[SarahSweden]

Last time we had a follow up about things we discussed before and I back then mentioned I wanted more of positive feedback from her about my progress as she didn´t mention anything about how therapy had progressed for me.

At that time she responded to that and then she mentioned some things that were positive and it felt nice hearing that.

But last time she again talked about me wanting positive feedback and she then said she had felt that as negative countertransference and as an expression of my performance anxiety!

I just feel we are not on the same page, she decimates my want for some positive feedback to performance anxiety. I´ll tell her I want a new T next time.

What do you think?

You have been talking about this therapist in a doubtful and negative light for a while here. Maybe it is indeed time to look for a new T, and this might be a good ending point?

If you don't want to work with this therapist, it is perfectly within your right to stop seeing her.

Yes I agree with the others but I also see this as a great opportunity to work through this negative transference with her. Do you find yourself getting frustrated and annoyed at others in your life?

[mostlylurking]

I suspect she might be seeing your perfectionist tendencies above everything else, and therefore (wrongly) interpreting something as performance anxiety when perhaps it's actually a need to connect with her, to feel like she cares about you, to hear that she wants to keep working with you and feels good about working with you... something along those lines.

Sometimes (I'm speaking from experience here) perfectionists convince others that they are strong and independent and invincible and don't need anything (except maybe acknowledgement for their hard work?). I'm surprised a T would be fooled by this, though. It might be time for a new T. Or if not, then you might have to let her see some of your vulnerability by talking openly about your worries about your relationship with her. (Apologies if I am off base and reading too much of myself into your situation. )

I think I see her comment differently to you. You have asked her for feedback on how she thinks you are doing. She is suggesting you talk about your wish for feedback, rather than she simply give you feedback. It's possible that she doesn't want to be the person in the room who decides whether or not your therapy is going well. If she was this person, then she would be holding the power. Maybe she wants you to have the power. Maybe she hopes that if you assume this power in your relationship with her, then you will assume more power in other relationships.

I tend to think that I'm the one who knows how my therapy is going, not my T. She doesn't know the impact the therapy is having on me, until I tell her. Are you fears partly that, if she doesn't think you are progressing, then she may not continue with you?

[cinnamon_roll]

Sarah, I feel for you. This sounds frustrating and painful.

At the same time I feel Brown Owl has made an important point:

She is suggesting you talk about your wish for feedback, rather than she simply give you feedback.

She giving you the feedback you ask for would be the "simple" solution. Makes you feel better in the moment, but doesn't change much in the long run.

Talking about your wish/need for feedback is much more difficult. And it seems that she is not caring about your wish for feedback. But ultimately, this is the work that she thinks needs doing: To take a look at why you have this need to get the feedback, to get external validation for your perceptions/needs/desires/opinions. I know this too well, I struggle with this myself. And I find myself getting quite upset with my T whenever she 'throws' this need/want of mine for an external reference point back at me. Because it seems invalidating at first and it is frustrating. I talked a lot with my T about this, and with time I came to see, that she reacts this way exactly because she cares and is investing in my wellbeing. And by her deflecting my wish and putting the ball back in my court I actually can learn: to find this validation in myself and to not look constantly to her or to some other figure in authority.

I don't know whether this makes any sense to you in your situation. Maybe this is an option for you to try and frame this differently: Your T is giving you an opportunity to grow, to explore your needs instead of just giving you what you are asking for?

Because, ultimately, your T could do all that you are asking for and more. And you might still be doubting her, doubting your relationship and questioning the therapy process as a whole...

[SarahSweden]

Thanks for your understanding. I agree to that a part in this is performance anxiety but it´s much more about wanting to connect and to build a good therapeutic relationship. As my T herself brought this evaluation up it´s nothing strange to want some feedback, some T:s even give feedback after almost every session.

You´re not at all off base in this, you describe a lot about how I feel about this.

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

I suspect she might be seeing your perfectionist tendencies above everything else, and therefore (wrongly) interpreting something as performance anxiety when perhaps it's actually a need to connect with her, to feel like she cares about you, to hear that she wants to keep working with you and feels good about working with you... something along those lines.

Sometimes (I'm speaking from experience here) perfectionists convince others that they are strong and independent and invincible and don't need anything (except maybe acknowledgement for their hard work?). I'm surprised a T would be fooled by this, though. It might be time for a new T. Or if not, then you might have to let her see some of your vulnerability by talking openly about your worries about your relationship with her. (Apologies if I am off base and reading too much of myself into your situation. )

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. She gave me feedback the session before and I felt that was nice but the next time she brought this up about performance anxiety and that it was because of that I wanted feedback.

I see this as strange as if a boss at work told their employees that you have to find validation within yourself, I won´t give you any feedback on your work. Everywhere you hear about how important it is to appreciate each other and to bring a kind comment from time to time, how important it is to get feedback.

I don´t see why it should be different within the therapeutic relationship as long as it´s about therapeutic progress which it was in my case. To just dismiss this and to say my need comes from performance anxiety is just to weaken the therapeutic relationship. She isn´t validating the feelings behind it but instead she sees it as some kind of pathology that needs to be fixed.

