[retro_chic]

So T and I were talking about this last session and I can't quite figure out why it is so important that she likes me. I know it is fairly normal to want people to like you but I feel like this is going a bit beyond that. I've been thinking about it a lot and I still can't figure out why I am so obsessed with seeking T's approval and getting her to like me.

The only thing I can really come up with is that this could be something to do with the fact that I tend to view T as an idealised mother figure. I often feel like my own mother doesn't understand me and that I/my feelings are "wrong" somehow. Maybe I think if T likes me and approves of me then my feelings (and me in general) will be seen as okay? I don't know if that makes sense - it is very hard to explain.

We invest all our own qualities into someone else and think it's them we need to like us. If we take back what we've given away, we own our own worth.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

We invest all our own qualities into someone else and think it's them we need to like us. If we take back what we've given away, we own our own worth.

Sorry to sound dense, but do you mean that what I really want is to like myself rather than rely on others for self worth? If so, that is definitely something I am trying to work on in therapy but there is still a long way to go!

[Teddy:)]

I struggle with this too and have also had numerous discussion with T regarding it. Personally I think it comes from a deep seeded need or longing to feel valued and to kind of feel a sense belonging, to be special and matter to someone. I know with my T I want to feel special and important because I fear I will be abandoned if I'm not so I always have to get reassurance through asking T if I matter. I think it all stems from not receiving or internalized these feelings as a child.
Sometimes I also wonder if because I long for T to be my mother I also see it as a chance to rectify the past even though this isn't possible.

Do you find you get kind of jealous of other people who see your T? I do, I find it's like I'm a child who's mother just went and held another kid. I feel rejected and at times I feel like throwing a tantrum to get her attention back- its so immature and stupid but I can't help it!

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by retro_chic

So T and I were talking about this last session and I can't quite figure out why it is so important that she likes me. I know it is fairly normal to want people to like you but I feel like this is going a bit beyond that. I've been thinking about it a lot and I still can't figure out why I am so obsessed with seeking T's approval and getting her to like me.

The only thing I can really come up with is that this could be something to do with the fact that I tend to view T as an idealised mother figure. I often feel like my own mother doesn't understand me and that I/my feelings are "wrong" somehow. Maybe I think if T likes me and approves of me then my feelings (and me in general) will be seen as okay? I don't know if that makes sense - it is very hard to explain.

Makes sense to me that you might see t as a mother figure. And that you would want her approval. I want approval from my ts.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by Teddy:)

I struggle with this too and have also had numerous discussion with T regarding it. Personally I think it comes from a deep seeded need or longing to feel valued and to kind of feel a sense belonging, to be special and matter to someone. I know with my T I want to feel special and important because I fear I will be abandoned if I'm not so I always have to get reassurance through asking T if I matter. I think it all stems from not receiving or internalized these feelings as a child.
Sometimes I also wonder if because I long for T to be my mother I also see it as a chance to rectify the past even though this isn't possible.

Do you find you get kind of jealous of other people who see your T? I do, I find it's like I'm a child who's mother just went and held another kid. I feel rejected and at times I feel like throwing a tantrum to get her attention back- its so immature and stupid but I can't help it!

I definitely think my fear of abandonment plays a big roll in my need for T to like me. I too get jealous of T's other clients and I have spoken to T about it as well as my fear of abandonment and it is something we continue to work on. Hopefully I'll be able to get past it one day.

[Soccer mom]

I had the exact feelings with my ex-T. But, ironically, I didn't realize that I was trying to get her to like me or felt she didn't. I worried that she was judging me and I would find myself outside of session wondering if she would like something I was buying or something I was doing.

With my new T., I don't have that feeling at all. BUT, she has told me (and I can tell she means it) that she fully accepts me and has pointed out positive traits that I have. My ex-T. would never do that. I once told her that I can't tell if she likes me or not and she asked "how would you know". Perhaps she was just trying to see what I needed to see it, but I thought "oh no, I may misinterpret anything and won't really know".

I also don't feel this way with others. It was just my ex-T. I think her way of practicing therapy (asking lots of questions but not helping me with answers) and her actions fed this feeling of not being accepted. It's a horrible place to be in and very difficult when you FEEL that way but the person is telling you otherwise. There's got to be something she's doing that triggers it even if it's small.

[guilloche]

It makes sense to me (and isn't it pretty normal?) that you'd want your T to like you. Usually, we're sharing really private, vulnerable stuff with our Ts.

How (and why?) would you share that type of stuff with someone that you felt didn't like you?

To me, if I felt like a T didn't like me, I'd be more worried about them judging me, and I tend to think that someone judging me for something that I've shared (even if they're not sharing that judgement with me) isn't going to be able to empathize or help much.

[LucyG]

I've always been concerned that doctors of any sort like me as I believe the quality of care you receive is indirectly related to how well they like you. That might not be true, but I think it is.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I had the exact feelings with my ex-T. But, ironically, I didn't realize that I was trying to get her to like me or felt she didn't. I worried that she was judging me and I would find myself outside of session wondering if she would like something I was buying or something I was doing.

With my new T., I don't have that feeling at all. BUT, she has told me (and I can tell she means it) that she fully accepts me and has pointed out positive traits that I have. My ex-T. would never do that. I once told her that I can't tell if she likes me or not and she asked "how would you know". Perhaps she was just trying to see what I needed to see it, but I thought "oh no, I may misinterpret anything and won't really know".

I also don't feel this way with others. It was just my ex-T. I think her way of practicing therapy (asking lots of questions but not helping me with answers) and her actions fed this feeling of not being accepted. It's a horrible place to be in and very difficult when you FEEL that way but the person is telling you otherwise. There's got to be something she's doing that triggers it even if it's small.

Thanks for your reply!
I can honestly say that my T isn't really doing anything to trigger me. I have felt this way with both my previous Ts just not as strongly because I didn't feel as connected to them (the more I like someone the more I want them to like me back). I also feel this way with friends, co-workers etc. Being of a psychodynamic background, my T doesn't always answer my questions directly. When I asked her if she liked me she asked what it would mean if she did or did not like me. I said if she didn't like me I would quit but if she said she did like me I probably wouldn't believe her. It was really a lose-lose situation for my T!

Despite this, my T has told me it is okay for me to talk about literally anything I want and she has never judged me which is helping me to slowly trust her but I guess I still have some way to go with that.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by guilloche

It makes sense to me (and isn't it pretty normal?) that you'd want your T to like you. Usually, we're sharing really private, vulnerable stuff with our Ts.

How (and why?) would you share that type of stuff with someone that you felt didn't like you?

To me, if I felt like a T didn't like me, I'd be more worried about them judging me, and I tend to think that someone judging me for something that I've shared (even if they're not sharing that judgement with me) isn't going to be able to empathize or help much.

Thanks for the reply!

It is true that I wouldn't share personal things with T if I thought she didn't like me but the fact that I have some doubts about that does cause me to hold back sometimes. I am beginning to trust her more and the logical part of my brain knows that if she really could not stand me she would not have agreed to (and continue to) work with me.