[stopdog]

Do you or would you reassure or give positive feedback to the therapist you hire? If you do, do you know why?
Do you have the desire to give them positive feedback or want to make them feel good about themselves and how they do therapy at you?

I don't and do not, but the idea came up in another thread and I was wondering if others had a different take on it.

I am not going to reassure a therapist. I figure if she is feeling bad or uncertain - good - she probably should be doing so.
I did tell the woman if anything she said or did anything that was ever useful, I would let her know. But when I tried to tell her that her staying back was the one thing she managed to do well, she got defensive. Luckily nothing else has come up, but if it did, I probably would not bother trying again.

She did one time say, being sarcastic, "heaven forbid I feel good about my job" - I was like "what are you going on about?" - The woman makes no more sense to me than I do to her.

I keep showing up and handing her money. I don't know why I would need or want to do anything more than that.

[Waterbear]

Yes. If she knows what is working then it helps us both. If she believed that we are working well together there is more chance that she will continue this even when progress is visibly slow.

[atisketatasket]

No. If they ask how I think they're doing, I will tell them, or if they screw something up, I will let them know.

In my opinion, placating the therapist by reassuring them like they were a preschooler that they're doing a good job or making them feel good about themselves so you'll stay on their good side is a) not the point of the therapy relationship, b) kind of manipulative, and c) for some clients probably replicates the relationships they have in real life, so, again, not the point of the therapy relationship as well as stymieing any improvement by the client.

If a client has a therapist who seems to need reassurance, I would advise the client to run. That's a therapist using therapy for their own therapy.

Eta: is there a poll with this?

[Myrto]

Absolutely not. I wouldn't give them positive feeedback because, well, that's what they're being paid for. To not suck. I also don't see WHY a therapist would need reassurance. They have their own therapist for that.

[unaluna]

I like to let them know what particular things they do, work or dont work for me. I let them know if i find something pleasing or irritating. Not so much to reassure them as to simply communicate with them regarding our shared space?

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Eta: is there a poll with this?

No - could not think of poll responses beyond yes or no that would not result in bringing wrath down upon me. Feel free to create one in another thread and I will see about closing this one, if you like

On occasion...when I sense I hit a fragile or vulnerable area with him. It's hard to tell with him though.

[here today]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

No. If they ask how I think they're doing, I will tell them, or if they screw something up, I will let them know.

In my opinion, placating the therapist by reassuring them like they were a preschooler that they're doing a good job or making them feel good about themselves so you'll stay on their good side is a) not the point of the therapy relationship, b) kind of manipulative, and c) for some clients probably replicates the relationships they have in real life, so, again, not the point of the therapy relationship as well as stymieing any improvement by the client.
. . .

Yes, I did replicate the relationship I had with my family. No therapist ever called me on it and I lacked a solid/strong enough sense of self to do otherwise. If it was "manipulative" it was automatic and had been developed for survival, not other reasons of personal gain.

[Argonautomobile]

I say something nice to/about my T in probably 70-80% of our sessions. Usually it's something like, "That's a really good idea," or, "That's a much more diplomatic way of putting it--thanks." Sometimes it's more detailed or personal, like, "I appreciate your patience," or, "X was an excellent intervention." He's never seemed to preen under it in any way that freaks me out or makes me feel obligated to make him feel better. Certainly he doesn't seem needy for compliments or reassurance--I would not see a therapist like that--but who knows? Maybe he's just good at hiding it.

[stopdog]

Why do you do it? Do you know?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

I say something nice to/about my T in probably 70-80% of our sessions. Usually it's something like, "That's a really good idea," or, "That's a much more diplomatic way of putting it--thanks." Sometimes it's more detailed or personal, like, "I appreciate your patience," or, "X was an excellent intervention." He's never seemed to preen under it in any way that freaks me out or makes me feel obligated to make him feel better. Certainly he doesn't seem needy for compliments or reassurance--I would not see a therapist like that--but who knows? Maybe he's just good at hiding it.

This is a good point. At the beginning of my time with current t, i was trying to learn to be more positive with other people in general.

