Gaslighted by a T examples needed

What are some subtle examples of being gaslighted by a therapist?

"Subtle" makes this an interesting question and hard to answer.

How about, "I'm sorry you felt unsupported" - suggesting that the problem was with the client's perception/definition of support, not the support actually given by the therapist.

Me: I felt belittled
T1: Well, that is projection, because that's not what I meant at all

T: your voice is whiny
Me:that's a very personal insult. I am very upset.
T: you are projecting your anger onto me.

Do you think your t is gas lighting you allheart?

My T would run late with the prior client. The one time i arrived on time ma do wasn't quiet about it and I sat in the waiting area. I could see her typing at her computer with her door half open. She never came out to check to see if I was there knowing that I was her next appointment. After 20 min of waiting she comes out and says in sort a of a nasty voice "so are you coming to come in for your session or what?". I was upset because she's been doing this for some time. I was upset because it was totally her fault. She sat there and my boys were there and said that she was typing away on her computer as well. I was upset that she didn't see that she did Anything wrong. Then when she saw that I was upset she told me that I'm not myself. She tried to blame my anger on something else. Once I showed her my true emotions due to her actions everything went downhill.

There's a book on that very subject:
Contemporary Psychoanalytic Musings: Review of "Gaslighting, the Double Whammy, Interrogation, and other Methods of Covert Control in Psychotherapy and Analysis" by Theo Dorpat (1996).

My relationship devolved into gaslighting. My co-therapists were scornful, ridiculing and bullying trying to keep me as a client. Yet when I raised the issue, they blamed my "distortion," promising the conflict signaled I was on the verge of a real breakthrough. They were so brainwashed by their own theories they couldn't be responsible for their abuse.

There are some articles and blogs and such on-line that give examples:

Gaslighting in Therapy ? Therapy Consumer Guide

https://luckyottershaven.com/2016/01...ing-therapist/

Can we clarify the definition of gaslighting?

I ask this not to challenge anyone's experience but because I myself often get confused about this term ...

Does it apply any time two people have a different view on an interaction or incident?

Or is it more specific to when someone intentionally does something to confuse, belittle, or hurt you and then tells you it's "all in your head" and then get you confused about your own perception of reality... ?

What is the difference between (s)he said/(s)he said vs gaslighting? how do I separate that from real cognitive distortions?

Again I'm asking for my own understanding. (This is bit off topic... sorry) My ex would accuse me of gas-lighting her but she is the one who would call me "crazy" and a "liar" whenever we would fight. She would make HUGE assumptions and grand statements about my intentions, yet I could never get a word in on my own memory of what happened because as soon as I would try to explain my own perception on an incident, I was accused of "lying" and "making **** up."

My therapist says this has to do with intention and control. My Ex was trying to control and dominate me and make me question my own reality. The irony, of course, was that my ex was a psychologist that specialize in social justice so she had the vocabulary and skills to really make me feel wrong.

ETA: I see that someone posted some links. Thank you

I had not heard of gaslighting before until now. I'll have to check out those articles. Sounds like gaslighting is a bit like (possibly unintentionally) belittling.

It's more like making someone question their own sense of reality.

Yes. This is my understanding as well. Gaslighting makes the person feel like the crazy one by setting up situations that make them question themselves (their memory, senses, ability to tell fact from fiction).

I haven't experienced gaslighting in therapy, although my first therapist kept changing her approach so often (out of ignorance--she was very new) that I often felt off balance and moody, which just made me look bad. In a way, she was recreating my childhood family dynamics--very chaotic and unpredictable--but she saw herself as only wanting to help, so it was just very crazymaking. I don't think it was intentional though. She just didn't know what she was doing.

I'm so sorry, but that gave me a smile. I know it wasn't meant to be funny, but only people in therapy could relate to that! I think there's a therapists handbook of standard responses to any situation...

My last T would walk over and open the door about 7 minutes before time was up, then start doing computer work without wrapping up our visit. When I didn't leave he asked me if I could find my way back to the reception desk.

My current T sometimes says things that don't sit well with me. For example.
"Feel free to cancel the rest of your appointments if you want" and My schedule might get too busy to see you very often and a real doozy "Oh, I had not planned on us discussing past events, I just planned on us talking about the future and you learning to have a positive narrative". These were all said after he was aware of extensive trauma I need to deal with.

And yesterday he handed me an assesment to fill out about eating disorders??? When I looked at it and said uhhh, he said oh wait what test do I normally give you? He gives me the same Beck anxiety test every meeting.

The last two sessions he has spent the last 5 minutes talking about if I'm going to be suicidal before he sees me next week. I'm thinking WTF, where is this coming from? He's like tell me why you are not going to kill yourself this week, and why you haven't killed yourself yet. I'm like, are you for real?

It sounds like a Seinfeld episode. Only, not funny because it's really happening.

My ex-T. gaslighted me a lot. I didn't realize it was happening until she terminated me and I watched the movie Gaslight. I started bawling realizing she did and my new T. confirmed.

I agree with the term of making you question your reality. I would tell her she seemed frustrated and she would say it's my transference. I would tell her I don't feel she's reassuring and she would tell me the rest of her clients feel that way and then tell me she is reassuring. Most of the times it was me saying I felt a certain way and her saying it was the transference removing herself completely from blame. I actually started to wonder what my reality was - was she what I was feeling or was I feeling the wrong thing. It was freaking crazy making.