Of course most clients want to be liked by their T, who wants to bring difficult issues to a person who don´t like them or never show they like them. I think it´s just bs to handle a therapeutic relationship way beyond basic human needs and to pathologize when clients react to cold and dismissive behavior.

Originally Posted by cinnamon_roll

Sarah, I feel for you. This sounds frustrating and painful.

At the same time I feel Brown Owl has made an important point:
She giving you the feedback you ask for would be the "simple" solution. Makes you feel better in the moment, but doesn't change much in the long run.

Talking about your wish/need for feedback is much more difficult. And it seems that she is not caring about your wish for feedback. But ultimately, this is the work that she thinks needs doing: To take a look at why you have this need to get the feedback, to get external validation for your perceptions/needs/desires/opinions. I know this too well, I struggle with this myself. And I find myself getting quite upset with my T whenever she 'throws' this need/want of mine for an external reference point back at me. Because it seems invalidating at first and it is frustrating. I talked a lot with my T about this, and with time I came to see, that she reacts this way exactly because she cares and is investing in my wellbeing. And by her deflecting my wish and putting the ball back in my court I actually can learn: to find this validation in myself and to not look constantly to her or to some other figure in authority.

I don't know whether this makes any sense to you in your situation. Maybe this is an option for you to try and frame this differently: Your T is giving you an opportunity to grow, to explore your needs instead of just giving you what you are asking for?

Because, ultimately, your T could do all that you are asking for and more. And you might still be doubting her, doubting your relationship and questioning the therapy process as a whole...

[ScarletPimpernel]

There's a difference between "does my T like me?" and "how does my T feel about my progress?"

[atisketatasket]

I think she is trying to get you to do what you say you want from her: look deeper so that you can improve things.

Thing about going deeper is, if you do that, you can make an argument against her argument. You can say, "no, it's about x, not performance anxiety."

She gave you what you asked for. Now she wants you to take a step further in thinking harder about why you asked for that.

[cinnamon_roll]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

She gave me feedback the session before and I felt that was nice but the next time she brought this up about performance anxiety and that it was because of that I wanted feedback.

I see this as strange as if a boss at work told their employees that you have to find validation within yourself, I won´t give you any feedback on your work. [...] I don´t see why it should be different within the therapeutic relationship as long as it´s about therapeutic progress which it was in my case. [...]

Of course most clients want to be liked by their T, who wants to bring difficult issues to a person who don´t like them or never show they like them. I think it´s just bs to handle a therapeutic relationship way beyond basic human needs and to pathologize when clients react to cold and dismissive behavior.

I wasn't there, but to be honest I don't think your therapist intended to pathologize you or invalidate your feelings.
A therapeutic relationship is quite different from a work relationship.

Maybe your therapist made this remark about performance anxiety, because she sees a link between you asking how she perceives your progress and you wanting to be liked by her. Maybe deep down you believe that you are only lovable and likeable when your performance has been "good enough"? So this might explain why your T might have picked up on your being anxious about this?

Believe me I know about perfectionisms, performance anxiety and not feeling "good enough"... I know how debilitating and paralysing this can feel. And in your perception your T withholding this feedback might add to those feelings?

Scarlet said that there's

a difference between "does my T like me?" and "how does my T feel about my progress?"

Your T can like you a lot, and that is totallly seperate from the question whether she thinks you made progress or not. What really matters is *your* perception whether you made progress. What has changed for you and how? For the better? So your T giving this question back to you is ultimately trying to strengthen your self-awareness, your sense of self...

wishing you all the best. I do feel that this is worth talking about with your T. Is it scary? Definitely. But this is part of "digging deeper" and I think it's worth it.

c_r

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

Of course most clients want to be liked by their T, who wants to bring difficult issues to a person who don´t like them or never show they like them. I think it´s just bs to handle a therapeutic relationship way beyond basic human needs and to pathologize when clients react to cold and dismissive behavior.

As you said before, it's a fake relationship. Therefore liking or not liking, what does that even mean in this context? It's partially or wholly calculated. Therapists are supposed to be giving out "unconditional positive regard" but that is merely a therapeutic device and not real. I want to scream just thinking about this. I hate giving or receiving advice, but part of me wishes you would just drop this seemingly unpleasant woman from your life. Anyway I understand your position and hope it gets better.

[Ididitmyway]

I tend to be cautions when I don't know much about the specifics of someone's therapy and I don't know much about yours since I haven't been following your threads.

But there is one thing that jumped at me in your post that evoked a strong reaction in me. It's the expression she used to describe your request "negative countertransference and as an expression of my performance anxiety!" This is called psychobabble, which is one of the most unhelpful things a therapist can do. It's not just my opinion. With all shortcomings of my professional training, one thing we were taught NOT to do is to use psychobabble with clients. When human feelings and interactions are described in "technical terms" in such cold, mechanical way, that objectifies the person who communicates those feelings. Objectifying someone is hurtful and could be traumatic to the person who is being objectified and this is not something to be minimized or taken lightly.

I don't know what you will do with that, and, as I said, I don't want to suggest anything because I don't know the details of your therapy, but this is just the reaction I wanted to share.