[junkDNA]

i think a lot about just never going back to see my therapist, never answering his texts or calls if dont show up, never talking to him or seeing him ever again

i feel too close to him, i feel scared of that. its ****ing TERRIFYING

sometimes i envision me standing with him, and i have all these strings attached to him...and i think about takin ga giant pair of scissors and cutting them all

i dont feel well tongiht and i wish i could jus be euthanized. my voices have ceome back now and i hate them so much, i will probably regret posting this but idk

[awkwardlyyours]

Yes, but in my case it's because of a combination of these things --

- A huge sense of relief.

- A visceral sense that she now holds all my 'crap' and I can just leave it behind by leaving her behind.

- A feeling of somehow wanting her to 'suffer' the way I do -- mostly when I'm angry that she's 'whole' and I'm not because I am showing up every time to 'expose' myself to her while she remains 'untouched' by my crap and I just feel really raw.

- Wanting to test / see if she'll pursue me if I leave abruptly -- so, being equally excited and terrified by the possibility of her pursuit.

I'm beyond grateful then that my current T appears to be capable of seeing through most (if not all) of the ways I tend to act out these things.

I'm sorry you're not feeling well. I wish I could say something that would help. What I can do is offer safe hugs if you want them. And empathize because I feel too close to my t too and yes it is scary to me too. Even though she seems to know how to handle it without it becoming a problem, I still am afraid of needing her too much.

[Out There]

Yes , for all sorts of feelings , it flares up from time to time. Nobody else did these things so I don't know what to do with them and how to deal with it...so if I don't go back I won't have to deal with it. It's a terrible feeling sometimes but I'm glad I stuck with it - You have to go through hell to reach heaven - hugs JD.

[atisketatasket]

I have sometimes felt that about people who aren't my therapist, but what's always held me back is, What would happen if there were no pursuit? How would I feel? Lousy.

Yes, and I think it is about wanting him to worry, almost as a test that he cares. I can understand how it would be scary to feel so attached to your T especially given what you've been through in your past. I'm sorry the voices have returned, JD. I hope you feel better

[junkDNA]

i guess in my case i am not seeking him to pursue me... i am seeking me to cut all ties with him...i feel as if how close i am to him is a threat to my survival. so i think about this stuff as a way to envision my life without him in it anymore. i feel borderline obsessed with my T, and that is not okay with me

i woke up feling pretty sick. i slept offand on last night... i dont feel well at all

thanks for the feedback

Originally Posted by junkDNA

so i think about this stuff as a way to envision my life without him in it anymore. i feel borderline obsessed with my T, and that is not okay with me

I think such strong attachment can be a necessary part of therapy for some people. I see it as being part of a process, and having that security at this stage in the process is important in order for healing to occur.
It may feel like you will feel this way about your T forever and that's probably a scary thought, but actually I think you will get to a place where you have been able to internalise that support and care and tap into your own emotional resourcefulness.
It's a little bit like how typically a child grows into an adult and gradually needs their parents less.
This natural inner resourcefulness has sadly been thwarted by your traumatic experiences, but it is still there. You need long term support to tap into it, and I think you and your T are working on that.
I want to say, be kind to yourself. You have been through so much and it is likely to take a long time for healing to take place. Your feelings are okay, and perfectly natural. I hope you can continue a dialogue with your T about these feelings, because they are an important part of the work.

[LonesomeTonight]

Big hugs, Junk. I know you're concerned about being too attached, but I think you should reach out to your T today and let him know how bad you're feeling. Maybe he can help work you through it.

[SoConfused623]

Yes, whenever I'm mad at my T, I always want to ghost her and never return to make her pay for her mis-step. Sometimes I feel so embarrassed about some of the things that I've disclosed that I want to ghost her and start fresh with someone new.

Hugs to you J-DNA, sorry to hear that you're struggling!

[junkDNA]

I have reached out to my T...he replied and told me to take a prn... I'm also have a bad cold...the voices r the icing on the cake

[junkDNA]

I am embarrassed to admit

Possible trigger:

that I've cut myself to try to appease then and make them stop

but it did not work

[brillskep]

Yes. My therapist has said and done quite a few very hurtful things to me in this past year and I think it's very unfair. I'm the only client that has stuck with him since the beginning of his career and I'm as fair to him as I possibly can. It is only now that I'm a practicing therapist myself that I fully grasp just how important the things I do are. I feel unappreciated and when I feel really hurt by him I wonder what would happen if I didn't show up for next session or answer the phone if he calls to ask about it. I'd still see him as my colleague, but I'd definitely miss him as my therapist, and I know that this isn't a solution. Though I wonder whether if I ghosted him he would finally hear me like he doesn't now that I conscientiously go to every session and really work with him.

[CyclingPsych]

Whenever I have that feeling of never returning to therapy I tell my therapist I never want to go back. He says that he would keep texting/calling until I Come back .

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by CyclingPsych

Whenever I have that feeling of never returning to therapy I tell my therapist I never want to go back. He says that he would keep texting/calling until I Come back .

That seems weird

[mostlylurking]

Hey JD, when I get sick with a virus I always feel a lot worse emotionally. I think there can be a strong connection between our immune systems going on high alert and our brain function, at least for some of us, and even if they don't understand why, yet. In fact sometimes I'm relieved to realize I've got a fever or a cough or sore throat-- I think "Oh! I'm just sick, it'll pass, thank goodness." So... can you hang in there a few days and try to think/hope this current bad time will be over soon?

It is terrifying sometimes how attached we are to our T's, but your T in particular is so dedicated to you and to his work, and is such a good T, that I think you are quite safe. The obsession part is probably because he is meeting some unmet needs from long ago, but I think it will ease up and be less stressful after a while if you can stick with it. Your T is a good guy by all accounts.

[SvanThor]

I have never personally experienced a desire to do this, but I think the reason you might want to is because you think that if you did, it would possibly make him worry about you more... I think that everyone wants someone to worry about them at one time or another. It makes us, as humans, feel cared about.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by SvanThor

I have never personally experienced a desire to do this, but I think the reason you might want to is because you think that if you did, it would possibly make him worry about you more... I think that everyone wants someone to worry about them at one time or another. It makes us, as humans, feel cared about.

no, this is not it. like i said earlier its because i want to disconnect myself from him. it has nothing to do about making him worry

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

Hey JD, when I get sick with a virus I always feel a lot worse emotionally. I think there can be a strong connection between our immune systems going on high alert and our brain function, at least for some of us, and even if they don't understand why, yet. In fact sometimes I'm relieved to realize I've got a fever or a cough or sore throat-- I think "Oh! I'm just sick, it'll pass, thank goodness." So... can you hang in there a few days and try to think/hope this current bad time will be over soon?

It is terrifying sometimes how attached we are to our T's, but your T in particular is so dedicated to you and to his work, and is such a good T, that I think you are quite safe. The obsession part is probably because he is meeting some unmet needs from long ago, but I think it will ease up and be less stressful after a while if you can stick with it. Your T is a good guy by all accounts.

yea, hopefully when my sickness clears up things will be better.. i know my T is good and safe... he does meet unmet needs and i think thats whats so scary to me...like who is this person and why is he being so nice to me