[FindPeace]

I had a post almost written out and I lost it. grrrrr. Like alot of people I was raised in a very invalidating environment.
Having lived through emotional, sexual and physical abuse.
When I was a child (not sure how old) I was watching TV and a character was validating another character and to hear something that was foreign to me, felt good. Even tho it wasn't happening to me. Over the years I got into friendships because of the person being invalidating to me.
Eventually the friendships would fall apart.

Today I was searching erotic transference and I made the connection to that TV character all those years ago to my T now. I am (or should I say I was) very attached and dependent on my T. It's not my T I'm attached to, its that fantasy from all those years ago. Its like all these lighbulbs started going off in my head. Knowing why I "thought" I was attached to her has made me pull away from her all together. I have twice weekly sessions because I have no other support system. I have one person in my life other than my T and this person is very invalidating but thats a whole other story. Anyway my usual days are Tue. and Thurs. but last week I went on Fri. Last Tuesday my appt. were set up for next week for Tues. and Thurs. As I was leaving Fri. my T's secretary said oh btw I had a gal that really needed to come in at your time on Thurs. so I switched you to Fri.
It bugged me at the time but I soon forgot it. Today I was thinking about it and its like this lady is more important than I am. Yes my inner child is throwing a temper tantrum.
It just made the reality that some day my T isn't going to be there for me, when my friend (I use that term loosely dies, it will be just me. My adult self is ok with that but the inner child is not. I have BPD and I am starting to associate my behavior with why I do what I do. Plus my T thinks I have DID but not sure. I just want to chuck the whole therapy now because I know it will end, I know that the reason I was close to her was based on a fantasy and some day she will say Goodbye and move onto the next person.

I am really thinking about terminating because the 3 mile wide wall I had built and she tore down, is being rebuilt very fast. Now that I recognise the supposed attachment I get to people, I continue to not want people in my life. I made a conscious choice years ago to not have friends and I've stuck with it all this time but I had started to want people in my life after I met my T. Now I know my original decision was the right one. FP

[Rapunzel]

I want to respond to you, and don't know what to say. I relate to a lot of what you wrote, including invalidation, and deciding not to have friends. I want to have friends, but now I'm scared that nobody will want me as a friend, at least not close, because they already have friends and I have missed out. I think it is wonderful that you can see something like validation, and feel good. I tend to feel intense jealousy when I see someone else getting the things that I am missing. I want so desperately to be loved, but I'm afraid of not being loved, and feel trapped if someone does love me (I'm married and feel like I am suffocating a lot). I want my T to love me, and I don't think she can. I'm afraid she probably hates me most of the time. But I want her to love me forever.

I hope that you can build some real life friendships, besides T, eventually. Good, healthy, validating friendships. I think that is a lot of what therapy is about - learning that you can have those feelings in other relationships too.

[pachyderm]

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FindPeace said:
It just made the reality that some day my T isn't going to be there for me, when my friend (I use that term loosely dies, it will be just me. My adult self is ok with that but the inner child is not. I have BPD and I am starting to associate my behavior with why I do what I do. Plus my T thinks I have DID but not sure. I just want to chuck the whole therapy now because I know it will end, I know that the reason I was close to her was based on a fantasy and some day she will say Goodbye and move onto the next person.

I am really thinking about terminating because the 3 mile wide wall I had built and she tore down, is being rebuilt very fast. Now that I recognise the supposed attachment I get to people, I continue to not want people in my life. I made a conscious choice years ago to not have friends and I've stuck with it all this time but I had started to want people in my life after I met my T. Now I know my original decision was the right one. FP

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Sure?

T will go away -- eventually. Maybe not before you are well enough to cope. And find friends that you are attached to because they are good for you.

Say! Is that an incandescent light bulb or one of those new compact flourescents?