Two weeks until I see him again.
Nine days until he can return a phone call.

He was incredibly sensitive today. He let the session go for an hour and fifteen minutes.

He said that it hurts him to see how difficult this is for me. He asked, "Are you worried that I won't have you in my thoughts while I'm away?" I said I'm always worried about that. He said, "Well, which poem should I bring with me?" I asked him why on earth would he want to bring one of my poems with him. He said, "So that you can be sure that I will have something of you for the time. " He asked if that seemed strange. I laughed and said that I was imagining him being forced to think of me against his will. I told him just don't bring the poems about transference. He asked why not, and I made a really bad attempt to lie my way through answering the question, lol. I said, "Well, you know... you have good taste in literature and poetry... and um, those aren't really my best poems... so uh... I wouldn't want to expose you to bad poetry....and...... I'm lying. ." And he laughed and goes, "I know. That was a really pathetic attempt." lol So I told him, "Fine. You take a poem. But what do I have to hold on to?" And he said, "Did you know that technically, you can't give someone a transitional object?" I asked him what he meant and he said, "Well, that's what this guy says..." And he hands me a book by D.W. Winnicott, 'Playing and Reality' It's about what determines someone's capacity to live creatively and how Winnicott thought that this starts in childhood through transitional objects. So T said he thought the book would be great for me, especially since we have been talking about transitional objects lately. He called it a gift. He gave me a book.

We kept parts of the session light. We talked about why we like Freud. We talked about the Psychoanalytic Diagnostic Manual and Nancy McWilliams' interpretations of borderline character functioning and borderline personality disorder. I told him how in all my treatment before him, I was always labeled by doctors and therapists as a "borderline." He told me, "You will never be labeled like that again as long as you are in here." He said that in relation to the Winnicott book, he would really like to start talking with me about play.

Towards the end we were talking about some issues between me and my husband and T could see that I was totally somewhere else. He said, "Where are you right now?" I told him, "The only thing I can say to you is-- don't go." He asked me if the music has helped. I said it has. He said, "I hope this doesn't seem too much like Santa Claus, but I made you copied you some jazz improv CDs that I want to give you. I don't mean to overwhelm you with things, but I know how hard this is and I think between all of these things you will find a way to stay connected." I said that if between three CDs and a book, I can't t find one single thing to hold onto, I need way more help than we think, lol.

I told him I was trying very hard not to cry. He said to let him know on our next session if I wanted to do the hour and a half sessions. (I'm still playing it cool, lol). He told me that he was changing his voice message to say that he is away. That I could leave messages if I wanted, but he wouldn't be able to call back until the 4th. That there would be a covering therapist for emergencies. (Should I call and tell my life story? haha)

All in all, it was a beautiful session. The tears came immediately afterward. I am listening to one of the jazz CDs now. I can't wait to curl up with the book. My emotions are all over the place. It's scary to think about how I have been feeling lately and how he will not be accessible next week. I'm sort of falling apart because I'm dealing first with the fact that he will be gone next week, but then in back of that, there's the session reduction thing. And part of me is connected with him. For now. Something from today's session is still with me. I know I am in for a rough two weeks, but I intend to work at it.

I do want to call the voicemail just to hear his voice, but I don't necessarily want to hear an "I'm away" message. I'm not ready for that. It makes the whole thing too real. I have two messages from him that are saved on my cell phone.

I miss him very much already.

[Lemon]

""He said, "Well, which poem should I bring with me?""

That is the most amazing session. I don't even know what to say except he is a wonderful T for you!

I'm very interested in the transitional object thing. I had always thought that was somehow crossing boundaries. I thought that most T's didn't accept or give things to clients, but in the past few weeks there have been several posts in this forum about T's giving people objects. How do T's decide when this crosses a boundary and when it is theraputic?

