The Power of T

I've written quite a few emails to T to which he has not responded. He told me that he "might" respond. The past few emails that I sent, I expressed quite a bit of anger and frustration over how the therapeutical relationship seemed so one-sided.
This morning, to my surprise, I received an email from him! I now feel so calm, so content, so still. I know it won't last but am cherishing every moment of it now.

Here are a few excerpts:
"I've been hesitant to write . . . this can't be an alternative forum for doing treatment . . .there are no easy answers that I can bestow through the brilliance of my narrative.
In regards to your present struggle, I'd have you recognize that this may prove the most essential part of the work you have to do -- to tolerate, explore, and ultimately accept that tension between becoming absolutely attached and rejecting/fleeing. Realize that there is nothing remarkable going on around you at this moment, so the suffering you're feeling is a pure reflection of that dynamic. Breathe, be still, and realize that there really is nothing you have to do right now to be ok."

He has so much power over me now. I went from being heartbroken
to feeling totally safe just because he communicated with me. I adore this guy.
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((((((((((((( Soliaree ))))))))))))))

I love his response.

This is big, Sol
"In regards to your present struggle, I'd have you recognize that this may prove the most essential part of the work you have to do -- to tolerate, explore, and ultimately accept that tension between becoming absolutely attached and rejecting/fleeing. Realize that there is nothing remarkable going on around you at this moment, so the suffering you're feeling is a pure reflection of that dynamic. Breathe, be still, and realize that there really is nothing you have to do right now to be ok."

He's showing middle ground - to tolerate and be between attachment and fleeing. That is very powerful and i thin something all our T's probably try to teach us. That is one to print and put up on the wall for future crisis... may i do the same?
kiya

Thanks Fuzzy, Sunrise, and Kiya Kiya, Of course you can print it! I already have. I folded it and put it in my purse so I can carry T around with me, LOL. Isn't that pitiful? But true.

NOT pitiful, wonderful!

Not pitiful at all!!!!!!!!!!! It is exactly what you should do. He took a topic so deep & complicated and made it comforting to read for all of us. No small feat. I'm really glad you shared.

Happy New Year to you and your sweet, thoughtful t. I'm heading off to bed now...........

i'm really glad you shared too. it is such a hard lessen for us all - to not attach to our t's as our only hope but to learn to breathe through crisis and choose the middle way - and to know that we are ok no matter what we do or where we are.

such a hard lesson but so desperately needed.

Soliaree, another thing I liked about what your T wrote, was it was so very formal--the language he used, his choice of words. It was very sweet and endearing, and it came through loud and clear how much he cares for you.

(My T when he emails me is very informal, with slang and exclamation points. It's very sweet too, in a different way. I guess they're all sweeties sometimes, aren't they? Or else we wouldn't keep going back again and again.)

Soliaree, That was such a powerful email your T sent you!! Just thinking about the "push-pull" one experiences is enought to send me into a spin!

What is it??? why do we feel that way??? to me it feels like If I give into the "power" as I percieve the relationship to be on one level, then I have lost them, that they will never love me how I want to be loved, but if I hang onto the hate I feel toward T I feel mixed in with all the other emotions, then I am in control and eventually I will get her to feel sorry for me and do anything I want, but then as soon as I say that I realise that I wouldnt' want T to be like that, I actually want her to give firm boundaries and take care of herself as well as me. Oh dear how does one find the middle ground???

As usual, I'm confused. Is he saying to be ok with the tension, and NOT get attached, and NOT run. Stay in the middle somewhere.

So, don't get attached ever,...or don't get attached until it feels safe?

Cuz once you're attached...how do you gracefully detach?

