The power of T

I was just driving home from work and suddenly it occurred ot me how much power T has over me. And how much I hate that. Since when did my life become about me falling apart because this guy decides to go on vacation? It feels weird, like I don't have control. And maybe that's part of my resistance, my anger.... at attempt to get control over my relationship with him... to be separate from him. I have read in Nancy McWilliams' work that when a patient is exhibiting anger towards the therapist that can be a good sign; one of autonomy. I agree that it can be beneficial that patient is taking a separate stance from T-- "I don' t have to be the same as you. I don't have to follow your lead. I don't have to have the same emotions as you."-- but when I think about how I use my anger, I feel as though I am using it in a way to gain autonomy or control in favor of less desirable feelings-- because I'm tired of him having all the power. Last night my professor was telling us how to allow the patient to have control over the sessions-- and it's not that he doesn't allow me, it' s not that at all. It's just that in reference to him, I feel very, very weak. Small.

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and suddenly it occurred to me how much power T has over me.

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Yes yes yes yes yes!! This must be the post-vacation syndrome. I am feeling all sorts of smothered by these feelings that have surfaced for me. I feel right now I really, really need him and I really, really hate that. Since when did I become an anxious wreck who can't survive without him? A year ago, I was an anxious wreck without him. Hmmm. I can't even muster up the anger. At least not right now.

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I feel very, very weak. Small.

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Uhm, Oh yes. Like a teeny weeny baby.