[Moosemarcy]

Hi, I'm new here. I have so many overwhelming feeling I don't know where to start. So here it goes:
I have such pain deep inside because of my family. Not my husband and daughter. They are great. But with my extended family on my side. They have been so toxic for me. My parents died when I was twenty three and ever since then the rest of the family disintigrated. I have tried for about twenty years to make things better but nothing works. They are very toxic. It makes me so sad inside. Even my own twin sister is really bad. They are always negative and jealous. Even the nieces of the one sister are that way. It tears me up inside. I have always tried to be there for them, especially my twin and her boys. She is very destructive and an alcoholic. Her boys always came to me for help and now that they are teenagers they want nothing to do with me or my husband. They were like my sons because they had such horrible parents and it is shocking to me that they do not want to talk to us anymore. We always helped them and even at one point wanted them to live with us. I wish we could move far away to get away from the memories here. I have not spoken with them in about a year. I can't take it anymore. I've thought of seeing a therapist to help me with these feelings. I tried and tried for so many years and I think I made things worse for my daughter. They are so unfeeling and also bipolar. And only think about themselves. I sometimes wonder how they came from my parents who were great parents. It makes me feel so lonely. I need to get a handle on these feelings. My poor husband sees my pain and I know it hurts him. He is great. They hurt him so bad too. He tries so hard too make me happy and he does but that pain inside is so deep. Especially around the Holidays. Sorry for the long rant. I just needed to let this out. I am not depressed about life in general just how sad that my own blood and I mean all of them could be so sad and narcissistic. I try to take each day as it comes and try to make happiness outside these people and I try to find new people which is hard. I have tried and encounter some of these same traits. But we keep trying. They are good people out there you just have to find them.
Well I finally saw a therapist. I was actually relieved I finally did it. Well I went last week and it was okay. I let out a lot but I felt no direction from her. So I was all over the map for an hour. But it still felt good to let some of it out. So I thought it was a start. Well anyway I went for my second visit yesterday. When I first sat down she said what you are going through is basically a death of your whole family so you are grieving. Okay that makes sense so now I need to handle it and work through this process I guess. Well the whole hour she talked about getting on the internet and joining group or clubs to meet new people to make a new circle or family for me and my husband. Okay sounds great in principle. And I will try to do these things, but she made me feel that talking about my sadness was not what I needed. We did not even talk about it again for the whole hour. She sat on the internet and looked up things I could join. What do you think of that? Isn't a therapist supposed to help you with your feelings and help you get them out to heal? I understand the meeting other people but to make people a new family well that seems very hard. I don't think I will be going back to her. I just want to let all these emotions and feelings out. Sorry for the rant I am just really sad about this. And wanted an opinion. Thanks.

[Junerain]

For moosemarcy,

Please don't be dissuaded by the very first therpaist you tried- there are so many other good ones!! You have such a way about expressing yourself- you will do GREAT in therapy probably with the next one you try!! I do believe it IS good to talk about everything- and talking is encouraged by most therapists- you were right on!! I also have family that I once was close with that has shut me off, and it HURTS..... I wonder the same thing, did they really come from my same mother and father it is a burning question, no? Why do some people turn out the way they do? Can you write us more, let us know more? What a great decision to go to therapy- try one more time with someone else......they're ususally good! And what a blessing you have children and a husband of your own that are good that's something I don't have!! Write us more, love, junerain

That is wierd that she was looking things up on the internet although most therapists probably won't get in too deep with 'advice' on the first session. was it your very first session?

You may want to 'interview' other Ts to get a feel for another that you might like. I'm so sorry she wasnt there for you when you needed her to be.

[sunrise]

Hi Moosemarcy. Congratulations on reaching out, finding a therapist, and going to two sessions. That's not easy. You are really taking the initiative on helping yourself heal.

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I let out a lot but I felt no direction from her

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Many therapists do not provide a lot of direction but let the client lead the way and show what they need from therapy. If you need more direction, you could ask.

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Well the whole hour she talked about getting on the internet and joining group or clubs to meet new people to make a new circle or family for me and my husband

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Can you tell her you are not ready for this yet? It's so hard when you are first starting with a therapist. You haven't yet established your working relationship and the give and take. She doesn't know what you need and jumped the gun on her practical approach to finding you clubs to join. Try telling her this is not what you need now.

