Couch 125 - We shall survive!

And my t totally misinterpreted my text. This is why I never ask for help

I have an appointment this week with the therapist - I can't remember if I have not seen her for 2 months or if I saw her once in two months. I haven't seen the other one for awhile either.

I just got a used apple keyboard for my ipad pro. It actually is not all that bad to type on. It is not the greatest on just my lap, but not terrible.

Totally missed tbe overwhelmed part of your post. Oops.

Its lack of blood flow to the brain. That csn happen when youre really tense. Your muscles stiffen, your body scrunches in (the opposite of stretching), so it squeezes blood vessels, nerves.

Also the stress hormones constrict blood vessels. Because of evolution-to increase blood flow to the limbs for fighting or running, fight or flight.

Just my guess.

Thanks skies. For me it is something to do with my anxiety. I haven't fainted yet but the past few weeks I have felt close to that state.

Texting stresses me sometimes. I think that sometimes, since it's a short message, feelings aren't understood or realized.

I've felt misunderstood from text communicating too.

Whiny post. I don't feel like I am someone that looks for the company of me.

There are people, few, that kind of know what I'm working through. I've shared a bit of it with them and they are there to listen when I search them out. If I don't go to them, they don't connect with me. Or, there is a friend that I've known since the 6th grade. I did share with her more and she told me she understood and had wondered about it while we were friends in school. I've tried to reach out to her and get a bite to eat and just talk. She always has an excuse.

Is it too much, and people don't know how to relate to you? Did I act "off" and didn't realize it?

Can anyone relate? It's a lonely feeling.

Absolutely.

I can relate, although I don't tell anyone my diagnosis. That would be too much for them to take in (it's too much for me to take in).

It could be that they just don't know what to do to support you, or how to respond.

I also think many people are dealing with their own stuff, which makes it hard to know why they act the way they do.

I can relate to that, when I try talking to my siblings sometimes, y'know trying to talk deeper than just polite conversations about the weather and what-not, I feel like they always just talk right over me, monopolize the conversation, I can't get a word in edgewise, I'm still invisible to them like I always was. Like did I do something wrong?! Even my sister who has been through her own therapy, when I talk to her on the phone, she talks at me, not with me, like she's giving a lecture. And then when she has to take a breath and I start to say something, she says "Oh, I have to go." It is lonely, and that's why I don't have much to do with my family of origin anymore. The friends I have at work, I don't so much seek them out for deep conversation because I don't want to ruin our working relationships by appearing too needy. The only thing I reach out to them for is when I'm stressed by work, but not any personal stuff because I just don't want it in the work place.

I don't know what I'd do without my drumming/shamanic journey group. That is the best place for me to be among friends and talk - it's like a kind of group therapy, in a way, we're all there doing each our own inner work, and we share with each other what we're working through and support each other, and one of the main rules in any circle is "what's shared here, stays here". I feel loved and accepted there, more than with my family.

And I don't want to leave out PC and the couch. I don't know what I'd do w/out y'all sometimes, too. There's always somebody here who understands and I appreciate everyone.

Something else too... it just struck me....

"Is it too much, and people don't know how to relate to you? Did I act "off" and didn't realize it?" -- I think what ruh roh said, maybe people don't know what to do, or even if they might feel like they know what to say, they might feel too shy to reach out and say it. Or worry that they might sound stupid. That happens with me a lot. Still working on that and have a long way to go.

I have the day off work today so I'm doing some cooking, have a meatloaf in the oven and potatoes (for mashies) and broccoli cooking on the stove. Smells good in here. Oh I made some apple muffins too.

Something my T said to me last night seems sort of relevant to this discussion. We were talking about all my anxieties around these new friendships I am forming, and she said "Other people's thoughts of you are none of your business." At first I was slightly offended and was like "Yes it is my business! I would prefer to know what others think of me!"

As she talked more, it made more sense. She said if someone shows or tells me something about myself, then I can do something about it. I can not do anything about it if it resides in their head. All that anxiety resides in the future, in the "what-if" land.I can't do anything about something that hasn't happened yet. I know I automatically won't stop worrying about being too much, or a "nobody" in the group, but it was an interesting perspective I have not thought about before.

Thank you for sharing that. It does make sense. And I think the tendency to do that, to worry about what's in someone else's head about me, comes from growing up and trying to stay one step ahead of.... well, just to stay one step ahead. Self-preservation and all that from a different time.

Yeah Me too. I also talked about that w my T. I grew up walking on eggshells around my mom bc her moods were unpredictable.

Thank you guys for the hugs! I thankfully receive them.

So many thoughts going through my head today about my whiny post last night. What you guys have said, has helped me look at it better.

I've never really been a "social" type person. I've had a couple of true friends, that I can remember. The people that I choose to be friends with, I tend to share almost everything with. It also helps me to work through hard things by talking about them with someone. That has made what I'm working through pretty hard for me. There really isn't anyone to talk to about some pretty intense issues that actually make me feel like I'm pretty screwed up.

On top of that, I don't really have "social skills" as far as polite chit chatty conversation. I like to talk about things that "matter", either to someone else or to me. Going to a group event that you have to float around and chit chat with people stresses me. Other social groups, where people want to polite talk, ask you how your are, and expect you to say "I'm fine. How are you?" make me feel more alone that actually being alone.

Ruh Roh, I agree that people probably don't know what to say or how to react to something I may say. There is a part of me that just starts talking about things that I probably should not say, but I believe it is triggered and steps up and says too much. That may be the reason a friend is avoiding me, and I can understand I guess. It is still hurtful to me.

Art, I would love to find a group like you are talking about. A group that I have something in common with, "like group therapy" Your group sounds very warm and accepting. I don't know what kind of group that would be. I've been thinking of finding somewhere to volunteer my time for something.

I also can't begin to say how grateful I am to have found PC. I've never been a member of a forum before. My son has "online friends" and I would always fuss at him for being online all the time. I would tell him to find some "real" friends. Boy, I don't know how many times I have apologized to him! You guys are real friends, and I'm thankful for you!

Velcro, it does make sense, and I've never thought of it that way! It is truth though. I am going to remember that.

I refer to that as my "radar" I can totally relate!

Me too. Very unpredictable!

Somebody said something similar to me once. It was helpful for me at the time though my conclusions are not identical to yours.

Crocus!

Hi Crocus!

Hi crocus!!

My gp rang back with an emergency appointment yesterday afternoon. I think I just texted my t to have someone say its ok to ask for an emergenc appt but he feels emergency appt are wasted on me. I don't know who he is to judge whether something is helpful to me. Just because I don't say they are helpful doesn't mean they aren't.

Hi Crocus.

Its really frustrating when someone leaves a voicemail and it sounds like they are talking from the bottom of the mariana trench.

Hey Crocus!

I actually sent my T an email today further disussing my anxieties around what she said. I told her that part of me feels safer waiting for the shoe to drop, or analyzing every interaction for possible signs of me being too much, or just useless as a human in general. Because then when something DOES happen, it may still hurt, but at least I won't be so blindsided by it.
Yeah, especially in 2016!

Edit: unless they REALLY are from the bottom of a marina trench