Couch 124 - Discussions & more!

. I have a friend who lives in Atlanta and she has scorpion issues. She has invited me to come and visit her.

Spiders so totally wig me out, scorpions are on another level all together!!

At work we have baby geckos all over the building... Inside the building. Cute and gross at the same time. I keep trying to pick them up to let them outside then they drop thier tails. Ewww

Drop their tails??? Their tails fall off? Bless it!

We have these lizard things that look like a cross between a snake and a lizard. They are iridescent, blues and greens on their backs and freak me out. I think they eat bugs. That is good!!

When I was a kid I was really freaked out that lizards had the ability to drop off thier tails when scared, leaving behind a wriggling morsel for predators. I caught one in ca at my paternal grandparents house and I was left with just a moving tail n my hand. Eeeeeek

. I did not knew that they did that!!

Wonder trail runner if you mean skinks? They are weird!!

Yup. And the tails usually grow back eventually. But just yuck

They are very weird!! It's like a cross between a snake and lizard. They totally freak me out and they seem to like where I live. We have normal green lizards, but these are different.

Cats love lizard tails. When I lived in Texas, senior cat would catch a lizard, the tail would detach, and she would watch the tail wiggle while the lizard escaped.

I'm going to google that! I'm curious.

We used to get like brown ladybugs in the fall, only they werent ladybugs they were some kind of japanese beetle. Today i noticed arrowhead shaped flying guys a good half inch 3 / 4 inch long landing on the outside doors. The brown beetles tho would just infest the bldg walls on the west. Creepy.

my T just called me to check in with me to see if i was going to be able to come tomorrow .she didnt know if i had had my surgery or not but wanted to know if i was going to need her to book the room on the first floor designated for people who are unable to use stairs .i was upstairs in bed when she called so it took me a bit to get to the phone .she sounded to sweet on my machine. when i picked up the phone she asked if it was me and i said yes .she said it was good to hear my voice . i was calling to see how you were doing and if you had had your surgery yet . i told her again it was on the 16th.she asked if i was well enough to walk up the stairs and i said yes worried that she had no intentions of seeing me on thursday i was relieved when she said ok then ill see you tomorrow at 3 . she is being so sweet and supportive through all this . i just wish she would let me talk about the mother and all my issues with her around this without getting so worked up that i will contact her . i will try and talk to her about this tomorrow .the stress and guilt around all of it is just as bad as if i was talking to her . i guess she has to care about me some .at least she did sound like it when she was on the phone with me . i guess ill keep her even if she isnt perfect all the time . i was scheduled to also see her december 1st i will have only been out of the hospital for a week so she made arrangements to see me on the first floor but i think i have decided to cancel because if im not well enough to walk the stairs i dont want her to have to deal with that .its humiliating . my husband who just went through this with his mother said i might even need a walker the first week im home was saying i might not be ready to go anyplace even if my son drives . 1 more days to obsess

Granite, why not let her do this for you? Is it okay for people to go out of their way to be kind and helpful to you without you feeling guilty about it? Perhaps allowing her to do this is something you need to experience. People can go out of their way for others simply because they are nice people and care -- no strings attached; no guilt necessary. It is fine if you are truly physically not well enough to get to the appointment; perfectly understandable and may very well be the case, but don't avoid the appointment out of guilt over her offering to move locations to help you.

i think it is more the idea of her seeing me like this more then anything . i hate needing help . in fact it isnt the surgery that scares me if i died i wouldnt even know it it is the helplessness after that terrifies the crap out of me .

Morning couch. Day 2 of my little mini staycation. I got up early to make my son breakfast for his birthday, and sat with him while he ate and while we were talking he mentioned that he was up late last night because his ex-girlfriend texted him I am still in shock a little I think. I am so proud of my son for doing what he needed to do without hesitation to help her. He's such a good, caring person.

As an update, I sent MC an e-mail saying how I was upset by his reaction in session, and he responded last night. Trying to decide how exactly I feel about his response. I appreciate some of what he said, but not so sure on the whole "not pathologizing it" part. To put it in context, I'll include what I said to him (so this will be long):
"Hi MC,
I'll keep this as brief as possible. Something from today's session bothered me. I felt like the punching the wall thing was a BIG DEAL, and it was something that really upset me. Like to the point that I was having serious doubts about things. But it felt like you were very much, "Oh, whatever, I do that, everybody does that." And it just felt minimizing. To clarify, I wasn't expecting you to be like "Wow, [H], how could you possibly do such a thing? You're a monster!" But it just felt sort of like two guys being like, "Yeah, I hit this wall." "Yeah, I do that too--sucks to have to patch up the holes later, am I right?" "heh, yeah, I hate dealing with spackle."