And doesn't therapy seem all about the attachment for a looooong time. So I was in therapy for being in therapy? Ow. My head hurts.

again i am struck by the statement; "this may prove the most essential part of the work you have to do -- to tolerate, explore, and ultimately accept that tension between becoming absolutely attached and rejecting/fleeing". not only toward our T's but toward anyone we care about - how often do we go between total attachment of someone and then the fear of either imagined or real abandonment? I am begining to see how chaos is created in my life regardless of if it was really there or not - all because that is what I am accustomed to. like he is telling you Sol, there is no real crisis right now (if I am reading correctly?) other than the fact that missing sessions and our T's IS in itself a crisis (i know all too well).
The relationships we have with Ts is a totally different thing, eh? I am finally in one (after 4) that I am not attached to in the manner that all the rest were. I did feel last time like she was attacking me, but i know when i have time to look away from it, that that is not so... it is all how my mind precieves what is happening. the question becomes how do we change the mess in our brains that allows for all that.
i may not even be making sense after 4 hours of sleep. =)
kiya

"Breathe, be still, and realize that there really is nothing you have to do right now to be ok."

i think this should be part of your signature now sol. It's a wonderful statement...

he should copyright it before it shows up on bookmarks or underwear.

campy... what i got was that he was saying there is an inherent tension between wanting/being strongly attached and running or fleeing.... and that is ok that there be tension, it's normal. He says to accept the tension... i think he's saying that the tension can cause fear but it doesn't have to. But that is just what i felt from reading it.

sorry Solli... i do not want to divert anything away from your T high right now. It's a nice place to be, safe, secure. The world takes all that away soon enough... enjoy the moment babycakes.

can we all see your T, Sol? Sounds waaaaaaay too cool.

wow! I love him! Love his email! I might have had to make 6,500 copies to wallpaper a room with.

Thanks everyone! I was wondering if anyone else would be as awestruck as I was by this email. I guess I got my answer I'm going to print all of your responses and show him that he is making a difference in more places than he realizes. That is, after I print the 6500 of them to wallpaper my room, LOL.

There was another line that I left out because it dealt with something that I was not sure whether to disclose or not. But, in hopes that it may help someone, I will. In my email to him, I told him that I have to fight the urge to tell him that I am going to kill myself/harm myself to get him to give in because my anxiety gets so fierce. I then said that I wanted him to know that I struggled with this but that I didn't want to choose that road. His response:

"I applaud your acknowledging and rejecting the option of threatening suicide to demand my attention. I am both admiring and appreciative of that."

I'll explain what I think my T is saying.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"In regards to your present struggle, I'd have you recognize that this may prove to be the most essential part of the work you have to do - to tolerate, explore, and untimately accept that tension between becoming absolutely attached and rejecting/fleeing.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> [/b]

He often tells me to tolerate the anxiety I am feeling. He says that anxiety tricks us into thinking we are in danger when we are not. So, the more you try to tolerate it I guess the greater chance it will lessen. However, I hate being told to tolerate anxiety, LOL. But I guess it's for my own good.

He told me that I will go through the mourning stages when we had the session in which I told him I wanted him to be around forever. This is the one that he told me that he wouldn't lie to make me feel better. If complete devastation is a mourning stage, I was propelled right into it, LOL.

So, we need to explore to figure out exactly where these feelings originate. Eventually, I'm going to have to accept that he will not be a part of my life after therapy. Just typing that sentence causes me much anxiety. I'm tolerating it, but am unable to accept this dreadful thought.

Sunny made a good point about my T being formal. He is always formal in sessions - I love his demeanor! T and I are working on the fact that I idealize him. For example, awhile ago I told him that I didn't think that he ever cussed because he was so 'proper'. So, he said a few cusswords over the next few sessions I guess to show me that he is actually a human being. But, he proved otherwise because when one is so eloquent, saying a cussword totally sounds out of place, LOL. He also told me he windsurfs, I'm thinking he probably wears his suit and tie. I hope he uses a tie clip so it doesn't blow in his face, LOL.

Take Care.

Thank you for the explanation. It helped.

I also like T's who remain formal. Somehow it feels safer.

Campy

i like that he is witty, too... something he said about his own wit and humor. I'm getting a visual here of wind surfing in suit and tie...
which is bringing an integrated image of a PsyD proff i had always wearing his startched white cuffs and neck cuff, his perfectly ironed suit, suspenders, wild tie, and round wire rimmed glasses... driving his VW bug... or windsurfing!