[Annalina]

Ok, I won´t go too deep into my personal history. Too long story to be told in a foreign language.

My main issue is now "Who can decide if You are sick or sane, ultimately?" and I am really concerned with this question now, as I have decided to leave a psychoanalysis after half a year, feeling that artificial problems are being produced there and the REAL stuff that troubles me is being totally neglected.

I have been told a sentence that provoked a blizzard deep in myself and that was "Well if You didn´d feel you are having problems, You wouldn´t be here, right?" (Oh. All the people with really severe personality disturbances whom I know who refuse any kind of treatment popped into my mind and I kept thinking "So does the fact that they don´t go to therapy makes THEM sane whereas my willingness to go there makes ME sick?") ... that was a response to my defence that I don´t feel that my relationships with men would be the main (if not only) cause of my problems.

WHAT IF my problem is that I constantly seek a diagnosis or treatment for myself, because deep inside I think that I must be sick or deviant - that´s what my dysfunctional family taught me, yeah. Of course when a 12 y.o. stops eating and doesn´t want to live, SHE is diagnosed and proclaimed sick and continues go to submit to f****** therapies even though she doesn´t really know whether she needs them... sorry. I see I am not good in writing case studies.

I am just twisting from mental pain unable to solve the question of my own sanity.

The reasons for going to therapy are not clear cut. It doesn't mean you are either sick or not sick. I obviously don't know you, but just from reading your post, I would think it comes down to this:

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I am just twisting from mental pain unable to solve the question of my own sanity.

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Is sounds as though you are suffering. Perhaps you are seeking out treatment for yourself because you know you don't feel right... you don't have to think deep inside that you are sick or a deviant... if you feel unrest within yourself then that's enough to go seek treatment.

Are you thinking of trying another therapist? What type of artificial problems do you think came up in psychoanalysis? My therapy is in analysis as well, and I could understand how it would seem that artificial problems would come up. Analysis often makes me think/rethink/question/wonder/worry etc. It makes things pop up that weren't there before.... but they are part of me... so I know they are not artificial. I have been in it for two years so far. Sometimes I don't even know what the "real" stuff is anymore. I guess all of it is.

Take care.

[Annalina]

The thing is, I was open to the therapist with my religion (i.e. Neopagan) and sexuality (I´m polyamorous and into BDSM) and to her it´s a pathology itself. We almost argued a couple of times, when she tried to tell me (several times) that the reason of my feelings of stress/discomfort are due to the "subconscious struggle between two men". And she was very suspicious about the religion too, trying to get it down to some sort of "rebellion against traditional values" thing. Also, I managed to find a stable housing independent from my parents two years ago and I am really glad I am out of the reach of my family... well "family". I have absolutely no desire to spend my life and precious expensive therapy session talking about THEM! And my mother´s sexual problems or puritan upbringing.

I just wanna live on my own, Gee, don´t I have my WHOLE LIFE to contemplate about my parents´ past? I am 20 my first years of university, I have a lot of plans for future but very fragile psychosomatic health...

I had this issue about local BDSM-fetish subculture that I had entered few years ago to find myself and that was another topic she seemed totally shocked about, never heard about it (just as with Paganism, religion is also one of the main issues of my concern now), and was prejudiced a lot.

So what is it good for, if I am unable to talk about issues I feel need to talk to with somebody? Instead, I am made pathological... I am not going to fight with somebody over the issue of a open relationship. I have lived this way since ever and I am more happy after I acknowledged this model.

If I want professional help, my only chance is to keep my mouth shut about certain issues, and I admit it has worked before - I cannot expect anybody from this world to understand subcultures where I live. Yet as it is clear, keeping one´s mouth shut means no deep therapeutic relationship may evolve.

And this was second therapist. The first one kept asking me obsessively about what sexual practices do I do and if we have group orgies (liberal as I am i felt very uncomfortable being asked as you may imagine) and seemed to have never heard of consensual power exchange (SM).

We don´t have any Kink Aware Professionals here nor Pagan clergy so I think I am f***ed and have to help myself. I feel down, as if I was bothersome to the whole society