So...my T and I have had a hard road the past year. I switch a lot in session, so this past year has been foggy for me. My T has said she cares about me; she even said recently she would love me no matter what. However, I am incredibly hurt by something she said the last time I saw her. I'm on break because I'm having surgery soon and go back later this month.

This past session I was watching the clock. She told me the session before I was doing that too. She said she asked me if there was anything else I wanted to talk about. I apparently became angry. I don't remember this because I had switched by that point. Well, this week I wasn't angry obviously, for I had not switched. She asked me why I watched the clock. I told her I was seeing how much time I have left. She brought up something about me wanting to be there. Well, yeah, I do want to be there because it's the only place my head doesn't go bonkers with thoughts. I admitted I like to be the one deciding to leave so I have control. She added so I don't feel hurt, which she's right about. However, this is where the hurtful part came in. All of a sudden she says, "I don't want you to be uncomfortable. I'd rather you read your s**t and leave." She means my trauma writing.

I was flabbergasted. I didn't know what to do or say. I just sat there stunned. I wanted to cry but didn't. I asked her why she was calling my trauma that. She responded, "Because I have a potty mouth." She also said she is angry with my mother for not doing her job as a mother with me, but I don't know how that fits into this situation. There was something else too, but I can't remember what else she said. She asked me if I would forgive her, and I responded, "Yeah, I guess." As I left, she watched me walk out and turned her head away when I locked eyes with her.

I am more hurt than I thought. I guess the impact took longer from shock. She's cursed before in session, which I don't care about, but she's never called my trauma s**t. It feels like she called me s**t, and I say how I feel like a piece of s**t in session sometimes. She always says that's not true, but how am I supposed to believe her now? Im on break for surgery and this is just a lot to bare. I don't trust others because if being raised in an environment where I was badly abused. Now the person I told EVERYTHING calls it s**t? What the heck am I supposed to do with that?

[CantExplain]

I think she owes you an explanation. I hope this is a misunderstanding, because if not, she's unworthy to be a therapist.

[growlycat]

It seems really careless to me that she would use a swear word linked to your trauma. The anger at your mom seems reasonable but the "trauma/s" language would be confusing to me too. She owes you clarity. I hope you can tell her how all of this felt hurtful.

[atisketatasket]

She knows she messed up, sounds like. I'd bring it up.

Wow, does your t have a split personality ? I don't mean to be rude but WTF? There is no reasonable explanation for that. Where I come from if you say your **** you are implying that the **** is their rubbish, their mess. I am absolutely disgusted that your t could say that about your trauma so casually. I am wondering if she is ok in the head because the only way I can get my head around a t saying that so casually is if they lost their sanity for a moment.
Do you think you could talk to her more about it because she owes you a huge explanation for this because for me this would be unforgivable!

Thank you for your answers. They are much appreciated. Yeah, I'm definitely going to speak with her about this. It just doesn't make sense. Period. It feels so cold and heartless to say. I don't understand, but hopefully she can explain.

I have come to believe that how they really feel about us usually comes out. That's disgusting that she let that out.

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

I have come to believe that how they really feel about us usually comes out. That's disgusting that she let that out.

I've thought about this possibility. How she really believes I'm a piece of s**t even though she has always said differently. How she was only lying. This possibility hurts worse than anything else.

Originally Posted by AmethystFaery

I've thought about this possibility. How she really believes I'm a piece of s**t even though she has always said differently. How she was only lying. This possibility hurts worse than anything else.

I doubt that's it. Some people use the word s*** to mean 'stuff'. She quite possibly slipped out of professional language for a moment without thinking about the consequences.
It's a very bad error which she needs to rectify, but I wouldn't take it as evidence she thinks like that about you.

[atisketatasket]

I'm kind of interested in what she said between the bit about your mother and asking you if you could forgive her. Seems like there might be something key, like an explanation or an apology, in there.

[here today]

Sounds like she definitely lost it.

[kecanoe]

Were you feeling really switchy? I know that sometimes I totally misunderstand people when I am switching a lot. For me, just her using profanity would be triggering.

Is there a way you can see her or talk on the phone before your surgery? I think it would be hard to sit with this for a month.

[junkDNA]

that sounds really, painfully insensitive. do you think you can talk to her about it? i would be upset if my T said that... i think anyone would. she has to know that it was inappropriate... otherwise shes just a dumbass

Originally Posted by kecanoe

Were you feeling really switchy? I know that sometimes I totally misunderstand people when I am switching a lot. For me, just her using profanity would be triggering.

Is there a way you can see her or talk on the phone before your surgery? I think it would be hard to sit with this for a month.

No, I was not feeling switchy in this particular session. After she had word vomit, I sat there stunned, unsure of what to say.

My surgery was rescheduled earlier than originally planned, so I am returning to therapy earlier than later this month. I have spoken to her on the photo me but not about this issue. I will be bringing it up in my next session. Thank for your feedback.

Originally Posted by junkDNA

that sounds really, painfully insensitive. do you think you can talk to her about it? i would be upset if my T said that... i think anyone would. she has to know that it was inappropriate... otherwise shes just a dumbass

Yes, it was painful to hear and feel the emotions afterward. I will be speaking with her about this issue and clarifying my feelings on the situation to her. Thank you for your feedback.

[itisnt]

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

I have come to believe that how they really feel about us usually comes out. That's disgusting that she let that out.

Sadly, I agree that this is often the case with many therapists in the U.S. Reason? I think that a lot of people go into this profession wounded and totally clueless, meaning they are unprepared or aware of the depth of harm they can do with the words they speaks off-the-cuff or casually. Many of these individuals are good students (in other words, they know how to read and take tests), but they lack the deep understanding, intellectual and commitment to learn and grow emotionally and intellectually in this profession. They don't seem to truly understand how tenuous and important a therapeutic relationship truly is and how much how they act will effect how that relationship develops. They seem too eager to blame or find fault with their clients rather than examining how they have contributed to the difficulties that inevitably develop in such a close and emotional relationship.

I hope that you, the OP, are able to talk openly with your T about how much her comment has hurt you and how it has stayed with you over time--when a comment stays with us for a while and we turn it over and over in our head trying to make sense of it, it means that something traumatic happened and has effected us in a negative way. Good luck!