[nottrustin]

I have never felt the need to reassure here. That would just be weird. I do offer positive feedback when appropriate. At the end of every session I thank her for being there (and being safe). When we have worked through something particularly painful I have sent her a tank you card.

Originally Posted by stopdog

Why do you do it? Do you know?

It comes from my heart. It feels like a loving thing to do.
On the other hand, he's not very reassuring with me, so it makes it seems like he has no feelings of affection for me.

It just seems like a natural thing to do when you care, though I realize people have different ways of showing care.

[stopdog]

The idea came from this article posted on a different thread by someone else:
http://homepages.3-c.coop/erthworks/power.pdf

"The client’s dependence on the counsellor or therapist is obvious. But the therapist is equally dependent on the client: not only (in private practice) for their money, but also and perhaps even more importantly for their positive feedback. O ering therapy is a very scary and insecure experience, even if we have been doing it so long that we aren’t often conscious of the scariness; and we need our clients to appreciate what we are doing, to value us, like us - even to admire us. Some practitioners instead deal with the anxiety of the therapist’s role by despising and denigrating their unfortunate clients."

[songofthesea]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Do you or would you reassure or give positive feedback to the therapist you hire? If you do, do you know why?
Do you have the desire to give them positive feedback or want to make them feel good about themselves and how they do therapy at you?

I don't and do not, but the idea came up in another thread and I was wondering if others had a different take on it.

I am not going to reassure a therapist. I figure if she is feeling bad or uncertain - good - she probably should be doing so.
I did tell the woman if anything she said or did anything that was ever useful, I would let her know. But when I tried to tell her that her staying back was the one thing she managed to do well, she got defensive. Luckily nothing else has come up, but if it did, I probably would not bother trying again.

She did one time say, being sarcastic, "heaven forbid I feel good about my job" - I was like "what are you going on about?" - The woman makes no more sense to me than I do to her.

I keep showing up and handing her money. I don't know why I would need or want to do anything more than that.

It sounds like some countertransference issues? It sounds like you paid her a backhanded compliment. Maybe it says something about how you have been treated in the past - the kind of praise / insults you have received, and how she feels - insulted, unworthy, useless, is a reflection of how you felt then, but you have since internalised it? I've also told my therapist that I don't know that it's helpful, but I've said that it's "not unhelpful" and he replied that he'd quite like to have more of an impact than that.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Why do you do it? Do you know?

I'm very free with compliments in general. Well, not heartfelt ones--I don't stare anybody (let alone my therapist) in the eye and make them believe whatever nice thing I'm saying about them. But if someone has a good idea, said something interesting, has a nice scarf, etc., it's automatic for me to point it out. I think positive reinforcement is, in general, a useful tool that people respond positively to, and I use it a lot as a teacher--many of my students have struggled academically, have low confidence, and it is absolutely shocking the difference that a positive or reassuring comment can make.

Why this would translate to my T is an interesting question, though. Maybe it's just habit, maybe he's oozing some sort of insecure vibe just below conscious awareness.

ETA: My T is also pretty free with positive reinforcement--again, not heartfelt (eww)--so that probably has something to do with it. Sessions occasionally devolve into a parody of polite conversation (thank you--no, thank you) and must be put back on course.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by unaluna

This is a good point. At the beginning of my time with current t, i was trying to learn to be more positive with other people in general.

Finding something positive about other people is a skill, for sure. I find practicing it improves my outlook on life.

[stopdog]

I agree that being positive with real people is usually a good way to go.
It is therapists specifically though that I wonder about.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

Finding something positive about other people is a skill, for sure. I find practicing it improves my outlook on life.

Sure...but why the need to do it with a therapist?

[Argonautomobile]

Maybe it's just the way my mother raised me.

[awkwardlyyours]

I don't *want* to reassure Ts but I have ended up doing it -- a LOT with former T before things got really bad between us (maybe partly that's why).

I know it's part of my set of issues -- basically if I even slightly sense (and this is really a deep-seated almost unconscious, although I'm now much more aware if it) response to someone not completely liking / accepting me and being even slightly hostile / irritated / frustrated / impatient with me. It almost feels like an intense physical discomfort for me to not try to placate them somehow.