So then I felt sort of...when I was trying to talk about how much it upset me, knowing that you'd done the same, it made it feel like you wouldn't take it seriously. Because you've done it, and you (I certainly hope!) haven't escalated beyond that, so it's OK. It's not even just about my concerns about escalation, but just that I found it very upsetting and scary. And in session, it just felt like you thought I was way overreacting. So I felt weird about exploring it further because I could tell the way it was going to go. Especially with you saying that inanimate objects would just continue to get hit. Rather than maybe exploring alternatives to that, like stepping away, or going for a run, or even just getting an actual punching bag.

Note that I'm fully aware that some of this may be influenced by the transference thing. Particularly after our conversation Friday, since that's probably making me feel more vulnerable. And, maybe, I don't know, it's like my parents minimizing my reaction to something. Or me feeling like I should keep my feelings inside. And yes, I know, you're going to say that my feelings are my feelings, that you didn't intend to make me feel that way, that I should feel free to express whatever, I want in session, etc. But I just had to get this out so it doesn't eat away at me until next session. Because whether transference is involved or not, it's still bothering me and was keeping me from being completely open about things. I mean, I reluctantly brought up the fears of escalation even though I was almost sure what you'd say...

OK, I think I've made my point. I'd appreciate some sort of response to this when you have a chance.
Thanks,
[LT]"

His response (sent at 11 last night):
"[LT], like you said, I was not trying to minimize your feelings. On the contrary no matter what your feelings are, they are valid and important simply because they are yours. I was trying to draw the distinction between perceived danger and actual danger. There is no difference in the feelings, but it is important to be able to discern the difference (just like the zip line analogy [this is something he used with me before]). Just like I will often try to put some of what you have done in context and explain it as less pathological (or more typical) than it first sounds, I was simply trying to do the same for [H]. This does not invalidate your feelings. This is just the context in which these feelings arise. We can talk more about it next week. Thanks [LT]."

I think if it were me I would be frustrated by that response, esp the part about the distinction between perceived danger and actual danger and there being no difference in the feelings but it's important to discern the difference... that just plain confuses me. I'm sorry.

Thanks, Art. Yeah, MC can be confusing at times when he gets more meta and philosophical about things (T tends to be more concrete). I think he means that real and perceived danger might evoke the same feelings of fear in me (since I do also have an anxiety disorder), but I need to learn that H's expressions anger doesn't actually pose a threat (at least a physical one) to me. The zip line thing, he's said the operator of it could show him all the safety features, how it's perfectly safe to go down, but that he (MC) is still probably going to think he's going to die if he gets on it. He's also big on the difference between understanding something cognitively (brain) and getting it emotionally (the gut).

ah gotcha.

Hitting a wall in anger is somewhat understandable if a bit out of control. Putting a hole THROUGH a wall may just be pathological.

It's official i am pathetic w a capital P. Left way too early for t drove past her street 15 minutes too early now I'm at a gas station killing time. Yeesh. I wish I'd scheduled 50 mins today instead of 30. Oh well.

Well, it left a big dent that he had to patch. So kind of in between, I guess... I think if it was more of just a smack, that would be less worrisome to me.

I have been single for so long, so i cant reliably answer this question as if I were in a relationship, but that level of anger from someone else, directed at me would probably scare me. When I hear parents scolding their children very angrily, it definitely triggers me and makes me anxious. I also don't really like your MC's email response, but you know him and how he writes better than me

I have a LOT of rage that I take out on myself, and I am not sure what would happen in a relationship if I felt that level of rage. I probably would leave and then deal with it. Also-shattering a glass too?! If it was just one, MAYBE I could see your H or MC going "I am sorry," and deal with the fear of that violence escalating. But that is a lot of rage, and while he didn't hit you, I am presuming he did these things in front of you? I understand rage, and when it becomes to that level, some part of your brain and body have been hijacked by that rage-that is out of control.

Yay! Attorney wrote to say he filed the divorce papers today. Probably still have a couple months to wait, though.

Therapy hangover already. At the 30 minute mark I told t I didn't want to stop and asked if we could continue and she said yes and that she was glad I spoke up and asked for what I needed. It was a very productive session, did some really deep work, but I still feel so pathetically needy which I hate. She looked like a ninja today in her black shirt and black pants and I told her so. I told her that is my nickname for her. ha ha. I am feeling totally spacey right now.