[speckofdust]

Sorry to post this, but I'm trying to calm myself by writing this out. I decided to quit seeing my art therapist because I'm too depressed to be creative right now, and I don't want to keep wasting everyone's time when I'm beyond saving. Sessions with her have been more like regular therapy, and I have a different T for that. I've only been AT's client for 10 weeks.

I emailed AT yesterday to cancel the scheduled appointment for today. That also happened to be the last one we had on the calendar. I don't feel like I can truly be helped as at is, and I definitely haven't been feeling like art therapy would rescue me. I thought she would at least acknowledge my email so I'd know the appt. was canceled and I wouldn't be charged for not cancelling. I didn't hear from her, and then I got the reminder email and text for the appt.

I called her late in the evening thinking I could just leave her a voice mail telling her to check her email. But, she answered. So, I asked her if she got my email, and she said she did. She was supposedly going to call me, but I called before she had a chance. She said she'd like to see me to wrap things up. It is extremely difficult for me to say no, so I agreed. She did say that I didn't have to, but she thought it would be a good idea.

Now, I'm on the verge of a panic attack and can't sleep because I'm worried about what the session is going to be like. In all honesty, I want to quit working with her because I want to quit all therapy. I don't believe anyone can help me. I already know what I need to do, and I'm set on it when the time comes. I want to distance myself from both therapists so I don't cause them any problems later. And I don't want them to do anything to try to "help" me.

Now I have to go face her in person tomorrow. I need to hold to my position with her that I don't believe creativity blocks are my main issue right now. I don't want to tell her any other reasons. But, I am weak in the face of personal interaction, and I don't want to lie. I just wish I could have told her on the phone that I wasn't going back.

I have to end with T at some point, too. I know that's going to be even harder because I've been seeing her for almost two years and I have a much stronger connection with her.

Vent session over. Hope I can get a couple of hours of sleep...

[kecanoe]

I hope you are sleeping now. For me, I think I would spend the whole session trying not to say whatever I was holding back and it might just be easier to blurt it out at the beginning. After all, you will never see her again.

[speckofdust]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

I hope you are sleeping now. For me, I think I would spend the whole session trying not to say whatever I was holding back and it might just be easier to blurt it out at the beginning. After all, you will never see her again.

I did get a couple of hours of sleep. Thanks! My worry is that my therapist(s) will talk me into continuing therapy, and that I will end up saying more than I want to. I'm going to do my best to not give in.

[t0rtureds0ul]

My experience is that if the T really wants to find out something, they have the ways and means to do so- no matter how determined you are!

[itisnt]

I truly believe that there is always a part of us that holds the belief that we can be helped or supported. If we are truly set and firm about our feeling of helplessness, we would remain firm and refuse all help or support. I think that perhaps the positive, hopeful part of you, no matter how small or beaten down it is, responded to your T's request that you come in for a final session. I hope you go and are able to talk, allow the negative, defeated part of you talk and vent about what's going on. This appointment might actually be an opening or an opportunity, rather than a shut down and final good bye. You never know until you actually experience it. Good luck and I hope it turns out the way you want it to.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by speckofdust

Now, I'm on the verge of a panic attack and can't sleep because I'm worried about what the session is going to be like. In all honesty, I want to quit working with her because I want to quit all therapy. I don't believe anyone can help me. I already know what I need to do, and I'm set on it when the time comes. I want to distance myself from both therapists so I don't cause them any problems later. And I don't want them to do anything to try to "help" me.

What do you need to do? Doesn't sound like it's something good, positive, or healthy.

I don't think pushing your support away is the answer.

[speckofdust]

I didn't have a way to indicate triggers using my phone to post, so I tried to "talk around" the subject. It is what you probably surmised.

[ScarletPimpernel]

For triggers (without the added space): [trigger] [/ trigger]

You know that it isn't the answer. I've been having SUI thoughts recently too. They're bad enough that I've been having to take Ativan to get through the worst. I also feel like not seeing my T. I feel like nothing is going to fix this. But my T told me to just hang in there, that the thoughts will pass, they always have.

You probably need your Ts more right now than you did before. Talk to them. Tell them what's going on.

And by the way, art therapy isn't just about being creative. You can draw stick figures and still utilize art therapy. It's about expressing your thoughts and emotions via a different means than talking. You should go to therapy and draw out your SUI thoughts. Paint in all black. Have anger? Throw in some red. Or pain or depression.... Let it all out. Scream it on your canvas.

[speckofdust]

I'll just post my summary of this final appointment with AT here - normally I'd put it in the "In Session Today" thread:

Last time, AT gave me homework. It was a spin-off of something that we discussed in that session. She asked me what advice I'd give a friend who was feeling stuck - like there are no options. I said I wouldn't be a good person to ask for advice on that since I can't even figure it out for myself. I said I'd be in the same boat. So the homework was to draw a boat with me in it. I wasn't going to do it because I didn't think I'd see her again. But, after speaking with her last night and agreeing to come in for the wrap-up session, I drew it at work today.

I showed the drawing to her, which was exactly what she had asked me to do - draw a boat (it was brown - like made of wood - a row boat or canoe type). I am not artistically gifted, so I did a sort of stick figure to represent me. I put some water under the boat. AT started asking me questions about where the boat was (what type of body of water), where it was going, if I wanted anyone else to be in the boat. I told her I had drawn it based on what she had instructed me to do, so it was just me, and I really hadn't thought about anything beyond that.

On the spot, I drew in one other person - that friend she'd brought up last week. Then, I added a box of wine (which I said was grape juice after she said she didn't condone drinking) and two glasses. She asked a few more questions - where were we going in the boat, what could I control and not control about it, which one of us would paddle, etc. Then, she asked what I'd do if the boat sprung a leak. I said I'd use the glasses to bail the water while the other person paddled like hell to get us to land. If we couldn't make it, we would get out and swim. AT asked how this all could be related to my life. I said that one should always have back up plans and use them as needed - i.e. what to do if the boat started taking on water. AT said that those were options, and that we are presented with options many times a day. I agreed. She wanted to be sure I knew there were options.

She took a picture of the drawing and gave me back all the drawings she still had from previous sessions. Then she gave feedback, which amounted to "I think you're very creative and kind. Definitely kind. There aren't many people in the world like that. I think you have lots to contribute, and I hope you'll explore your options and find ways to feel purposeful and important. And, choose life. You're still going to see the other therapist, right?" I told her I am [which is true, just not sure for how long].

I thanked her for working with me. She didn't seem like she was going to move from her chair, so I got up and walked over to her and put out my hand. We shook hands, and I said good bye.

My feelings about the session were that her feedback seemed rehearsed. I didn't feel like she had any "personal" feelings attached to what she said or how she said it. I was relieved that she didn't try to talk me into coming back for more sessions. I had a sense that she wanted to say more, but she didn't. I left just feeling kind of numb and disconnected. Not saying it's good or bad - it is what it is. As I drove home, I envisioned her typing up notes indicating that she had done her part - advised me that there are options and that I should choose life.

One therapist terminated with, one to go...