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she made me feel that talking about my sadness was not what I needed

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You know best what you need. Can you share this feeling with her? Then she has a chance to respond and say "I didn't mean to make you feel that way" or maybe she will indeed agree that was her aim. If she is not interested in helping you process your grief in therapy and this is what you feel you need, then it does sound like she is not the therapist for you. But give her a chance to respond to your thoughts and feelings first and see if you have been interpreting her correctly.

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Isn't a therapist supposed to help you with your feelings and help you get them out to heal?

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Some therapists do this but not all. You could ask her if she sees this as one of her roles. Some therapists are focused on very short term therapy--solve client's problem in 6 sessions or less--so maybe this is why she was rushing to sign you up for clubs and so on. Personally, I wouldn't want my therapy dollars wasted on my therapist looking up stuff for me on the Internet when this could be done on one's own time (unless you wanted her to do this). Therapy is expensive!

Hang in there, Moosemarcy. Therapy is hard and you have done a great deal by getting started. I hope you go back for a third session and voice your concerns. By your T's responses you will know better if you need to seek a different T. Good luck!

[Moosemarcy]

Thanks for the quick responses. I am glad I found this site. Junerain you asked to tell more. You know I don't even know how to start. When my parents died I saw such a horrible side to my family. I know things change but I was surprised at the characters of my siblings. The greediness over material things, the fighting and callousness. It was astonishing. And the ones that were doing it were so much older than I. When my mother was dying in the hospital a few of my sibling were out in the parking lot getting high every day for two weeks while my mother was slowly dying. That is how they were handling it. I was the youngest and they are twenty, twelve and seven years older than me. I was shocked. And then slowly as the years went by it got worse and worse. My twin who has been so angry, bitter and jealous of everyone but especially me has been so horrible. She is a severe alcoholic and has been a horrible mother. I would be embarrassed to even put the things she has done on this site. I have had to call Childrens Services to help save the kids. There was many a night that my daughter and I had to pick up the kids because she was on a rampage and locked them out. It is so sick. And she doesn't need alcohol to be this bad. It just intensifies it. And the other siblings also were very bad mothers. Men came before their children. It was sad the children had to raise themselves. And I always had to try to help the kids. I felt so sorry for them. Well my twin sisters boys are older now and do not want me to help anymore because they want to run wild and do whatever because they have no parents to watch over them. So they come and go and have no structure or home life. My sister is always drunk or doesn't care. It is so sad. And I am only touching on how sick it has all been. That is why I wanted to have someone to talk to. To get all these horrible sad emotions out of me. I am usually an upbeat person. I love my husband and daughter. They are great. But the last few years I felt like I was losing my self. And that I have to do something. So I thought seeing someone would help me. But this therapist was not the one I guess. How do you find another one? Just keep trying until you feel they are right? I almost feel creeped out telling them some of the things because I am so embarrassed of my family. They are sick. There was incest going on with my sisters ex-husbands new family and some of my family knew in April and never called to protect this poor child. As soon as I found out I called so it did not continue. And it was stopped. How could anyone live knowing that and not try to help. I guess I should stop now cause I could keep going and going. Thanks for listening.

[pachyderm]

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Moosemarcy said:
It was sad the children had to raise themselves. And I always had to try to help the kids. I felt so sorry for them. Well my twin sisters boys are older now and do not want me to help anymore because they want to run wild and do whatever because they have no parents to watch over them...

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You probably know this: I think your sister's kids do not "want" you to help because they think you will fail. Their hurt is so great. It sounds as though they could use professional help too.

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And I am only touching on how sick it has all been. That is why I wanted to have someone to talk to. To get all these horrible sad emotions out of me. I am usually an upbeat person. I love my husband and daughter. They are great. But the last few years I felt like I was losing my self. And that I have to do something. So I thought seeing someone would help me. But this therapist was not the one I guess. How do you find another one? Just keep trying until you feel they are right?

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It is good you have your husband and daughter. How do you find a therapist that fits you? That's the question lots of us face. I think you do have to try until they feel right. Not easy.

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Thanks for listening.

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That's our job!