At the end of my last session I was having a lot of anger at my T. I'm sure it was obvious. I was writing the time of our next session in my calendar and she asked me if I wanted her to write it down and I said no because I was taken off guard and she'd never said that before. Now I wish I had accepted. Even a piece of paper with the next session time writen on it from her would feel nice. Seems needy but I wish I would have said yes.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
He was incredibly sensitive today.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Ahhhhhh. (((hugs)))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
He said that it hurts him to see how difficult this is for me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I love when they let us see that we have affected them.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"Did you know that technically, you can't give someone a transitional object?"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
An intriguing statement. I hope after you have read the book, you will let us know what this means.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
We talked about the Psychoanalytic Diagnostic Manual and Nancy McWilliams' interpretations of borderline character functioning and borderline personality disorder. I told him how in all my treatment before him, I was always labeled by doctors and therapists as a "borderline." He told me, "You will never be labeled like that again as long as you are in here."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
(My T doesn't label people either.)

Sounds like a great session, pinksoil. Hold onto your T! (((hugs)))

[MissCharlotte]

((Pinksoil))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
He said that it hurts him to see how difficult this is for me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That is beautiful. It hurts me to read it because I am hurting so much right now too.

It reminded me of my last session with T when he said I should congratulate myself on showing up because a lot of people cancel the last session before vacation because they just don't want to deal with the separation.

All I want to do now is cry but I can't for some reason. Today I am split and I'm lost.


1 week 3 days till my next appointment
6 days till I can call him

[pachyderm]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
We talked about why we like Freud. We talked about the Psychoanalytic Diagnostic Manual and Nancy McWilliams' interpretations of borderline character functioning and borderline personality disorder. I told him how in all my treatment before him, I was always labeled by doctors and therapists as a "borderline."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I have several articles by a mathematician named E.C Zeeman, who, a number of years ago, did some modeling of anorexia nervosa, following the therapy of J. Hevesi, a British therapist. I have found Zeeman's work very valuable in understanding my own situation. One thing he said is "The advantage of using mathematical language for a model is that it is psychologically neutral; it permits a coherent synthesis of a large number of observations that would otherwise appear disconnected..."

You may think that mathematics might be the last thing that would be helpful in understanding "mental illness," but in this case that is not so. One of the things I find about myself at the moment is that my mental state/mood is very unstable. So I think I might be considered "borderline character" something or other. It is very easy for this kind of characterization to become a damaging label. But instability does not have to be so; it can just be a fact, and accepted as such. It does not have to be made into a value statement about someone's character. The mathematical model, called, at least at the time, "Catastrophe Theory," shows how to understand the instability, and maybe leads to how to successfully treat it.

[lauren_helene]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
Two weeks until I see him again.
Nine days until he can return a phone call.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I feel your pain here. I remember going 18 days and almost had a royal fit.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
He was incredibly sensitive today. He let the session go for an hour and fifteen minutes.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Aw, I'm so glad he did this. I think mine went 10 minutes over earlier this week. It's the little things that make all the difference.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
He said that it hurts him to see how difficult this is for me. He asked, "Are you worried that I won't have you in my thoughts while I'm away?" I said I'm always worried about that. He said, "Well, which poem should I bring with me?"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This is what I love about your T. He knows what you need and is confident enough in himself that he can provide it and still keep boundaries.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
I asked him why on earth would he want to bring one of my poems with him. He said, "So that you can be sure that I will have something of you for the time. " He asked if that seemed strange. I laughed and said that I was imagining him being forced to think of me against his will.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This is such a powerful statement and I'm laughing because you both can find the humor in it at the same time. That is great!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
He asked why not, and I made a really bad attempt to lie my way through answering the question, lol. I said, "Well, you know... you have good taste in literature and poetry... and um, those aren't really my best poems... so uh... I wouldn't want to expose you to bad poetry....and...... I'm lying. ." And he laughed and goes, "I know. That was a really pathetic attempt." lol

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I love this exchange!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
So T said he thought the book would be great for me, especially since we have been talking about transitional objects lately. He called it a gift. He gave me a book.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I haven't heard of transitional objects. I'll be googling that one today! Aw, is this your first 'gift'? It's very appropriate

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
I told him how in all my treatment before him, I was always labeled by doctors and therapists as a "borderline." He told me, "You will never be labeled like that again as long as you are in here." He said that in relation to the Winnicott book, he would really like to start talking with me about play.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

My T says that some doctors are quick to label patients as borderline because they don't like them or can't handle whatever it is that is going on. Probably in experience with the doctor.

