How to bring up sex with therapist of opposite gender

SummerTime12 · Jan 18, 2017, 09:06 PM

I've always seen female therapists previously (I'm female) but I just switched to a male therapist. A lot of my issues relate back to past sexual abuse and less than ideal situations. I know I'll have to talk through this stuff quite a bit to resolve things, but have no idea how to bring it up or if I even should yet. I chose to see a male therapist so I could work on trusting men and feeling safe with them (I only feel 100% safe with my husband). This therapist seems nice so far and doesn't give off any creepy vibes, but I still don't know how he'd respond. I don't want to make him uncomfortable and I wonder if I should wait til I've been seeing him longer to develop more trust, but at the same time I know it will prob be awkward no matter when it's done. Any advice appreciated, thanks!

Argonautomobile · Jan 19, 2017, 12:19 AM

My male T was wonderful about this topic. I think any T worth his salt is sensitive to the potential issues his gender brings up for clients.

SummerTime12 · Jan 19, 2017, 01:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

My male T was wonderful about this topic. I think any T worth his salt is sensitive to the potential issues his gender brings up for clients.

Thanks! I'm just so worried that it will come off as inappropriate, but I truly do have to discuss it sooner than later. I just don't even know how to begin lol

Argonautomobile · Jan 19, 2017, 12:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

Thanks! I'm just so worried that it will come off as inappropriate, but I truly do have to discuss it sooner than later. I just don't even know how to begin lol

Inappropriate in what way?

I ask because I had (have) a similar concern that I couldn't quite articulate, and trying to articulate it made me realize how ridiculous it was.

I was afraid to bring it up--afraid it was "inappropriate" because...well, I wasn't sure why. Because it was "impolite," I guess. Nice people don't talk about such things.

Which is a stupid reason to stay quiet. It's therapy, after all, not a tea party with the Queen. Where else are you supposed to be able to talk about such things, if not with a therapist?

LonesomeTonight · Jan 19, 2017, 01:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

I've always seen female therapists previously (I'm female) but I just switched to a male therapist. A lot of my issues relate back to past sexual abuse and less than ideal situations. I know I'll have to talk through this stuff quite a bit to resolve things, but have no idea how to bring it up or if I even should yet. I chose to see a male therapist so I could work on trusting men and feeling safe with them (I only feel 100% safe with my husband). This therapist seems nice so far and doesn't give off any creepy vibes, but I still don't know how he'd respond. I don't want to make him uncomfortable and I wonder if I should wait til I've been seeing him longer to develop more trust, but at the same time I know it will prob be awkward no matter when it's done. Any advice appreciated, thanks!

I felt weird about bringing up sex in front of our male marriage counselor. I think I said that I felt awkward talking about it, and he was like, "I'm a psychologist! I've heard everything. You can talk about anything." So that made me feel better about it, but I still find I stare at the carpet and can't look at him if we're talking about anything sexual. And since it's marriage counseling, that's a topic that comes up from time to time.

Maybe you could just start by saying you wanted to bring up some issues related to your past, but you feel weird doing so with him because of what they relate to. And hopefully he'll get where you're going with that, or can help guide you. Or if he asks why you feel weird, say it's because he's of the opposite gender, and then he should get what sort of thing you want to talk about. Or if you can't say it, write it down/type it and hand it to him.

SummerTime12 · Jan 19, 2017, 01:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

Inappropriate in what way?

I ask because I had (have) a similar concern that I couldn't quite articulate, and trying to articulate it made me realize how ridiculous it was.

I was afraid to bring it up--afraid it was "inappropriate" because...well, I wasn't sure why. Because it was "impolite," I guess. Nice people don't talk about such things.

Which is a stupid reason to stay quiet. It's therapy, after all, not a tea party with the Queen. Where else are you supposed to be able to talk about such things, if not with a therapist?

I totally get this. I think because he's a guy it just feels wrong to talk about things like that. I guess I almost worry he'll see me as slutty and won't take me seriously , but I never had that concern with female therapists

SummerTime12 · Jan 19, 2017, 01:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I felt weird about bringing up sex in front of our male marriage counselor. I think I said that I felt awkward talking about it, and he was like, "I'm a psychologist! I've heard everything. You can talk about anything." So that made me feel better about it, but I still find I stare at the carpet and can't look at him if we're talking about anything sexual. And since it's marriage counseling, that's a topic that comes up from time to time.

Maybe you could just start by saying you wanted to bring up some issues related to your past, but you feel weird doing so with him because of what they relate to. And hopefully he'll get where you're going with that, or can help guide you. Or if he asks why you feel weird, say it's because he's of the opposite gender, and then he should get what sort of thing you want to talk about. Or if you can't say it, write it down/type it and hand it to him.

