I haven't been around much lately because I have been going through a grieving process for old t and adjusting to new t. So far t has been really great for me. She doesn't push or let her own stuff contaminate my therapy like ex t did. Last night in therapy, new t and I talked about my ex t. She asked me to pick a stone to represent her. As I picked a stone and imagined it was t I started to feel very uncomfortable. My uncomfortableness was around what I told new t about ex t. I never mentioned it here as it would probably be too triggering. As I was telling new t about that session with old t I began to go into shock.i was sweating, feeling faint, lips shaking hands shaking and clammy. This has never happened before and it scared me so much.
New t was very good and gave me a pen to write because she recognised that I couldn't speak. She then asked if perhaps there was no words? At this point I was froze, I couldn't move. T said that it was ok I would be ok. She gave me a blanket and made some tea. She said she didn't want to push me and asked if we should put the breaks on? I nodded because it felt like the best thing to do. All day today I have been in another world. It's hard to focus and concentrate and I have been getting sick all day. This reaction really scared me. T asked if I was scared of ex t? I am scared and was scared especially this session we were talking about. T said that she wasn't going to push me to stay in contact like ex t did. I now realise that ex t was retraumatising me. She was reacting to me and we were both triggering each other. I feel really scared and question how I let this happen for so long. New t thinks it was an enactment for both me and my therapist she also suggested a projective identification.

[lucozader]

I'm so sorry you went through that, it sounds really scary. It seems like your ex-T left you very traumatised. Your new T seems to be taking good care of you though, and recognising your limits.

[thesnowqueen]

That's quite a reaction! Sounds like ex-T was REALLY bad news. From what I've seen/heard/experienced we need to give Ts a lot of info in order to heal. Those Ts who are unethical, or uncontained, can deliberately - or unintentionally - use that info to manipulate us. I think that's why these relationships continue even once we kind of know something is wrong.

[Out There]

It's an important thing to realise Ex T was retraumatising you but I understand it's very painful and that you will be grieving. It's a big thing to leave these people and we do need support. New T sounds great. My thoughts are with you and a big hug.

[LonesomeTonight]

That sounds scary, Mona--like a panic attack x 10. Sounds like you had some great insight come out of it though. Get some rest...

[skeksi]

I've had some reactions like that and it can be so scary. I'm glad the new T is careful not to let you get too overwhelmed. Be gentle with yourself.

[stopdog]

I hope the new one is better for you

[satsuma]

I'm sorry that you had such a bad reaction. New T sounds really good and really caring. It seems like a really good thing that you are not seeing the old T, even though you will now be going through a horrible time realising how she was very bad for you. I hope you can come out the other side and things will get much better now.

That's a really bad reaction and I'm glad new T picked up on it. Hugs! Ex T has been really wounding for you.

Thank you for all the responses! New t has been really great with trauma and I can really see how old t traumatised me by shouting at me and blaming me for rejecting her when I started to go into shock and disassociate. New t stays really quiet and hands me paper and says it's ok if there are no words. She asks me to look around the room and pick something to focus on if I can't make contact with her. She doesn't force me into making contact or staying in contact with her.

My last session with ex t was very upsetting and distressing and I seen a side to her that was very frightening. She has a whole side to her that was very wounding to me. She said some stuff that should never be said to any client, stuff that I couldn't just ignore any longer. She really tried to damage me and then made herself look like the victim. I obviously triggered her insecurities and my god did she let them explode into me. I said I never meant to hurt her to make her feel better and she reached out for both my hands and I hugged her very tightly because I knew she needed it. She realised she went too far and I would never go back to her! It was really scary and disorientating

[here today]

I think you put it very well, that you triggered your ex t's insecurities and then she re-traumatized you in her (uncontrolled) triggered state. It is very scary, happened to me, too. But, for me, the retraumatization wasn't entirely, or sometimes much at all, conscious because of defenses (dissociation, etc.) still in place from the original trauma.

There's a blog on the main PC site that wasn't meant to address therapy but I think it applied in my case. I mentioned it on another thread, but am posting it here because i know you're training to become a T. If it's something that T's can be taught about in advance and warned to look out for it in their clients, then maybe therapists can help recognize this pattern and do something else about it before we have to reenact and learn the hard way -- if we ever do. T's aren't perfect, of course, but we do legitimately look to them, I think, to know more about this kind of stuff than we do.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knott...-relationship/

It does sound like your experience with ex-T was traumatizing. Reading your posts over time, I still think she was rather unhealthy and also lacked some basic sense of responsibility. I am so glad that you see the old experience for what it was now though even if it has taken a lot of discomfort. Also glad that the new therapist is not pushing you and recognizes what's going on and where limits are.

[satsuma]

It's very scary to think that ex T is a practising T. It's not your responsibility OP and I don't think you should have to worry about it right now. But just saying that it really shows, a T meets people in such a vulnerable position, it's very scary to think of Ts who are unbalanced and incompetent.