With former T, right from the first session, I felt like she was somewhat dismissive, angry and impatient with me. It sounds bizarre that I stuck it out and kept going back but basically there was such an intense sweetness in the familiarity of making myself vulnerable to someone like that, that I just couldn't walk away. I also have a history of being involved with women who have severe anger issues (by the reckoning of others) -- so yeah, perfect storm etc.

I didn't though immediately start reassuring former T -- I started doing that when she'd get visibly irritated at my asking her questions about therapy, telling her about stuff I read etc. Thanking her or starting a session with acknowledging stuff she'd said previously -- for a while -- made her much calmer (she'd visibly smile -- a big event!) and not prone to get irritated with me. Of course, I also stopped telling her stuff that seemed to set her off (asking questions about therapy or mentioning stuff I read etc).

We very briefly talked about it towards the end -- she said that she had no idea I had any issues with her in the first few months because I'd thanked her etc. I told her that I'd done so because I thought she was angry at me -- so, of course, she said that was my "stuff" and my dysfunctional / messed-up responses (which I totally conceded of course).

I know exactly how this reads and I cringe even as I say it but here's the thing -- I couldn't have stopped the behavior a year ago because it felt physically painful almost to not do it, given my dynamic with her. And yes, if that's how I felt, I should've left a long time ago but other than my pathology, I also had logistical reasons for not leaving earlier.

Ironically, in leaving former T, I finally feel like I'm much more capable of not getting into a dynamic like that again -- I may never have a perfectly healthy response to others' anger but I know that I can at least avoid ever surrounding myself with intimate relationships which recreate that messed-up dynamic.

With current T then, I'm sure while we'll have some issues / arguments / disagreements etc, I just don't feel like that weird dynamic will ever get recreated -- because, she has a very different (much less reactive to my stuff) personality and way of relating to me which almost has me feeling like I can breathe freely (in a way that it seemed I never could with former T).

So yeah, the short answer is that I don't want to or will reassure every T -- but, I have done so in the past when somehow there seemed to be a neat / perfect dysfunctional "fit" between us which brought out my crappy behaviors in full technicolor.

[stopdog]

Well, I do hear people telling siri or the Amazon echo "thank you" after telling it to play a song or turn a light on or off. So I can see how such ingrained training can be a challenge to overcome.

I give him feedback on the things he does that are helpful. It's not to reassure him though, it's because I want him to do that stuff more often!

[eskielover]

My current psychologist has such a wonderful way of TEACHING & I have learned so much in just the few years of going to her (started off as my DBT group leader while I had another wonderful psychologist then that psychologist retired & my DBT group leader became my psychologist along with the leader of the "Next Step" DBT group I still go to once in awhile.

Honestly she is so outstanding compared to all the other T's I've had since 1994 that I let her know that I appreciate her teaching technique & she knows & has acknowledged herself how far I've come in the time since starting with this group. My compliments have nothing to do with any reassurance, but it has everything to do with my heart felt thanks for the teaching & positive effect that she has had on my life. It's a wonderful feeling to be at the point of integrating the past with the present & being able to understand why I reacted the way I did & how much the DBT knowledge I've learned has helped my mind form better ways of reacting in the now (even at the age of 63). We both share the joy that I'm experiencing with the positive effect that her teaching techniques have had on my life. Nine years ago, I never imagined I would ever be at this point in my life even though leaving my H at that point in time was making a huge difference even without therapy but with the quality therapy I have had here, it's made an amazing difference.......& when I'm really happy about something I want to acknowledge to her my appreciation.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Sure...but why the need to do it with a therapist?

Why the need to exclude someone? Calling them "those people" cost Ross Perot the election, among other things, but that was a biggie. Saying they are not really people, they are trained not to have feelings - it smacks of racism, to be frank. Or any other ism. Needing to have an other to blame, to belittle. Its disheartening. And yes it hurts to read it on here all the time. Because who is next? Who are you coming after next?