You mentioned feeling she's saying those things so you'll end up leaving. I told her how all of this made me feel and then admitted that I sought another T's advice about the transference. In her termination letter, she sighted my desire to seek other's opinions as evidence that I was no longer feeling comfortable and was seeking therapy with others. However my new T. has pointed out that any professional T. would welcome a second opinion and be willing to do what is necessary to help their client.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope that you don't get to the point that you're questioning everything she is doing. That can be unhealthy as well.

I can laugh at it now, it actually is quite funny. At the time it was very painful but now my t and I laugh when it comes up. There is a lot of standard phrases they all seem to use. I am a therapist and my supervisor has a huge huge ego and often says to me to take that phrase down, I give you permission to use that. My jaw literally dropped.

My therapist has been doing this quite lately.

One example is from a year ago, I think, when I was voicing what I think was a legitimate complaint about some requests he has which he claims are about the therapeutic frame, but really it's about his needs outside of therapy coming before my needs outside of therapy (long story ...). Instead of listening to me and trying to negotiate a better solution, he claimed I was crossing his boundaries and brought up a relationship from my teens when I did actually cross that person's boundaries. It was very long ago though and my therapist had often claimed I've changed a lot since then, but in that context he brought it up as a sort of argument about my character and patterns (never mind that I only did it in one relationship back in my teens) and I left feeling very confused and doubting my own perception of reality. I left thinking that maybe my therapist was right about me, and maybe my middle school crush had been right about me, and maybe I hadn't changed. Of course, nothing about the current issue with my therapist got solved.

I think a subtle example is anything that blames misunderstandings and complaints solely on the client's transference. Like for example my therapist told me yesterday when I had a complaint about how he puts his own needs before mine in therapy, that that is my projection because he doesn't feel that way. He wanted us to analyze how this came from my relationship with my mother, which I know would be useful too, but when I said that in order to do that I needed him to own his part for what he did do (the part that was real, not my transference), he just kept going on about my transference.

Perhaps the most concerning example I have - but I don't think it's subtle - was once when, knowing I feel some things in therapy aren't working between us at the moment, he told me that because I'm also a colleague in the same community it is unethical for me to talk to others about him because I may "unwittingly paint him in a bad light" and that this would be unethical behavior of me (I told one close friend about my therapy with him and I told my supervisor without mentioning his name).

To me this looks like gaslighting. I think when a therapist gaslights a client it is particularly bad, because the whole setup is that the client came to therapy to change his or her life. So the therapist can use both very intimate material about the client and the whole reason for being in therapy (like my therapist claimed we have to "go back to me and my reactions" when I asked him to take responsibility for what he did).

The last two sessions he has spent the last 5 minutes talking about if I'm going to be suicidal before he sees me next week. I'm thinking WTF, where is this coming from? He's like tell me why you are not going to kill yourself this week, and why you haven't killed yourself yet. I'm like, are you for real?[/QUOTE]

Oh my goodness I am so sorry you have gone through this your T sounds exactly like my old T nd is the reason hes my old T!!!!!!!

Could these be examples??

Former T- Gets him self settled grabs a newspaper, reads it, looks over the paper and said oh it's you... what are you here for??

2. I just feel like getting into a shower after I see you, I just feel filthy... proceeds to stick out his tongue and make noises like he is eating a bad piece of food.

I think it was shortly after that I told him I needed a break, never went back to him. I was transitioning to my current T and found that I was bringing T all that upset and fear.

Both those instances sound abusive. Not so sure about gaslighting specifically (perhaps the first one) but absolutely despicable behaviour from the therapist and worthy of a complaint if you felt like going down that road. I'm saddened and angered that you were treated this way by a supposedly trained professional. It sounds like he didn't have his own s*** in order.

Thank you. He had said things before, but they were hidden. And then it helped to leave having a T in place. Can I write a complaint for emotional abuse?

You should check out your therapist's licensing board to be sure. Emotional abuse is difficult to prove though. I was asking myself that same question today, even though my therapist works with the same ethical codes as myself! And yet, I don't know this. I've heard of complaints against therapists - in other countries though, not where I live. It seems that this is not done much here at all, even though we have guidelines on how to proceed with complaints. I think it's a cultural thing, and it's a shame, because it doesn't promote professional responsibility.

The complaint examples I've read from other countries were not about emotional abuse. The therapists were sanctioned for very administrative issues as far as I read (which I'll admit wasn't that much). I hope you will have more luck in your state, and that you can file a complaint if you choose to do so. What your therapist said to you was not OK.

I recommend also asking about it on the TELL website - TELL: Therapy Exploitation Link Line if you still have questions after checking out your therapist's licensing board guidelines for filing complaints.

It's certainly against the code of practice where I am, but as brillskep says you need to check the rules where you are. Sadly it's about what you can prove too. I second the recommendation to contact TELL. They can offer support and advice. I'm glad you have another T to process the effects of this terrible therapist with.

My therapist told me in an email: "It is clear you feel betrayed and you feel you didn't get to end things on your terms."

No, I was betrayed and I literally did not get to end things on my terms. The use of the word "feel" is pure gaslighting. This was part of a campaign of sorts wherein she tried to get me to take responsibly for the ruinous outcome of therapy and absolve herself of the mess she was running from. Even now I find it sickening.