you do to not feel/think) > I use avoidance, but I have also an angry protector, how could she just go 6 months without emailing me once to check in how I'm doing, and somethimg a bully/attacker, like sending an angry email.

This is a little bit of my schema. From there we going to work furthur. I don't know how. I don't know I get out of this attachment.

Maybe this can help you too? Maybe it can help you to get a little bit more insight in why you're so attached?
I also don't think you can work this out without your T. PrevT has been gone for 6 months and I've talked to current T about all my issues about her, but in those 6 months it hasn't changed.

[Bipolarchic14]

It is dangerous to have an attachment tear therapist. I hate being reliant on other people. I know how you feel. Hopefully you're able to Work through it.