Couch 124 - Discussions & more!

If it's about pain and you're willing to do it with no spectators, that's one thing. If it's about destruction and the presence of spectators is desirable, that's a whole 'nother ball game.

Wrong and dangerous. This attitude can be used to justify all sorts of abuse.

Spectators are rarely desirable for me fr anything.

It would bother me. My father had a terrible temper and put holes in walls. I was terrified as a child.

My ex husband also did this-
I was working nights when my daughter was an infant. I would come home and get her ready to go the baby sitters. My husband-at-the-time worked day shift and would drop the baby off at the sitters on the way to work.

One morning I came home from work and got our daughter ready for the sitters. I noticed the ex was unusually quiet. When they left I walked into the bathroom and spotted a giant hole in the wall. I thought, oh, god, the baby! I called the sitter and asked her to look the baby over. She said she looked fine. I drove over and picked her up.

Turns out the ex was angry because our baby woke him up earlier than he would have liked-before I got home. He thought I should be happy that he took it out on the wall! He also said arrogantly that if he could fix it, he could break it.

Our marriage didn't last very long.

I used to sulk and go for long walks.

Yeah, that bothered me too. MC was partly referencing himself there, though. Saying how the times he's been sad or angry were on him, not other people. But to me, I mean, if someone says something really awful to you, it's not your fault you're angry. From stuff he's said, his father wasn't very kind to him. I'm not clear on whether he considered it abuse (emotional and/or physical). But I wonder if that's something he learned in childhood or, as my H calls it, "psychology school."

I mean, I get the idea that my H couldn't be like, "Well, she made me angry and hit the wall because she said something mean." At the same time...I don't know. It's like it works when he says you can't control your feelings--they just are. But to say I'm solely in charge of my feelings, that no one can make me feel a certain way--that has a different meaning.

I've punched my fist, broken my hand, injured fingers, punched my head, damaged things. I don't think of myself as posing a threat to anyone, but if someone were to be around, it might be frightening. And if I did it around someone I was in couple's counseling with, I would expect their feelings to be considered during our sessions. I'm sorry that yours were not, LT.

eta: I am not proud of this behavior, and I don't like it, but it's being worked on in therapy. Maybe your husband needs his own therapy?

Out of curiosity, did you do this when you were alone or in front of a family member/SO/friend? It seems a bit different to me if you do it alone (like what StopDog was saying).

I've thought before that H could use his own therapy, but I'm pretty sure he'd decline to go. This particularly concerned me after a close friend of his passed away suddenly . He kept insisting he was fine, didn't need grief counseling, anything like that. But that eventually led to depression (I later realized) that manifested itself in anger issues (where he took the anger out by yelling/cursing at me and our daughter), which is what led us to marriage counseling. And that diminished considerably, though he'll occasionally have outbursts of anger. Which MC says is OK and fairly healthy.

But, I don't know... I didn't grow up around that, so it's hard for me to know what's "normal" and healthy. Like am I just hypersensitive, and the vast majority of people do express anger all the time? Maybe not by hitting walls, but by yelling or whatever? I'm also very protective of our 5-year-old daughter (who is on the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum). Like if he snaps at her or curses around her or grabs her, it upsets me. Though I also get mad at myself if I've reached a limit with her (like being on my own with her all day and she's being cranky) and I raise my voice a bit. I'm rambling now, but just trying to give a better picture of things.

I would be upset. I guess we've had a few slammed doors over the years, but that is as bad as it has gotten. I guess that I would get over the first time doing something like that-but only with some clear understandings about what is and isn't ok with expressing anger in the future.

The other side of the coin - I did grow up in it and it is equally confusing to know what is "normal" and healthy as far as anger is concerned. I too am hypersensitive to the tone of a voice and any other evidence that anger is about to be directed in my direction, whether it's my fault or not.

It was hard for my counselor to understand why I didn't have the ability to distance myself from my H when his anger exploded. All I could/can do is freeze or try my best to do whatever needed to be done to make sure all is well.

Mostly alone, but it has happened in therapy and at least one other time in front of someone. It's a trigger response. I honestly don't think it's fair to judge me based on who's around, though. I am a solitary person and I keep damage to myself. I don't tell other people about it. I should not have said anything. I was mostly just saying your feelings should be considered in couple's counseling.

I grew up around a lot of violence and anger (not just directed at objects although there was enough of that). I still tend to cower like a four year old even when someone simply raises their voice -- it's rather embarrassing.

My Mom didn't grow up around that sort of violence and anger but her response when faced with a steady onslaught of it as an adult was to shut down any and all emotion.

I don't think "experience" really helps you with these things.

We got to like 78 today. I went to vote then grocery shop. It was soooo awesome out. But our pool is closed until next year. But they repaired it, so at least i know we'll have it next year.

It's OK that you said something! I appreciate what you said about my feelings being considered...

I spent all afternoon out riding with my neighbor. It was awesome.gorgeous day

I've always saw punching walls, breaking glasses, violence on inanimate objects frequently when angry in front of others as a danger sign, personally.

"I want to hit you, but I'll break something instead."

Just to be clear in case you feel I'm judging you, it's the motive that matters too. Pain, trigger...OK. You're really only hurting yourself. You don't need other people around - they might be present but they are not essential. Intimidation, control, not OK. Those need other people around - in fact they are essential.

Pool was too cold, but hot tub was perfect!!

Why is it bad to want to hit somebody and then purposefully NOT hit them and get the anger out in a way that doesn't hurt somebody? I will admit my husband has made me that mad, not my son, but his behavior have made me that mad.. But I don't take it out on them. I throw something against the wall in my bedroom, or I go outside and throw a ball against the garage door. What is wrong with that?

I don't think QM was saying that. She was saying that doing it frequently in front of others was a danger sign. That doesn't seem to apply to you at all.

I brought that up today in session. That it felt to me that he was that level of angry at me, but chose to hit the wall instead of me. But H said it wasn't that he wanted to hit me. And MC said the line between hitting an inanimate object and a person is a big one.

If you're going outside to do that or to the bedroom (I assume away from your H), that suggests to me another level of self-control and self-awareness. Like, "I know I'm angry, so I'm going to step away from the situation and get the anger out." I think the difference is doing it impulsively, like being unable to control oneself, and in front of someone. Does that make sense?

I meant in front of others, Healed. I do walk away to cool off and sometimes go outside and hit something to vent.

For me, in the last decade or so, about the only time I become that blind ragey frustrated is when dealing with the first therapist. I have broken my hand twice after dealing with her.

Desert life. My son just found a scorpion in his bathroom, he said they creep him out, and he was a little annoyed at me for catching it and taking it outside. I get creeped out by spiders, but scorpions don't bother me for some reason.