Originally Posted by here today

I think you put it very well, that you triggered your ex t's insecurities and then she re-traumatized you in her (uncontrolled) triggered state. It is very scary, happened to me, too. But, for me, the retraumatization wasn't entirely, or sometimes much at all, conscious because of defenses (dissociation, etc.) still in place from the original trauma.

There's a blog on the main PC site that wasn't meant to address therapy but I think it applied in my case. I mentioned it on another thread, but am posting it here because i know you're training to become a T. If it's something that T's can be taught about in advance and warned to look out for it in their clients, then maybe therapists can help recognize this pattern and do something else about it before we have to reenact and learn the hard way -- if we ever do. T's aren't perfect, of course, but we do legitimately look to them, I think, to know more about this kind of stuff than we do.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knott...-relationship/

Thank you for this and I can relate to a lot of this article. I was in a fixer upper relationship with my t for sure. I ended up fixing her and trying to soothe her even after she was very abusive and wanted to hold my hands. That's the first time we had touched.
I am sorry you were retraumatised by your t too, it's a really horrible experience. I hope you have found a better t now? Yes and we survive by taking ourselves away from the trauma by dissociating. It felt nice to be met in that place by new t and not forced to come out of it like old t did and accuse me of rejecting her.

[Elio]

Mona, that sounds intense and scary, the experience with ex-T and when trying to address/discuss it with new T. I'm glad new T backed away and provide you with some comfort and safety. It sounded like new T tried to take care of both your physical and mental needs of being in shock.

I have had moments of disassociation that sound similar but not exactly like what you describe. At one time, I felt like I was no longer connected to me or my memories and someone could have told me that x happened to me and I was so disconnected I would have believed them. It took me a few days to move away from that level of disconnection and about 10 days before I started feeling like myself. I felt very much in a daze. Sure I was going to work and doing life stuff. I described it to my T as it felt like I was blank and waiting for a new program to be installed. I kept imagining that this is what it feels like to be a robot in iRobot. I had the 3 laws and knew how to move, ect... but didn't know me or my personality.

So - it doesn't surprise me that you have felt in another world after this experience, they can shake the very fabric of who we are, who we think/feel we are (the woven neurological basis of what makes us us).

BTW - I have missed you here, I am glad to hear that you have been doing what you need to do for yourself. Take care, Mona!

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

It does sound like your experience with ex-T was traumatizing. Reading your posts over time, I still think she was rather unhealthy and also lacked some basic sense of responsibility. I am so glad that you see the old experience for what it was now though even if it has taken a lot of discomfort. Also glad that the new therapist is not pushing you and recognizes what's going on and where limits are.

This is what new t said that the responsibility is always with the therapist. She said ex t went to far and pushed her own stuff onto me instead of taking responsibility for her own feelings.

Originally Posted by satsuma

It's very scary to think that ex T is a practising T. It's not your responsibility OP and I don't think you should have to worry about it right now. But just saying that it really shows, a T meets people in such a vulnerable position, it's very scary to think of Ts who are unbalanced and incompetent.

It is scary. I am shocked at how she behaved that last day. It was really ugly and hard to see. She completely ignored me and my needs and instead allowed her trigger to control the session. I felt triggered by her fear and her getting upset and crying, I abandoned myself to take care of her again.

[chihirochild]

Good heavens mona, I'm awfully sorry about what happened with ex T.

For what it's worth, I had a mini-"going into shock" moment once in session. I had been seeing T for about a year, and I hadn't told her (or anyone else, for that matter) about my SH. One day I finally told her, and we spent the rest of the session processing it. At the end of the session when it was time to go, I tried to get up but then felt dizzy and I couldn't see because there were too many flashy dots.

T was really good about it. She got me a glass of water and helped me do a grounding exercise. And she sat with me and talked to me gently until I was okay again, and then watched to make sure I was okay going down the stairs. I felt really embarrassed because it was obvious that my stupid unconscious was like, "NOPE, NOT TIME TO LEAVE T YET." And I kept apologizing because I felt like an idiot and I felt terrible for wasting T's time. But she was very kind about the whole thing.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

This is what new t said that the responsibility is always with the therapist. She said ex t went to far and pushed her own stuff onto me instead of taking responsibility for her own feelings.

Yes. This is 100% true, and I hope you can come to agree with it.

[here today]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

. . .
I am sorry you were retraumatised by your t too, it's a really horrible experience. I hope you have found a better t now?

Thanks for asking, no it's happened to me over and over again. Undoubtedly my fault, yes? if the same thing keeps happening over and over again?

I've given up. The profession doesn't take this thing seriously -- or at least it hasn't. It would be foolish, I believe, for me to try any more on this "fixer-upper" system, at least in the area of the world where I live.