[rainbow8]

I know the way EMDR works is to float back to earlier experiences, so that's how we got to "kids passing notes around me" in 5th grade. That led to feeling rejected and invisible. I know therapy is about me, not T. But the original trigger still bothers me. Maybe when we do more work with this issue I will learn more because I know my reaction was about me. Or was it?

This is going to sound trivial but apparently it's not. T told me ahead of time what country she was going to. At the session after she returned I asked how she liked it there, as it was a place I wish I could visit. She sounded kind of neutral and said she also went to another country. I asked if it was far and she said no.

I have a collection of travel books at home so I looked up the other country. It's not close to the original country. When T was away, I looked up travel times from where I thought she was. It upset me that she was somewhere else. I also could have loaned her the travel book though maybe she wouldn't have accepted.

I mulled over my feelings that week instead of emailing her, which she said was great! She said it was close, considering how far away she was! Also that she didn't tell me the other country since it's my therapy, so she didn't want to elaborate on her travel plans. She always tells me where she's going, though.

So, we talked about my feeling that she passed over me, kept me in the dark, rejected me, which is transference for past feelings. She suggested EMDR which we finally did yesterday.

But it's still triggering me! She gave me half the information so I feel cheated or overlooked or something. She could have just told me! If it was okay for her to tell me she was going to one country, why not say the other?

I know I should just drop this but it seems like the EMDR caused it to resurface. Or, maybe that's the point! Since the original trigger is about my reactions to T, I need to explore more if those kinds of reactions in my past. T wants me to think back to the past, but that happens more in the present. I get annoyed when my family members "leave me out" or tell half the facts. I think it's more about rejection, or perceived rejection. Feeling invisible is another issue. The homework is on target for something, I know.

I'm trying to figure this out myself and not email T but any comments, assuming any of the above makes any sense, would be appreciated.

Or is it about control moreso than rejection? I always get the feeling you need to feel control over your therapist: her clothing, her weight, her hair, her travel plans, etc. Without control (which is about information, prior knowledge, in this case), do you feel powerless, vulnerable, like something could happen that you could somehow prevent? Kind of magical thinking, but I sometimes get the impression that there is an element of that going on with you.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Or is it about control moreso than rejection? I always get the feeling you need to feel control over your therapist: her clothing, her weight, her hair, her travel plans, etc. Without control (which is about information, prior knowledge, in this case), do you feel powerless, vulnerable, like something could happen that you could somehow prevent? Kind of magical thinking, but I sometimes get the impression that there is an element of that going on with you.

Thank you, lola. I always appreciate your interest in my issues, and your intelligent comments. I have to think about whether my reactions are about control. Maybe... I'm not sure. I thought some more and wrote down that I don't like when information is withheld from me. I think my family does this to keep me from worrying, like when they go to a drs. appointment for the kids, or get in a minor traffic accident. Maybe it's about not having control of their lives. I don't want to control how my T looks; I think that's different. I always feel powerless, so it could be a way to feel more powerful. Or realize other people's lives are not always my business, even my adult children's. Like with T, why are they telling me only part of the story? Is this a case of boundaries? They aren't excluding me to be mean, but just to be private. I don't like people to be private. Maybe that's it.

I'm thinking out loud, trying to figure it out. I will bring it up with T before we do more EMDR next session.

[ruh roh]

Hi Rainbow. You've mentioned being upset seeing family movies that didn't include you (because you hadn't yet been born), so it does seem to be an unresolved issue when you don't see yourself in the lives of people who matter to you. Maybe your therapist's omission makes you feel like you're not important to her, when it could just as easily be that she did not want to distract from your life. I don't see it as something to resolve with her as an issue between you, so much as something to get right with yourself (in the context of therapy) so that you can come from your own center and not someone else's. Not sure if that makes sense.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Hi Rainbow. You've mentioned being upset seeing family movies that didn't include you (because you hadn't yet been born), so it does seem to be an unresolved issue when you don't see yourself in the lives of people who matter to you. Maybe your therapist's omission makes you feel like you're not important to her, when it could just as easily be that she did not want to distract from your life. I don't see it as something to resolve with her as an issue between you, so much as something to get right with yourself (in the context of therapy) so that you can come from your own center and not someone else's. Not sure if that makes sense.

Wow! I'm always surprised when someone remembers something I posted in the past, like about my family movies. I'm not invisible here, which could be why I like the forums so much. Thank you, ruh roh. I DO get what you're saying and I agree it's not about T. She's always trying to get me to have more Self, and to appreciate my "Rainbowness." I think that's what you're saying. It fits that you say I get upset when I don't see myself in the lives of people who mean so much to me. That really strikes a chord! Like, did they forget me? Why?

[Perna]

I would try to "ignore" T in the present other than as a catalyst as she is not part of your "real" life. Think of her as the cue ball in pool/billards, you and your life are the other balls and the game :-)

The remembering of note passing in 5th grade was great. That's just what you are looking for. There may be some bigger, wholistic thing though; I don't like to babysit, be in other people's houses because I was dropped off at other people's houses for them to care for me a lot between the ages of 3 and 6 and moved and changed mothers, etc. so I don't feel "secure" or like I belong and am unconsciously worried I won't get back to my own home and father and brothers, etc.

A related, but inconsequential thing (sort of like your 5th grade note passing) to that is a job I had 25-30 years ago; I had to go through a "lab" that was merely a large room with 4-5 doors in/out and when I was new at the job, crossing the lab to get to my office, I was terrified I'd get "lost" in the middle and go through the wrong door, never to be found again

Work with your memories (that's all they are, like dreams, they're just memories, don't allow them to continue to bother you now you are waking) and ask yourself what you were doing, why you weren't passing notes too and who you wished would write you a note or who you wished to write. Be pleased with yourself that you have such a good imagination and working senses that you could note the notes all being passed around you, etc.

There are lots of memories out there, some more useful than others. Your T's trip is just a memory now, not particularly useful? She may or may not tell you all the places she goes in the future; that's not the issue, if you can find and deal with the original issue, you won't mind how much/little T tells you (or anyone else in your actual, present life).