Thank you. I actually just had a session and it pretty much went exactly like the advise you just gave! He was asking me about something in my past and I said I didn't feel comfortable talking about it because of what it has to do with. He then guessed that it was sexual and said it was ok to take my time and disclose when I'm ready. I also brought up the gender thing. Now I just have to figure out how to make myself say the uncomfortable things 😣

Argonautomobile · Jan 19, 2017, 01:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

I totally get this. I think because he's a guy it just feels wrong to talk about things like that. I guess I almost worry he'll see me as slutty and won't take me seriously , but I never had that concern with female therapists

That makes sense to me. Abuse is all about being viewed/treated sexually without your consent, right? Of course you'd worry about the same thing happening again.

I remember having this lightning-quick, horrifying little thought about talking to T about sexual abuse:

Possible trigger:

Wouldn't it be awful if he got a hard-on?

Which is ridiculous. And it mortifies me that I even thought that for a moment. But, hey, that's what trauma does to a person.

I think it's really brave of you to seek out a male T to talk about this type of thing. If he's worth his salt, he won't see you as "slutty" or otherwise sexualize you. I wish you the best of luck.

Moment · Jan 19, 2017, 03:35 PM

I am female with a much older male therapist, and it has been astonishingly therapeutic to talk with him about disturbing sexual issues. Meanwhile, I have a female marriage therapist and I am extremely uncomfortable discussing anything sexual in front of her. I think you just have to try it out and see how you feel about it.

SummerTime12 · Jan 19, 2017, 04:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

That makes sense to me. Abuse is all about being viewed/treated sexually without your consent, right? Of course you'd worry about the same thing happening again.

I remember having this lightning-quick, horrifying little thought about talking to T about sexual abuse:

Possible trigger:

Wouldn't it be awful if he got a hard-on?

Which is ridiculous. And it mortifies me that I even thought that for a moment. But, hey, that's what trauma does to a person.

I think it's really brave of you to seek out a male T to talk about this type of thing. If he's worth his salt, he won't see you as "slutty" or otherwise sexualize you. I wish you the best of luck.

Omg I had the exact same thought and worry! I certainly hope it would never happen.
Thank you❤️ I'm trying to be brave but just facing this topic with him is terrifying

SummerTime12 · Jan 19, 2017, 04:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moment

I am female with a much older male therapist, and it has been astonishingly therapeutic to talk with him about disturbing sexual issues. Meanwhile, I have a female marriage therapist and I am extremely uncomfortable discussing anything sexual in front of her. I think you just have to try it out and see how you feel about it.

That's interesting that you're more comfortable discussing it with him, I'm glad it's been therapeutic for you. I'm hoping to have that kind of experience too

Argonautomobile · Jan 19, 2017, 05:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

Omg I had the exact same thought and worry! I certainly hope it would never happen.
Thank you❤️ I'm trying to be brave but just facing this topic with him is terrifying

Thanks, Summer. It's really nice not to feel alone. Remember, you can take things at your own pace, like your T said. It sounds like he's been really good about it so far.

junkDNA · Jan 19, 2017, 05:12 PM

i remember my T bringing it up first. we discussed my sexual history. some of my trauma is from sexual abuse. it is easier to talk about with my T now. oh, he's male by the way, and im female. he noted that sexuality seems to freak me out. i said yes. he said maybe im not ready to talk about it yet. i think in that regard he meant my sexuality in the present moment. i think it takes a good rapport and lots of trust to broach this subject

junkDNA · Jan 19, 2017, 05:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

Thanks, Summer. It's really nice not to feel alone. Remember, you can take things at your own pace, like your T said. It sounds like he's been really good about it so far.

argo, u are alone in having that thought.

SummerTime12 · Jan 21, 2017, 03:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by junkDNA

i remember my T bringing it up first. we discussed my sexual history. some of my trauma is from sexual abuse. it is easier to talk about with my T now. oh, he's male by the way, and im female. he noted that sexuality seems to freak me out. i said yes. he said maybe im not ready to talk about it yet. i think in that regard he meant my sexuality in the present moment. i think it takes a good rapport and lots of trust to broach this subject

Thanks for sharing this! I agree it will take lots of trust. I also think it's probably easier to discuss past abuse than current sexuality.. for some reason it makes me feel more vulnerable

Menu

My Support Forums - Mental Health Support Groups

Get emotional support and friendship from others like you!

Our community offers: No spam. No trolls. No social media connections.

How to bring up sex with therapist of opposite gender

My Support Forums