I'm so glad your T said you will never be labeled again.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
I told him, "The only thing I can say to you is-- don't go."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Pink, I'm going to be saying this to my T real soon. I know he's moving one day and I'm devastated already. Its not just the therapy I'm talking about. If he goes, I'll never know if he is okay or needs anything or just wants to talk or laugh. I'll never see him again.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
I miss him very much already.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I know I'm sorry your are in pain. I think he handled the whole session beautifully. He is so genuine and isn't afraid to show that.

Sending you hugs ((((pink))))

[Perna]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
He said, "Well, which poem should I bring with me?" I asked him why on earth would he want to bring one of my poems with him. He said, "So that you can be sure that I will have something of you for the time. " He asked if that seemed strange. I laughed and said that I was imagining him being forced to think of me against his will.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Ooooh, been there, done that; I gave my T a tiny, articulated, stuffed bear in a jester suit :-) and asked her to keep him for me until I asked for him back (He is named "Queen's Knight" and was one of my "protectors"). I felt like part of me was being held captive, LOL. I felt like if I weren't "honest" and didn't work as hard as I could that maybe my T would punish it or not give it back or something.

Thank you to everyone who replied. I was doing horrible this morning. Crying and everything. It was like all the strength and connection that I felt when I had left the session had vanished. Felt like the little kid took over. I ended up calling his message to hear the voicemail and in some weird way it made me feel a little better to hear him say the date that he will be out until. It made it not seem so far away.... and instead of the message making it more realistic that he's gone, it made it more realistic that he's coming back. I felt better because even though I won't get to see him until the 7th he will be back on the 3rd and at least he will be accessible at that point. I started to read a little bit of the book. That helped a bit. I am going to read more in a little while.

[WinterRose]

(((pinksoil)))
You have such a caring therapist. I'd miss him too. Glad the voice mail helped. Hang in there.

Hang in there! You always have us if you need us!! You do have an awesome T!
Take care,
Soliaree

Holy %#@&#!, this is starting to hurt like hell. It comes in waves. I knew nighttime would be the hardest. It always is, even when he's here. But normally if it becomes intolerable I can leave him a message and he will call back the next day. I had no idea how very much it would affect me just know that that is not possible right now. I have the object constancy and the emotional regulation of a 2 month old. It feels permanent. Like I lost something. I want to listen to some of the music he gave me, write in a my journal a bit, and then go to bed. But right at this moment I feel like I've been left to orbit and if something goes wrong there' s nothing to hold onto. Sleeping would probably be the best option at this point. I had an awful night of sleep last night as I always do if I don't take Klonopin before bed. I am trying to be very careful with my Klonopin because I don't see the new pdoc until the 18th. So until then, all I've got is what I've got. I feel very much like a little girl when he's gone... As I begin to explore the different parts of my personality that are not yet integrated, I realize that it's the inner-child that does most of the missing, holds most of that pain. I am aware of the moments in which I deal with his absence in a most child-like manner-- suddenly putting down the book I'm reading, going upstairs, holding a stuffed animal and crying... and then it goes away for a bit. But even in the most "adult" moments, I feel as though I'm just going through the motions... forcing myself to be that part of myself.

[TryingToCope]

(((((pinksoil))))) Hang in there. We're all here for you.

hey. i remember how it felt when my t went away. spent some time breaking up. not nice.

why does he want to talk to you about play? my t has been mumbling something about play to me lately. wonder if they are thinking along similar lines. what do you suppose it is about?

uh... hang in there. sorry things suck right now.