[amuseable]

All week I have been struggling with a reopened wound from a therapist quite a few years ago. My entire soul and body feel ill with its impact. I phoned my T earlier today because although I'm scheduled to see him tomorrow I felt so shaky and unsure whether I could actually work today. All the pain of the experience with the old T has made me question whether my present T will dump me suddenly. I feel very bonded with this present T. I just needed to talk to him because I have been onmy own with this reopened wound a week now and I felt I was sinking fast. Big mistake. I could tell he just was annoyed and did not want to talk to me at all. For me it was a kind of confirmation of what I have been fearing ... he is sick of me and is going to dump me probably. I don't blame him really. I wish I were not so tiresome. It was his first day back at work after a holiday and he probably had loads of phonecalls to return and so on. I understand he is human. If, though, he is sick of me as I fear then I think I will give upon human relationships altogether. I just don't think I can do the impossible again .... trust another human being. It may simply be that I am too difficult a case. I try not to be but that may not be enough. I have been told more than once that I have one of the most severe cases of trauma and relatively-speaking I do amazingly well overall. I am on disability but I also work part-time now. But the same old issues of trust and fear of abandoment come back again and again in my therapy and I can tell it is tiresome for him. He is a really wonderful person. I don't blame him. I just wish things were diferent within me.
The reason abandonment is so overwhelming for me is probably close to the same reason most people hate and fear it I suppose. Though when I was 13 I was stabbed and left in a field to die. The most soul shattering experience of my life was the realization that noone in the world would lift a finger to help me (there were passersby) and that I was going to be left alone to die. So always those words are in the very back of my stupid mind "You are going to be left alone to die" . There are other ways I have been abandoned as well. I have come to bond with this T so much and I feel oh my God I don't know whether I can survive another abandonment.
Sorry for the mength of this post.

[Gracey]

Alright girl. . .look here. Stop. . .think about what's REAL, what's RIGHT NOW, and what's PAST. You said in your other post. . .

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I have been with this T for 3 years and I trust him more than I have ever trusted anyone in my entire life. I hate it when he goes on vacation. (Last session I told him " You can't go away on vacation, You just can't. I hate it hate it hate it." And he looked at me with those blue eyes and softly said "I know, I know that's how you feel... but hey, you'll be okay. You've been okay before." (when he went away).
I cannot bear the thought of ever ending therapy, seriously. I just cannot even go there. I have never ever had a relationship like the one I have with him; it has opened up so many windows for me. I have started treating myself with some of the kindness and love he has shown and taught me. I have started believing in humanity again.

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Now. . .does this sound like someone who is going to "dump" you for no reason? If he is investing his time and energy to love you and show you kindness, why would he dump you? Do you think someone who has done what he's done is even capable of doing what you fear?

I know you're hurting right now. I know you feel left and abandoned and I also know that YOU KNOW you're projecting your feelings onto your current T. I think you really know he isn't going to bail on you, but worrying that he will, thinking about gives you a sense of preparing for it in some way, and not being sprung with a surprise like last time.

Think carefully. . .very carefully. Make a list of things you KNOW and things you feel. See if they add up (I'll bet you $5 they dont!) Evaluate the sitaution.

oh my (((((((((amuseable))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry. I can understand why you find it difficult to trust.Don't give up on healing. Let him/her help you along. You deserve the help and support you need.

[amuseable]

Thanks Gracey. I just get so caught up in the fear that I will make him sick of me. Sometimes I can pull myself back and remember our overall history and other times it is so slippery I can't seem to hold onto it for very long. Do you think my post sounded dumb?

[amuseable]

thank you Esther for your kind words and the hug. I really needed them today.

[Gracey]

Oh sweetie. . .lol NO your post did not sound dumb. Desperate, yes. But not dumb.

Listen, you should see my bathroom/dressing room. There are lists stuck everywhere. Some of them are like, little sayings that keep me *inspired* or help me keep my chin up. Sometimes it's scriptuer. Lots of times, it really is a list. On one side, Truth. On the other, Feelings. They coincide sometimes, but not always. It helps me keep perspective. (And no, it's not an OCD thing!) It gives me a visual reference - so when I'm feeling like ***** I can go look at it and figure out what's real and what just feels really bad.

An old friend once asked me, "Whose driving this train honey? You? Or your feelings?"

For what it's worth. . . :smile